sent

i lost a patient at work. it was sudden. i really felt so low and so down that i asked for a 5 minute break from my team coordinator away from the floor so i could cry by myself in a cold and quiet place that is our staff locker room, where my own breathing echoes against the walls. i wanted to talk to someone because the remaining 3 hours i have left to work on the floor seemed like forever. the sadness is weighing me down. i had you on my mind first, but i couldn't reach you. and the image of your battery-empty phone sitting on the computer desk crossed my mind. deep sigh. this is one significantly low point for me and i couldn't let it all out because the person i chose to share it with is, yes, just a 20 minute walk away from me but could not be reached. i had to comfort myself and brush off a creeping thought in my mind that maybe, i can't really rely on anyone else. it felt so lonely. but i thought, you are here, with me. and you should know that you are my bestfriend too and that it is not too much for me to expect for you to be there for me. i needed you 3 hours ago because i knew you would say the words i'd like to and have to hear, the words that will get me up on my feet again, the words that will tell me that 3 hours isn't that far and that i can make it through the day. but there was no one at the other end of the line.

this is what i am saying. the little things count. when i told you na gusto ko magpaligaw ulit, i meant it. because i wanted to remember again and again what is it that made me love you in the 1st place. those sweet text messages, those surprises, those candid ways of yours that make me laugh so hard, those times when you always had in mind what i liked most. i miss your presence a lot. those little things that maybe too tiny for you to notice, those things matter. being there for eachother is much more than living together and seeing each other everyday. i am not blaming you. i love you so much that it upsets me.

so that ring, don't buy it if you're not ready to make those little things count. i will forget that ring-choosing-incident with your family hovering around us, that happened on saturday afternoon never occured. it's not how i imagined it to be. i want to get a ring from you when i know you are ready to put both your feet in for me, to always be there not just to be present, to make those little changes and to really "engage yourself to me." this is your time to finally show me and to promise me what you regret doing in the past and what you're looking forward to in the future you are offering me. so don't blow it. don't let that go.


i'll be out today, be back at around 10. will drive around. couldn't text you my whereabouts because your phone is here.
i hope next time, you'll be there.