I am really excited about this

your facebook profile photo

I changed my profile photo on Thursday morning. This was taken about 3 years ago at our house. This was the day we bought his 1st pair of Cortez shoes, which are absolutely gorgeous. :)

a photo of yourself a year ago

Taken at Heritage Hotel in Auckland on the morning of our 7th year anniversary. Havin' breakfast buffet! :)

a photo that makes you happy

one thing really makes me happy: it is the sight of a clean and tidy house and inviting interiors that make you wanna have a rest and lie down. oh, what a feeling!

a photo of the last place you went on holiday

At Haka Falls (which can't be seen in the photo) at Taupo. That's me, mama, Seth and Gelo.

a photo of youCollege graduation pic March 2005

a photo that makes you laugh

I let out a smile everytime I see this jump shot because I can still vividly recall the actual feeling of trying to choreograph our moves and simultaneously jump so it can be captured on film. We had to do this several times and this was the 2nd attempt, I think. Looking at the photo, I can still hear the distant laughter. See our faces?

a photo of someone you love

Oh he's my man. My other half (see the semblance?). Mine. Period.

a photo of your favourite band/musician

Who wouldn't love one of the greatest bands who ever rocked the local music scene? The ERASERHEADS meant more than a band I followed. It spelled lots of high school memories, secrets kept among friends and feeling of wanting to be independent. The band was a stage in my past.

a photo of your familyI wanted to post something more recent but I couldn't find any decent ones so I went for this 10-year old family portrait we had taken at the Sulo Hotel in Quezon City during Ate's 18th birthday party.

a photo of you as a baby

I haven't got a scanned baby photo of myself. This is the youngest me I've seen in the photos in my computer. I think I was 3 or 4 years old here. Yes, i am that big for my age. Mama took me to their company outing in Nasugbu, Batangas. Puerto Galera wasn't in the map yet at that time. So Nasugbu was the go-to place. That's me with my mom in a very 80's inspired shot with my bunot-like haircut, terno outfit and red sunglasses. Hahaha

a photo of your favourite film

Oh, the classic. I grew up watching this movie and I think I've seen it more than a dozen times already. "Let's start at the very beginning..A very good place to start..."

a photo of you

In May of 2008 at Alberton in Mt. Albert, Auckland, New Zealand as abay to Maan.

a photo of your bestfriend(s)

Alright, there's 2 here. The photo above is with Eliza. My bestfriend since 3rd grade. We practically went separate ways ehn we went to different schools and transferred to different places each time but somehow, we always know that we are each other's homebase.

This is Aris, my guy bestfriend, whom I met and instantly connected with in college. We were almost like boyfriend and girlfriend that we repel prospective partners for each one because of our chemistry and closeness. Gosh, I miss this man. :)

a photo of one of your favourite family members

this has got to be 2. It's mama and Seth. I am very very close to both of them. Being the eldest and only girl and with not much age difference with my mom, we are like barkadas. We share everything from bags, makeups, accessories, jewelries and the list goes on. Unfortunately, we don't have the same shoe size. hehehe Otherwise, we probably would have ransacked each other's closet. I'll talk more about her on the photo below. Seth comes next. I was 11 turning 12 when he was born so I practically did everything for him. Washed and ironed his lampin, fed him, bathe him, woke up in the middle of the night (during weekends) to mix him his formula milk, brought him to his pedia for immunizations and well-baby check ups, prepared his baon and so on and so forth. So yeah, I am like his 2nd mom. I am the spoiler. The true mom is the disciplinarian. hehehe

a photo of you and someone you love

My mom. I would never trade her for anything in the world. God, she's the best! Not only the best mom to us but comparing her to other moms, she really is someone. :) I love her to bits! I am lucky if I get to be half the mom she is for us.

a photo of you at the last party you went to

We tried to surprise Seth for his 13th birthday since he wouldn't be celebrating it with us (me and Gelo) here in New Zealand. So We went to his favorite asian restaurant, Momotea and we had milk teas, and noodles for long life. Simple yet very very memorable.

