sent

i lost a patient at work. it was sudden. i really felt so low and so down that i asked for a 5 minute break from my team coordinator away from the floor so i could cry by myself in a cold and quiet place that is our staff locker room, where my own breathing echoes against the walls. i wanted to talk to someone because the remaining 3 hours i have left to work on the floor seemed like forever. the sadness is weighing me down. i had you on my mind first, but i couldn't reach you. and the image of your battery-empty phone sitting on the computer desk crossed my mind. deep sigh. this is one significantly low point for me and i couldn't let it all out because the person i chose to share it with is, yes, just a 20 minute walk away from me but could not be reached. i had to comfort myself and brush off a creeping thought in my mind that maybe, i can't really rely on anyone else. it felt so lonely. but i thought, you are here, with me. and you should know that you are my bestfriend too and that it is not too much for me to expect for you to be there for me. i needed you 3 hours ago because i knew you would say the words i'd like to and have to hear, the words that will get me up on my feet again, the words that will tell me that 3 hours isn't that far and that i can make it through the day. but there was no one at the other end of the line.

this is what i am saying. the little things count. when i told you na gusto ko magpaligaw ulit, i meant it. because i wanted to remember again and again what is it that made me love you in the 1st place. those sweet text messages, those surprises, those candid ways of yours that make me laugh so hard, those times when you always had in mind what i liked most. i miss your presence a lot. those little things that maybe too tiny for you to notice, those things matter. being there for eachother is much more than living together and seeing each other everyday. i am not blaming you. i love you so much that it upsets me.

so that ring, don't buy it if you're not ready to make those little things count. i will forget that ring-choosing-incident with your family hovering around us, that happened on saturday afternoon never occured. it's not how i imagined it to be. i want to get a ring from you when i know you are ready to put both your feet in for me, to always be there not just to be present, to make those little changes and to really "engage yourself to me." this is your time to finally show me and to promise me what you regret doing in the past and what you're looking forward to in the future you are offering me. so don't blow it. don't let that go.


i'll be out today, be back at around 10. will drive around. couldn't text you my whereabouts because your phone is here.
i hope next time, you'll be there.

i felt it wasn't time

we were running some errands yesterday. and the next minute, we found ourselves in a jewelry shop choosing an engagement ring for me with his family hovering around us. it was an awkward situation as i felt they were pushing him to get me a ring. i myself found it rather embarassing as i pictured this scenario very differently. the eager saleslady adding to the pressure and the hype wasn't helping at all. it was like what everyone else wanted, except us...so we stepped aside for a minute and he asked me if i really want that ring. i actually do love the ring. it was perfect when i saw it! white gold, princess cut 18 carat diamond...it's everything a girl could ever wish for. so i timidly said yes, but deep inside feeling awful because i somehow felt it wasn't right. we walked back up to the counter, chose more from the array of rings infront of us and started comparing the pros and cons of the other pieces of sparkling diamonds. his family soon vanished in the background and i told him that we should do it some other time.

moments ago i told him, "it's your decision whether you want to buy the ring or not. and if you think you want to buy me that ring, hold on to it and give it to me when you feel that you are ready to settle down, without pressure from others. it's your chance to show me what you'll be promising me and what you'll be doing for me for a lifetime so don't blow it. don't waste your chance." and he nodded and kissed me lightly.

tight and tough competition

biyenan - n. the mother of ones husband (or wife)
- v. breaking marriages; burning bridges; competing with time, resources, clothes, educational background, salary, work, etc.; likes to get in the way of your plans, decisions, etc., proving you are not good enough for her son; ruining your life in general
- adj. jealous, competitive, boastful, superior (or so she feels), attention seeker, always in denial, unabble to accept the present situation (i.e. her son is no longer hers)
- syn. nightmare, the 'other' woman, home wrecker

technically, we aren't related yet. however, due to certain circumstances, I am forced into an unfortunate situation wherein I have to deal with her and suffer like I'm being punished for something I did. It's just not fair. And yes, I'm whining.

It happened to my mom and I witnessed it, almost experienced it as she was going through the agony of her relationship with her mother-in-law. I am really scared that it is happening to me. NOW. Shit!

