i wish i could say this to you

we are molded by our experiences both pleasant and not. And this defines, creates and/or contributes to one's character.
i have loyalty and trust issues.
why?

because my boyfriend of 7 years have broken up with me once, have cheated on me once and didn't want to commit at one point.
because i was violated and it was traumatic and incredibly humiliating
because some of my then-close friends betrayed my trust by leaving me hanging in the middle of a very serious but unfortunate circumstance.
because when i first came here unsettled, i was rejected and made to feel very unwelcome.
because my parents' marriage is falling apart and nothing makes you feel more broken than seeing a commitment of a lifetime breakdown just like that.
because my boyfriend's mom thinks that i no longer deserve to wear white on my wedding day.
because i trusted some wrong people.
because some people think that it's okay to mess with me.
because i am someone who clings to the past, who is easily scared, very sensitive and never forgets.
because i learn from my past, and never want to fall down with the same reason ever again.
because i have earned my right to be tough and i have realized that there's no one out there to defend and protect myself but me.
because reality bites and you have to bite back.

***
i feel suffocated, enclosed in my own space because my world gets smaller and smaller as people get crossed off my list.
i feel bitter that it nauseates me.
i feel myself getting smaller as i sink in the mud that is just pulling me down.
i feel fragile, lethargic and helpless but still refusing any help.
i feel shallow and empty that it echoes inside me.
i feel lonely. the hurt, the pain and the tears stemming from within.
i feel misunderstood.
i feel ugly inside. terrible.
i feel unforgiving, unjust and vengeful.
i feel stuck with my feet chained to a steel ball, unable to move forward.

***

i need to believe again.
i need something concrete.
i need to experience that i can trust someone again with my whole heart and soul.
i want someone or something to prove that some people are worth my trust and that not everyone will betray me.
i want to be assured and reassured over and over again.
i want to suppress everything and forget about betrayal and rejection.
i want someone's contagious optimism.
i want to be brave again, not afraid to give my trust and friendship.
i want to move forward and to look back only if it is necessary.
i want to stop nursing the pain and the hurt.
i want to smile again.
i want a promise to be made and never to be broken again.
i want to be free from that steel ball, to feel secured in someone's arms and to let out a good laugh.
i want to move forward.
with you.
show me that it's okay to trust you again. let me feel safe in your embrace. keep my secrets. be on my side even in the toughest of battles. stay with me when everything else is uncertain. let me know that all the others will walk away but that i have a handful of genuine friends who will always stay behind. hold on to me. make me feel whole again. try to fill that gap. teach me that in order to be truly free, the past should be forgotten and left to let go. stay with me even during my ugliest. laugh with me. don't betray me. just try and on't give up on me. remind me to be brave. don't break your promise. show me the love that will endure all weathers. give me your word. love me and just continue to love me. always.

i'll be waiting for that sweet day. and then maybe, i can say i love you too with all honesty and in a way i have never said before.

until then.