a drunk photo of youThat's not really drunk. That's annoyed because someone keeps on taking my picture and my eyes are getting blurry with the flash. Or maybe, yes, I was getting drunk at that stage. Ah, good times.

a photo of one of your classes

Sophomore year in high school with my little group in class. Later on though, we didn't quite make is as one whole barkada. Some left and merged with other friends. But Krit, Carmina, Lyza, Joy and me decided to stick it out...until now. :)

a photo of you on a school trip

On our way to an outreach event in Pampanga. We were in junior high, I think and we were goofing around in the jeepney because at that time, anything that means "out of school trip" is equivalent to fun, fun fun! :) Krit with the distorted face, Jaja and Lyza are with me in the photo.

a photo of something you enjoy doing

I was supposed to look for a photo where I am reading or writing. But these days, there's one single thing that makes me really happy, packing my stuff and going home to my family.


***

So, that's my world in photos. A little glimpse of my childhood, my family, my past.

No tattoes before thirty

this is from a book by Sam de Brito and all about what some of us wish our parents told us, things we probably learned the hard way and what we will (might find interesting to) tell our children.

To my lovely daughter:

1. Let men do the chasing: this will be frustrating. "i'm a modern woman," you'll say. as a rule, men have less respect for women who pursue them than the one they have to fight for. the thrill of the hunt is embedded in men's DNA. it's a law of nature.

2. Never have sex on camera: if you really, really really feel that it's something you want to do, take the tape when you leave. But don't label it "my sex video" and put it on your bookshelf.

3. If in doubt, go without: which applies to clothes, 1 night stands, tequila shots and takeaway food.

4. Don't smoke: it has no redeeming qualities, it stinks, it gives you wrinkles and can eventually kill you.

5. Don't put all your eggs in one bastard: be independent. Have a career, wealth and social cirscle outside of your boyfriend's.

6. Don't be the drunk chick: it's never attractive and sometimes downright dangerous.

7. Compare nothing: be it bust size, salary or your childhood. Comparison to your own will just make you grumpy or smug.

8. Be one of the cool chicks: which doesn't mean the bimbo who teases the fat girl at school. It means defining your opinions beyond what your friends and parents thingk, having a humanity that may put you at odds with others, being able to laugh at yourself and above all, wearing great shoes. :)

9. Be kind: it's the most attractive quality you'll ever possess.

To my dashing son:

1. Become an investment banker: everyone hates their job til their 30s when if they're lucky, they work out what they really want to do. Here's a little secret. Life'ss all about cash son. Dabling in filmmaking is a lot more fun after you've made 40 million dollars as a trader.

2. Don't lie about stupid stuff: don't bullshit people about places you've been or women you've slept with. You need to save your lies for really important occassions, such as salary negotiations and references for friends.

3. Get crazy haircuts: before you go bald. do it all, son. mohawks, blue mullets, rat's-tails. Who cares if old ladies won't get into lifts with you? That's what youth's for.

4. Don't be cheap: tip waiters and don't haggle over restaurant or phone bills. being labelled cheap is like being known as smelly or boring. it's hard to prove otherwise.

5. Learn good manners: you can look like a god and dress like an aristocrat, but hold youe knife like an icepick and it's all over in the 1st impression stakes.

6. Never be needy: nothing will scare women away faster than being a clinging sook. You are a man, so be manly. Communicate and share your emotions but remain strong, be dependable, make decisions, lead.

7. Don't hold grudges: you are the one who suffers. The other person is happily getting on with their life.

8. Things you will regret doing: hitting a woman, letting down your friend, not protecting your sister.

9. Don't lie to your friends: they will never forget it.

10. Things you'll never regret doing: visiting your grandparent, standing up to a bully, falling in love.

11. Keep your word: otherwise, it devalues quickly.

12. You don't have to be a great man: just be a good man.

*** reposting from my multiply account

Moral of the Story

Yes, every story has a moral lesson in the end. And I just learned mine today.