The truth is, mothers-in-law, they are the 'other' woman, the one who is hungry for attention and who demands more from our husbands and partners than we do. And in the end, when we have reached our "that's it" moment and let our men choose, some of them sadly pick their mothers. As if they are the ones they have sex with everynight, the ones who will bring their children into this world, the ones who tire themselves sorting the house, the bills, the children and the family, the one who will help him raise his children carrying his surname. Sigh.

I hope there is an easier way of dealing with them. Of making them understand that we are not a threat; that the moment we agreed to marry their sons, we start to become part of the family.

I also wish that he will understand and in the end, will choose me. It might sound like a tough call. But really, it shouldn't be hard because the moment he chose to stay with me, he should have understood that he already picked me.

i am safe in my own bubble

i am not loud.
i am particular with my own space.
i value time alone.
i hate it when people cross the line.

but i am one passive person. and that's where the conflict arises.

a weekend-er

the weekend has been full of emotional ups and downs. it's weird how so many things happen in just 3 days.

yesterday, we found ourselves sorting songs from never ending folders and folders from a hard drive. and oh my! the songs dated from way back (like when I was in high school). and even if i wasn't planning or not even in the mood to remember the awkward highcshool moments, the long overnight phone calls (like we weren't seeing each other the next day), the messages we kept on passing written on pieces of paper which, makes all the "messengers" (i.e. whoever had the unfortunate role of passing the paper to another person until it reaches me or one of my friends), and those lunch breaks we spent while one is whining, one is cramming, one is eyeing her crush, one is smiling while texting and other one making weird food combinations from what seems edible in the caf. those were just the tiniest details i could gather from my mind at this point but believe me when I say that there's SO MUCH MORE. And sometimes, a lot of times actually, highschool is like vegas. Everything that happened there, stays there. :)

and then came the college days. the time when i was so busy holding on to highschool stuff, highschool friends, highschool everything that i began to feel i am not even present while my everday life is unfolding in college. so is tarted to let everything go and move forward. and here, i met several insanely good and loyal friends! that i seriosuly can't get enough of. They condoned my cutting classes at times, making sure i am still updated and ready for the next class. They are the ones who knew when i needed a spare 1/2 lengthwise for a quiz because i don't even have a single piece of it in my bag (or just too late to grab one because the professor's dictation is already in number 3. dman it! missed out on the 1st two.) These college friends of mine proved to me that dreams are made to come true. and together we worked on our licences.

***

2 days ago, I decided upon myself that i wanted to move to Canada. well, not really wanted as if i was given a better choice, i'd rather be back home still. But my point is, I was thinking on moving to another place again. So i told him about it. And he was stoic, emotionless, cold, dismissive. He said it was my decision and that i should think about it but he'd understand if i'd wanted to go.

sigh.

i didn't hear what i wanted to...from him. he didn't say what i needed to hear.

and then i started feeling all warm and i felt my face was turning red. and then the 1st teardrop came. i kissed him soft and long and i looked at him straight in the eye and asked him if he really wanted me to leave. and he faced me, curled like a child on bed and said, "i want to be selfish. ayokong umalis ka. masaya na ako na nandito tayo. nakikita ko na yung mgaiging buhay natin dito, yung magiging pamilya natin dito..." and he shooked his head like a child caught lying and finally admitted to the truth. and i cried some more. it's finish. and then he blurted out, "Wag mo akong iwanan" and we settled in a tight embrace. and that, that sealed the day.

I was almost motionless, my heart is satisfied. I feel renewed in a sense, my mind clearing up, feeling that i'm ready that in the coming days, i can make new plans for myself and for us.

when my life gets really boring

Arriving home from a busy night shift, i had bacon quiche, one pancake and half a glass of apple juice. After which, i crawled into bed, my tummy juggling as I reach for the covers. I was asleep before I knew it. And because I didn't have a lot of night shifts, my body clock said it was time to get up at 1:00 pm. Damn it! My head ached as I peered to check my clock, which is strategically placed as far from my bed as possible so i won't hear the tick-tacking. Yes, it was past lunch. I got up and realized there's no decent thing to eat aside from 1 pc of cold pancake, a half-eaten caramel slice and 1 Mars bar. Thinking of all the sugary content of all those made me sick. I found cold sinigang from last night as well, still on the table (it's covered though), and exactly how i left it before i went to work last night. And honestly, I am not in the mood to eat leftovers today. So i munched on the caramel slice as i get sicker one bite after the other.

