I know I said

...that I'll try to be more positive hence, changing this blog into a more colourful, bright page. But when my mom and brother left last Saturday, things have been pretty rough for me. It seems like the days are going so slow. It is so cold and I feel so well, alone. I am literally dragging myself to work and for some reason, I am losing some human desire and anticipation for food. It feels so different. It made me feel so away from my family. Quoting my 1st letter to mama, which I wrote the minute I came home from the airport:

Dear mama,

The house is very empty and it feels strange. Suddenly it is so cold and quiet. I can hear the clock tick-tocking again. I didn't hear that in the last 3 weeks. I went home to an empty space, mama. With Seth's leftover shrimp and feta pasta on the table, used glasses and some utensils that needs washing. I can't believe that just moments ago, this place was noisy and crowded and lively. But it also feels like you two are everywhere. You are in the bathroom when I saw the nightie that you wore last night hanging on the bar. I am wearing it now. You are in the mesh room when I saw your white shirt on the knob of the closet door. You are in the terrace with all your bouquets of flowers from your arrival, mother's day and your 50th birthday. You are in the kitchen when I saw the pan you used to cook me the pasta dish you did this morning. You are in the bedroom because when I close my eyes, I can still see your face and i try to imagine your arm is wrapped around my waist. Seth's laughter is echoing in the hallway, even in the parking lot as I was parking towards the wall, I can almost hear him say, "Ate, sige, hindi ka pa mababangga." His jokes are continuously playing in my head and several times today, I let out small laughters when I remembered his anecdotes.

I've waited so long for this break to come. For how many months, I was talking myself to coming to work as I count each day passing. I told myself that one day, we will be walking on the same floor and bumping each other on the narrow hallway. I have waited for the day that I will wake up seeing you around and going to bed knowing you are just beside me. I felt so special, mama. While you were ironing my clothes, I felt like a kid again. I have never ironed my clothes or blankets or tea towels since I came here. And when I saw you ironing my stuff, I felt pampered. :) I felt like waking up everyday because I want to sit and have breakfast with you. It is so different without you around. It is so lonely. I am scared all of a sudden when I realized that I will be going back to work on Monday and start counting the days again until the next time we will meet.

yes, it is very painful. ANd it's never easy to be by yourself.