Justice is human, forgiveness is divine.

and boy oh boy, it spoke to me and pierced me straight into my heart.

I hope this is the end of that ugly fairytale.

too much of anything is a really bad thing

too much uncertainty
too many questions that i feel the answers are lost
too much confusion
too much corners to fence you in
too many turns that makes it impossible to run away
too many painful memories
too much to take in

way too much.

it drowns the good.

The line is drawn

On the same topic but a totally different context:

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Things have been bad sometimes. With us. We get mood swings, we fall silent just because and we always have tampo with each other. But that's just how it is, y'know. You feel sick and want some time alone but not time apart FOREVER, just time alone for like 1 day. And that's what it is all about. At the end of the day though, it still feels very comforting coming home and having him beside me.

I love him so much. I really can't stress that enough.

forever young...i wish!

we just came home from mcdo after a long hard week at work.
the original video of forever young was shown on the huge TV while we were having our supper.
i was reading ysa's tumblr account and all her entries and photos about finding that guy who will only have eyes for her or the phone she badly wanted or those quotes about not giving up and moving on; it made me feel so old like i'm literally years (and years) away from teenage world.
it made me miss the simplicity of life. it made me miss those times when knowing that he likes me was the biggest thing on earth! it made me think about those times when the only thing i cared about was what dress to wear to a friend's party and how am i gonna get home in time for curfew. it made me look back to how i spent my 15, 16, 17 year old life in my little world that only revolves around inuman with barkada, receiving sweet text quotes from him, or burning the phone lines even if we didn't really have something to talk about (mostly, him making me feel special with his sweet talks).
i feel so distant to my youth. it made me feel all wrinkled and gray.hahaha especially now that i am so into cooking and baking.
boy oh boy, i sure am lightyears away from it.

Sharing

This.

Parang gusto kong maiyak.

The good, the bad and the ugly

To end this entry in a positive note, let's give it a twist and do it the other way around: the ugly, the bad and the good.

THE UGLY: (just for this, I wanna be cynical) She's back! Damn it! I cringe at the thought that I'll be seeing her again this weekend. Oh man, the past couple of weeks were fine. I was fine. Not perfect but pleasant. And I haven't felt that in months! And now, I feel sick in my gut. Literally. I feel the world is closing down on me. When he told me he went to their place this morning and he has some "stuff" from her/them, I wanted to puke. Seriously?!?! She thinks that getting me a shirt and hopia will bridge the gap? Seriously. *shooks head* It's not that I am expecting more from her because really I don't give a *toot*. On the contrary, I want to be left alone. I want her to quit bugging me because with all (brutal) honesty, I am pikon. And nobody likes me when I'm pikon. I turn into a totally different person (or creature). Once she decides to stop and give me the peace and quiet that I want and not to mention, truly deserv, I'll be meek and quiet and she'll see me at my best.

THE BAD: A number of small things: Number one: I am doing morning shift again tomorrow and I am exhausted. I recall one of the millions of WOW my ninang has randomly injected in our long conversations: "Kaya nga tinawag na work eh kasi mahihirapan ka. Eh di sana tinawag nalang na 'fun' or 'play' kung walang kapagod-pagod." She has a point. Number two: I have..hang on, let's make that a "we". We have exceeded our weekly food budget. Argh! Just when we have it all plotted down on a white board. Tsk. Number three: one of my friends want to stay low key in the world of social networking and interactive connections. And I'm affected. It's odd for her to be in this mode but I say it is not good.

THE GOOD: My team coordinator, thinks it's now time for my promotion! She actually believes I got what it takes to be a notch higher. Wow! :) I feel promoted already! hahaha It was lasagna Monday at work today and I just ate half of it. Half goes to Gelo, of course. Plus, I have 2 containers full of sisig that'll last 'til next week, perhaps. Next, it's my birthday in less than a month and our 94th tomorrow. That's not only good. That's amazingly GREAT!

