How to

I was doing some research on...guess what? How to Deal with a Difficult Mother In Law. I could so relate! It was a very helpful reading material that I actually felt I wrote it. hahaha And I found out that yes, it comes up as one of the options/suggestions when I typed the words "how to cope with a diffi..." on the search bar. Gosh! How many poor daughters-in-law are there, who get beaten up by these relationship-wreckers also known as mothers-in-law? I am part of that statistics.

Here are the excerpts (aka my favorite parts) plus my reactions/comments:
- Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals.
- Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. It's not always true - more often, the mother-in-law just doesn't want to face the fact that now she must stand behind another woman in her son's life. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse. - Sometimes, i just can't begin to decipher why the heck she can't understand it? And sometimes, I become really tired. :(
- Don't make judgmental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
- Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
- Make your spouse understand that it is s/he who must take the lead with his/her family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge. -
- Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice. Judgmental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. - Oh boy, that is so her.
- Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. - that's good! cause i don't have the sugar-coating skill, anyway..hahaha
- You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
- If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. - Oo na, I'll do it na. This article is really talking to me.
- You are entitled to a peaceful life. You do not owe this woman your life - but she does deserve respect. However, she's just a person, the same as you, and if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. No. Respect and admiration are earned. If she doesn't deserve it, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
- You and your partner need to present a united front. - totally totally agree! can't say it enough!
- The more you can remind your spouse that s/he married you, not his/her mother, the more your spouse will address the issue, as s/he properly should, and respect you and the marriage. - i need to actually do this. bahala na if he sees me as a nagger, at least I get my message across.
- Be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey - if it's possible to do this way. - i like that line. :)
- Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk, do whatever you need to in order to not be alone with her. - I have experienced this first hand. They are lurking in corners waiting to attack when there's no one around to protect you except yourself.
and the follow up: It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child, undermining your relationship with that child.

I'm here all lost and confused and blind, tripping over issues of the past that are scattered all over, all around me and then I stumble on this article. This article is gold for me!God really provides. :) This is hope peeking.

Don't Quit

Because sometimes, I need a mantra to keep me going. A string of words that I can hold on to and that'll give me a lift---a bit of hope. Something that will keep me running and believing even when it's really really hard not to.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

This winter season is killing me. That is but not limited to the cold cold weather, the constant raining and the shorter days. It is now 5:10 pm and the clouds are starting to turn gray and hazy. I did cook our lunch today and opted to have something fresh rather than the longganisa I ordered from the filipina at work. So yes, it's called Parmesan fish and boy, it is good! :) I dropped Gelo off to work at 2 pm today. i felt like a mom dropping one of my kids off to school and yelling behind them "Have a good day (at work)!" and he replies with a wave of the hand and a nod. So I drove back home and did the laundry. So now, with cold feet and numb hands, I am home alone waiting for 11:00pm to come so I can go pick him up from work and spend our night chatting away.

all the mess of cooking

look at those beautiful things!

and the fresh and healthier alternative to frozen fish nuggets

Hopeful, Still.

The weekend was mostly about house chores just like any other week. And just like any other week, I was looking forward to the weekend because I know that I can wake up a little bit later than usual and that I can get out of the apartment and go somewhere even if that somewhere is just the Asian supermarket and the grocery. Still weekends give me a sense of relief that no other day in the week could do. But this weekend, I missed getting my eyebrows done. Instead, I met up with a college classmate who just arrived here a month ago. She needed transpo to shift all her stuff to a new place so I offered to help. And before I knew it, the threading place is already close so I'm off to another week of untidy eyebrows. I am working only 4 days this week because last week, I dragged myself to work for 6 days. And yes, I made it!!!

On Saturday, we went to Frasers in Mt. Eden to keep talking about our lives and dreams. I was so overwhelmed with all the things that are happening around me and all the plans waiting to be fulfilled. It felt so heavy in my chest that I needed to let it out somehow. My family's plans, our plans, his plans which in turn are affecting my plans---i felt like I am drowning. And then I went into some sort of realization-state about myself. So really, I spent the weekend doing lots of thinking.

At Church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry because I felt nobody else listened to me. I felt that people around me were hearing what I am saying but they weren't listening to what I really wanna say. So I just cried because crying means so many things for me. I felt silly crying at a public place but sometimes when you couldn't contain it any longer, you just give in. And that's what happened to me.

Today, I went home to neatly-cut, huge chunks of pumpkin waiting to be cooked. My back is still a little sore from all the lifting and hoisting at work. But I gotta do what I gotta do. So after an early dinner, I cooked tomorrow's dish so that Gelo can just heat it up before he goes to work. I am actually a little bit sleepy now but I'm still waiting for the squash to soften and the sauce to thicken before I steal a few hours of Zzzzz's under the covers.

Gusto ko nang magpakasal

...sa kanya

Parenting No-No

I don't think I am very old. Or that I've got a huge generation gap with the "teenagers" of today. But it feels like I do (have a huge age difference)! I can't begin to decipher how the 14, 15, 16 years olds are talking trash not only to themselves and to their friends but to their elders! Call me conservative or traditional but I think Respect isn't just a fad. I was going through someone's blog today and I am honestly appalled at the odd mixture of *fucks and *bitches inserted at every comma, every sentence, every pause that you can make out of one sentence. I didn't even know that it is as widely used now as the word "the". But boy oh boy, reading statements like those I came across with is completely different from hearing it 1st hand. I am in awe and in total shock when I heard a story of how a 14 year old snapped back at her brother. Ang sarap silihan ng bibig. It was gross and utter disrespect and for me, it is something that warrants not only humility but sincere apology.

