I have been here for a couple of years now and it hasn't been easy. And during times when my hormones are surging, it becomes more difficult because I am more contemplative and extra emotional. Just like now, which is why I think that this entry shouldn't be written in the 1st place because I might regret it later on. Just like being sober after a terrible night of being drunk or the feeling that "i shouldn't have" the morning after...
I am always in a trio.
In the early years of high school, I was with 2 other newcomers: Vanessa and Janus. We got along really well, staying late after school, trying to decipher how it is to fit into an exclusive all-girls school after years of being in a co-ed classroom. Vanes is the bubbly one who is very extrovert and who everybody else loves. It was easy for her to form new friends. While Janus on the other hand is the more introvert type, very smart but who takes time to come out of her shell. Later, we drifted into different sections, thus different barkadas but we still got that bond that holds us close because afterall, in a strange environment of everyone wearing a skirt, we managed to survive and settle.
During the next 2 years in high school, I was with 6 other friends who shared the same love for eraserheads, gigs, late night phone calls and passing messages. We weren't the sleezy bitches that everyone hated for cutting classes, stealing boyfriends and spending 95% of the time putting makeup on. We were good, i think. We belonged to decent clubs and electives, became part of the school newspaper, student council and debate club. None of us failed or was sanctioned for whatever reason. But over the years, only 3 of us managed to stay present for eachother. It's me, Donna and Joy. We are different on so many levels yet we get along really well. Joy is always brutally honest. If one of us needed to face the truth, Joy is the one who will tell it to us. Donna is more sympathetic. She will listen and give unsolicited advices but in the end will tell you it's still your call. They are 2 persons I badly miss. Joy just moved to Texas with her family while Donna is busy with her healing workshops back home.
College was different. I was at a loss. It was the real world: strange and scary. But i found Lea and Paula. We got along so well laughing at each other's jokes, learning from everything that seemed alien to us, crawled our way out of nursing alive. The difficulty of nursing was compensated for by nights of staying at Lea's unit sharing secrets and love stories. And everything seemed realtively easier. Lea is the hilarious one who knows when to get into serious business. She copies notes for all 3 of us and makes sure neither of us miss class. And she is the possesive one too, which I think is reasonable because I am the same as well. Paula is the happy go lucky type who doesn't seem to care, who will push me to do anything as long as it will make me happy. She will cover up for me if needed and will not let me feel guilty about the stupid things i did or said. Both of them are very supportive, very loyal, very sincere and that's what I love most in them.
And then for a long time, I didn't have friends as close as those I mentioned above. and then when I came here, I formed another friendship with Carrie and Yen. When I first started my job, there weren't very much young nurses on our ward which made me and Carrie really close. We did our workbooks together, took our exams and practicals almost at the same time and eventually we started going to Mcdonalds for supper after work. When Yen started we didn't know if she was nice but when we started working together, we found out that we jived a lot! And so we started hanging out, requesting for the same breaks, telling each other about our own struggles, our difficulty coping, our complaints about co-workers and patient workload. And then we started liking the same persons and disliking the mean ones. And then we started having our girly dates wherein we would binge out and eat and indulge and windowshop and talk endlessly.
This next one, makes me feel ambivalent. 2 of my friends from college are here as well and we've been seeing each other more often recently. It is actually quite securing to know that I am with people whom I already know..that it's just a matter of developing the friendship deeper. We have planned to go shopping in Australia and buy LVs. And then suddenly it hit me straight and hard. These are the plans and promises I made with Paula and Lea. And i felt really terrible inside. It was like betraying myself because I knew in my heart that i wanted to do these things with these 2 tried and tested friends of mine. But I also reminded myself that it is not feasible at the moment and the more i felt like crying.
I miss my trios a lot. I miss being secured between 2 close friends of mine without a care in the world. I miss the secrets, the jokes, the advices, the late nights, the loyalty, the certainty, the genuine friendship. And now, I really feel like letting out a good cry.
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