Good vs. Bad?
Good wins.
Good always, ALWAYS wins.

I had to share this

This. (thanks, mikky)

I just had to quote this here and share this because, this piece of writing is really talking to me. And while I was reading it, I almost answered in defense but realized, it was a non-arguable truth so I shut my mouth and carried on.

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

damn! I could almost highlight everything here!

Life is like a fairytale

"Once upon a time..."

Our story started so unconventionally (8 years ago). It was quick and straightforward and not very typical of a fairy tale. But as I was browsing through the different Disney princesses' love stories, I figured, it all starts in a different way. It's not textbook.So, we met each other and fell in love...and we really did fall in love! It's a really great feeling! It's all "raindrops on roses..." and hugs and kisses. It's (almost) perfect!

Of course, a fairytale isn't complete without a villain. I think we all know who is the villain in our story. And I reckon that villains vary. But there's always one thing in common: villains are always older females who are in a position of power or authority and are always jealous and insecure. One more thing I noticed, villains are almost always "family".

They can be sly and watch you from a distance.

They can be cunning and change appearances.

They can even come with alalays.

Or they can be typical: mean, ugly and evil.

I love fairy tales because I know that it is always a happy ending. That the kontrabida always gets defeated, that negativity comes to an end and the good always prevails. It is consoling and reassuring that way.

And of course, because I know that in the end, the prince always comes, to rescue, kiss or break the spell. The prince saves the little princess who has been the victim of all the cruelty of the wicked stepmother. Sometimes, it is nice to be saved; to know that your prince cares for you and stands up for you and to see for yourself that your prince is very brave and will literally sweep you off your feet.

the prince and the princess always lives happily ever after.

It is really comforting in the kitchen

For the longest time, I've been putting off learning how to bake. That's for reasons like I'm scared to try, I might fail (hence, scared to try), and if I fail, everything will go to waste (so, I am scared to try). I still remember that one December day when I was I think 10, our family was invited over to my dad's boss' house and his boss has a daughter who made the best oatmeal cookies I've ever tasted. And from that time, my mom hasn't stopped nagging me to start baking. She has this huge plan for me, foreseeing that one day (and since being the only girl in the family), I will be baking all kinds of good stuff like cookies and cakes, which we can share with relatives on family reunions. But years and years passed and now I am turning 25 (oh, good God!) and it is only now that I have taken up all the courage I have to venture into baking.

A few weeks back, my 1st baking attempt wasn't bad at all. I started with making muffins, which didn't need a mixer or that too complex ingredients. So that took away a little fear. Yesterday, I tried making panna cotta which didn't taste half as bad, either.

We had home-made pancakes for breakfast yesterday. I couldn't believe I made something out of raw ingredients like flour, egg, milk, baking powder and baking soda.



After I mixed everything in the stainless bowl I bought weeks ago just for the muffin-making debut, I was praying really hard that it will turn out fine. Otherwise, we will be defaulted back to cereal, which makes me sick now. When the pancakes were slowly taking form in the non-stick pan, I felt relieved. I flipped it out of the pan and into our plates. And God, it was light and tasted heavenly! I was really please with the result so we enjoyed it with butter and some maple syrup and with kiwi fruit on the side.

yes, that white little thing on the side is whipped cream! :)

Another day

I am pouring out all my energy into cooking and baking. Well that's for 2 reasons: it keeps my mind off my worries (even for just a while) and 2ndly, it gives me a sense of worth and fulfillment after seeing the food I so hard-workingly prepared and the faces (face, for that matter) of those who are having it. Some of them are amazed at how I was able to come up with such good food (modesty aside haha). Some are in awe at the presentation, making the food appear much more enticing to gobble up (thanks to research, cook books and various search engines). Their eyes just light up and smile when they see the home-cooked meals that is so appealing, it's as good as dining out (if not better, cause there's no service charge and you don't have to fight for parking). So yeah, I wanna keep this up.

tortillas, sweet chili chicken pieces, fresh iceberg lettuce, grated cheese, white onion, carrot sticks, garlic mayo, buttered corn kernels and cups of hot home-made mocha (coffee with cocoa, milk and sugar).