And in this blind item, I begin to blame 2 sides. First, the person doing it. The one who is responsible for what slips out of her mouth. The one who is not dumb but apparently very gullible with her crooked reasoning obviously influenced by her friends. The one who is trying to fit in by adapting the same lingo and acting silly. The one who always asked for something (i.e. a new pair of shoes, top-up cash, eat out, even picking her up from godknowswhere!), but in the end still forgot how much of herself she owes to everyone around her more importantly, to her brother whom she called "dumbass". The one who is a stranger now. The one who lost her own values in a span of 3 years. Where there really values in the 1st place?

And now, I blame the parents. To them who did not fulfill the responsibility that God asked them to. To them who became lazy of disciplining. To them who condoned it. To them who turned a blind eye to everything that's happening around them and within their family. To them who are inconsistent with their rules. To them who allowed their children to walk out the door without even bothering to ask where are they going. To them who kept quiet and remained deaf. To them with the rules they always bent and never followed. To them who, in the very 1st place, didn't instill well enough what's right from what's wrong. There lies the problem.

I grew up in a family where we know how to behave in another person's house. Or how to accommodate guests who come to our own home. We are brought up to know that just a sharp stare from our parents mean we have to clean up our act. We grew up saying 'po' and 'opo' to any adult, we are not making faces and we are not cursing. Answering back means you are not only grounded, you are practically dead. On the inside, we are an emotional family. We are spiritual and contemplative. We share with each other how our days went. We try to talk it out when things are going out of hand. We may not be seen as 'tough' like what other people seem to be but at least we know that Respect is a value, that parents are next to God, that the authority given to parents and other elders need to be acknowledged and followed. And that we need to hold on to these values. For that, I am really proud and thankful.

Let the Photos Speak Once More

travelling from one time zone to another, yummy meals when the company is as good as the food, driving everywhere, grocery shopping, hearty breakfast, well-executed and equally fun jump shots, reading greeting cards and being teary-eyed, outdoor fun, paintings, magnificent lake view, conquering our fears and actually enjoying it, facebook-ing til late night, celebrating a milestone together (one of the highlights), early mornings by the harbour, full closet and crowded room which I really like, doing house chores together, packing stuff, sweet kisses...

Wednesday Night

I don't know if I am aging too quickly. My life here (in New Zealand and with Gelo) is probably making me more mature.

He was asked to report to work at 8pm today and I'm going to pick him up by 11. So while waiting for pick-up time which is 1 1/2 hours from now, I am chatting with a good friend and trying to keep myself warm. When he gets home later, we will exchange stories of how his day went at work and what I did at home while waiting for him. We will subconsciously but quite securely sink into our routine of story-telling and sharing until one of us decides, to put the lights off.

Let the Photos Speak

lots of sleeping knowing i will be waking up with my family around me, food-tasting, family out-of-towns, family portraits, dinner with high school friends who are now bringing babies to reunions, drinks over videoke with college friends, laughing boisterously like I was in high school and doesn't really have a care in the world, papa driving me off to places, photographs and frames in the living room.

Still, I am not giving up

I wanted to scream "Sa'yo na!" I wasn't doing anything and yet she somehow feels I am taking him away from her. How is that so? Where else would I put myself? How else would I act? What else should I or shouldn't I say? How strange. In the story where she is the wicked stepmother, she suddenly points the finger at me as the one who is at fault for everything. Maybe Snow White is soft spoken and talks to little animal creatures (who also answer back in singing voices that luckily, I don't do---the talking to animals, I mean.), but you'll never know if the unpublished version says Snow White lashed at the evil stepmother and told her to "Shut the f***k up!!!" Well, let us not wait for the modest little princess to reach that point, shall we?


I wanted to cry when I heard it. Not because I am sad but because I am exhausted. I am tired of her. I am tired of her constant competing with me, of her constant whining about me, of her constant dislike of me. I am almost, ALMOST fed up. I can't do the smiling in front of each other and then hurting as I feel my back has been stabbed. I can't do the pretending thing. I can try to be cordial. I can be civil. But I can't exchange jokes and stories about life pretending I am interested when all I really care about is driving home and doing my own thing. I am not that person. I am transparent that you could see right through me. And I never forget. EVER. And that's me. That's who I am. So I can't forget you telling me never to set foot in your house again. I can't forgive you for telling me in my face I shouldn't bother wearing white on my wedding day. I can't accept the fact that you don't feel at ease that your son is gonna marry me. I can't let it all pass. No. This is me.

And I'm sorry that your son loves me.
But he does.

SO DAMN MUCH!

If Life is a Game, These are the Rules

It is a high school book that we passed on among ourselves in our barkada. And somehow, it helped us survived the confusing stage of hormones and identity crisis. Personally, it brought some answers and inspiration because in the awkward years that was puberty, I could only turn to friends and yes, our self-help books. And today as I was giving advices to one of my dear friends in a long-term on-again and off-again relationship, rule #4 popped in my head. I suddenly felt all high school again. I realized that the rules I attempted to imbibe in me 10 years ago (oh my god, I just realized that high school was already 10 years ago?!?! It doesn't seem that distant to me..), is still something very applicable to my life now. Perhaps, helpful even. So yes, these are the rules:

1. You will receive a body
2. You will be presented with lessons
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
4. A lesson is repeated until learned
5. Learning does not end
6. "There" is no better than "here"
7. Others are only mirrors of you
8. What you make of your life is up to you
9. All your answers lie inside of you
10. You will forget all of this at birth

Thanks to Joy for lending me this book 12 years ago and to all my other high school friends who joined me in my quest of finding the value of myself and of life through all the meaningless mazes I had to go through.