Two Sides of a Story

looking at this blog, for a while i thought i had already abandoned it. typing the 1st few words of this entry made me feel silly because i don't know where to begin. it has been so-so number of days, i think a month, even. and it seems odd to start writing an entry in the middle of the night (now) and in the middle of the month (now, too). sigh.

quarter life crisis --- I've heard of it several times that the term actually sounds cool to use. at first, i didn't believe that someone at the prime of his/her life, at the pink of health and with all the zest of youthfulness overflowing, is capable of going through the quarter life crisis. And then it donned on me.

***

At this age, it's really hard to believe and accept that my parents have stopped loving each other. I mean, I am 24 for Chrissake! I have gone through the raging hormones of puberty, my own version of juvenile delinquency and finally taming myself down as the prodigal daughter but i have never, ever imagined that my family love story will end at this age. It is so intensely painful to see that the 1st love stroy i have ever witnessed and later on, have grown to love is slowly breaking down in front of me. And I am helpless. Suddenly, I am naive about all these things. We are not a perfect or ideal family. We have our share of heartaches, screaming matches and all interesting bits of family issues but I just realized that knowing that it's not gonna work and actually hearing your parents wanting their marriage dissolution-ed is totally different and it has elicited a myriad of emotions and confusion from me. For a while, my brain stopped working and it was trying to prioritize what i should feel first because when you get news like this and your opinion isn't asked, you aren't left with anything else but to take a deep breath, gulp down the intensity of the decision that is meant to change your life drastically and flash your life before your eyes and think that as the 1st born, where did everything go wrong? I believe at this point, it's a question that will never be answered. It is so hard to be part of something whole and then suddenly not become a part of the "wholeness" anymore. It is the standing on neutral ground that is overwhelming because half of me is her and half of me is him and I wouldn't want anyone of them to feel hurt or betrayed if I sided with someone. It is the forced responsibility on me to look after my 2 brothers and make sure they not only understand but more so that they'll believe that they have done nothing wrong and we are all victims in this crazy episode of our life. It is difficult to decipher the "even if we aren't together anymore, we still love you" statement. From the moment I heard that, I knew everything won't be the same anymore.

In Psychology of family dynamics, they say that the 1st born is for the father. The 2nd born is always for the mother. And the third is for the family. I think both of them overlooked my youngest brother who is unbelievably thriving in this confusing and misleading situation to keep the family whole.

It's not easy to write about those things but I had to, or i'll go crazy.


***

Yes, I am out of the country. Yes, I am with my boyfriend of 7 years who is enthusiastically dreaming about our future together with our two kids. Yes, I am earning more than most of the people i know. Yes, I have the financial freedom to buy anything I crave for or anything I want to have. Yes, I am employed in the biggest hospital in this country. Yes, I have my own car at 23 years old, I have my own apartment in the heart of the city in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Yes, I am living the single and independent life. But underneath all of these things, I really want to know: am I genuinely happy? In my 2-year life living apart from my family and friends, I realized one greatest thing that I have heard all my life but never really understood it's meaning: Money can't buy happiness, specially the ones you only experience with your family and true friends.
And what's the setback for me of all these? I am taking sleeping tablets as I am too anxious and unable to sleep at night. I am dealing with my boyfriend's mom and her oh-so extraordinary ways of ruining my life. I have no true, tried and tested friend here which makes it doubly hard for me to deal with all my struggles and heartaches. I am apart from my family and that makes my stay here not so worth it and it definitely makes all the difference.

I used to love Christmas. The Yuletide Season is my favorite season because it's when the world stops fighting and you are safe and happy with your family with an abundance of food on yor table and presents under the tree. It's when you get to see relatives you haven't run into for ages. It's when you get text messages and phone calls from friends greeting you a meaningful Christmas and a truly abundant and peaceful New Year. It's a great time of the year! But when you are alone in a foreign land where the people can't even feign excitment for the season and you are miles away from everyone who means the world to you, it certainly makes the Christmas not so merry. Not to mention all the missed birthdays, reunions, mother's days, father's days, and all the other momentous occassions best celebrated when you are with your family.

***

This is my quarter life crisis.

But yeah, I am surviving. I was born and raised to overcome all that come my way. I am a tough shell. I say these things over and over again to get me up on my feet. I know that I will be given the chance to meet up with my friends over coffee while laughing our hearts out about the past that strengthened our ties. Plus I know that one day, I will be together with my family again. And that kicks me in the butt to get me going. Faith, i say...it takes you a long, long way.