***

I've been preparing myself for that one time all out talk with the topics lined up in my memory. And just as I'm waiting for the 'right time' to come, I am hearing words like "i don't know what to do without you" and "I found what course I wanna take" and for some reason, I felt it was real. I felt He was sending me a message and telling me to think some more. After all, it IS 7 years.

Chopsuey photos (following the chopsuey thoughts entry)

That's a filipino breakfast that I truly miss. Sinangag nalang ang kulang, longsilog na. At may sisig pa! Sayang, walang sizzling plate. Nonetheless, it still tastes very very good! And look! There's UFC and Knorr seasoning pa!

fried egg, sisig, longganisa with Filipino condiments to go with it

I rocked breakfast this morning. On the menu are: Garden salad made of baby lettuce leaves, spinach, feta cheese, fish nuggets, cherry tomatoes, white onions and cashew nuts with Italian dressing. There's also pumpkin soup, creamed mushrooms, muffin, champagne ham and fried egg. Oh my, we were stuffed! That's how you start a day. :)

The very enticing breakfast we had this morning plus a cup of hot water waiting for a teaspoon of coffee, sugar and milk.

My typical Friday night early dinner. As I am mostly alone on a Friday, this is what my dining table looks like. Bread, water, a bit of salad and some cold cuts. That's it. No time consuming cooking required. Quick and easy. But sometimes, it's still nice to eat with somebody.

Snack? Dinner? Merienda? Who knows? That's a Friday meal when you're alone.

Chopsuey thoughts on my mind

Y'know the subtitle written at the top portion of this blog? I don't think I stand by it anymore. The live-each-day-at-a-time theme? It's not working on me. I need a plan for the future. I don't wanna be left hanging. I don't wanna not know. I want to know what's next.

**But while typing this entry, a thought entered my mind: Isn't it that believing despite not knowing is faith?**

I wanna know my worth. It is hard when suddenly you don't know your value anymore. It is like feeling like the ground is swallowing you whole little by little so you can feel every single bit of the struggle of trying to get out.

It's hard to point a finger and put the blame on someone else. So, I'm not gonna do that.

Interesting small talk of the day

While waiting at the intersection of Nugent St. and Khyber pass Rd., saw a middle-aged Chinese woman crossing the street towards my direction.

Woman: China?
Me: No *smiles*
Woman walks away

Me (thinking): I'm sure she meant either Are you from China? or Are you Chinese?

Chinita pala ako? I didn't know! hahaha

I want to hibernate again

Some questions can be left forgotten. Some needs to be addressed. And some really need a definite answer. And the questions that are crowding my mind at the moment definitely fall on the latter.

Oh, what to do? What to do? Do I keep wondering? Do I try to elicit an answer? Do I even try at all?

*heavy sigh*

Baking Debut

It's a productive Friday today for me.

I came home from a night shift at 7 this morning. I felt so good taking the lifts down, walking out of the door and seeing all the people just about to begin their day when I just finished mine. It was still dark when I left the hospital and it was really chilly. So, clad in my black puffer jacket, I took the 3-minute walk I usually take to the parking lot and off I drove in the dark night sky, looking forward to reaching home and lying on my bed.

I was up at half past one and my head was turning for a while. Gelo and I had lunch of okra, spanish sardines and instant soup with egg (it's Friday, afterall! All the grocery's gone for the week). I drove him off to work after then went home and started on the one thing I've been looking forward to, the whole week: my baking debut!

my new toys waiting to be played :)

whole wheat strawberry yoghurt muffin in pieces

...going into the oven

And hello to these beautiful babies! :)