I've been sitting infront of the computer for 4 1/2 hours straight now and i still don't wanna getup, praying that the piece of pastry i had will suffice for my daily dose of vitamins and minerals.

sigh.

i miss my mom. i miss her cooking, her warmth, her company. the silence in my flat is deafening. well except for the washing machine which is running at the moment and the sound of these keyboard keys as i type. the day has passed. it's winter here so at 5 o'clock it's already dark. i am alone and hungry and bored on a winter day and it feels terrible. my back continues to ache from stooping too long.

plus, i have my period. Which really sucks with all the laziness, the cramps and the low mood.

i have all the right to whine. just for today.

and maybe for tomorrow too.

and hopefully, i'll be fine after.

it really gave me the quivers

i am at work. it's not so busy today. not much bells going, which is rare but very good.

during my break, i called my mom just to catch up with her as i wasn't able to speak with her for a couple of days. she had all these happy stories about what happened over the weekend until she told me that one thing that just freaked me out.

*** our homehelp, whose name is jen-jen usually gives mama a good massage in the morning and that's what happened one bright, sunny day this week. i dunno which province jen-jen is from but y'know how our culture is rich in stuff like folklore, withcraft or some other dimension, gutfeel or sixth sense. she said (pertaining to my mom), "ate, ang bait bait mo. maswerte ang mga anak mo sa'yo. naku, kung ako lang ang may ganyan kabait na nanay..." well, for this statement, she is absolutely right. my mom is one of a kind! i mean really, she's not only a mom to me but my very bestfriend. she cooks well, she is a homemaker, no vices, not high maintainance but very beautiful inside out. She is trustworthy, very brave, ambitious and optimistic. Her faith keeps her going and she is my best example of grace, tact, wisdom and beauty.

And then she followed, " ate, nakikita ko na nahihirapan ka na. marunong ka lang magdala ng problema." She said it like some kind of psychic reading into what happens inside our family. and the final blow came, "ate, sa tingin ko malapit ka na." Shit! Shit! F*cknsh*t!!! I was speechless. It was creepy! My mom said she had the quivers (i did too) but she didn't freak out, instead the graceful and tactful lady that she is, she waited and listened to what jen-jen has to say. She dismissed the topic, carried on like any normal day and put it at the back of her mind. and now she is telling me. she is telling me, her only daughter! Her freaked out only daughter, her bestfriend in the whole world, who is 13 hours of airplane ride away from her! i couldn't do anything but think and later on, yes, i cried. I felt like to. And there's nothing much I can do in a situation like this, anyway. My mom said, the past few days she has been dreaming of my late grandmother (her mom) and something like having someone in the family die. That's not a good thing. Really. And i whispered, "God, please let it not be my mom. Not now."

It's hard to hear news like that. It bugs me and doesn't help. Anybody out there probably loves their mom the best in the whole world and i do too! and right now, i just want to pack my bags, get into the next available flight, go home and sleep beside her.

alpha

It's redeeming.
to be blogging again.
to not care about grammatical errors and misplaced punctuation marks.
to miss out on capital letters and indenting first words.
to just write. and type. any idea that comes to your mind.

***

Yesterday, i felt my usual self. The one who is obsessed about being in control and is freaked out by people crossing her personal space. And suddenly, i just bursted out crying and crying until i felt like it wasn't gonna stop. It was the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability surfacing. I was no longer the control freak that I was. And after he hugged me real tight, i stopped. I composed myself. I felt safe.

What just happened will surely recur in the coming Sundays again. So i thought, he better be ready.

***

This is the start.
Of something I can hopefully keep up with.
Something that will help me ease my headache or some stress induced gastric upset.
Or something to accompany when he gets tired of dealing with my outbursts, going on in a vicious cycle.

I feel really good writing again. :)