God does work in wondrous ways.
Today, going home from work, I actually dreaded to go home because of the awkward silence, the not-knowing-what-to-say ... But she came to me, at one of her lowest points, if not the most. And you never kick a fallen man, that's what my mom always said. so I told myself, this is God's bridge. I put all my fears and apprehensions aside and helped her get up. That's how I crossed the bridge. :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
My Belief System
I believe
1. that love is a choice
2. in karma
3. that we need to keep friends who are loyal, not just the 'good' ones
4. that trust is earned
5. that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
6. in second, even third chances
7. that we are entitled to 'off' days
8. in doing everything fair and square
9. that sacrifices in the end, have rewards
10. in faith
11. that a lesson is repeated until learned.
12. that respect begets respect
13. in transparency of emotions
14. that humility will bring you places
15. so will obedience
16. that patience is a virtue
17. in a Filipino saying, "kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw."
18. that home is ALWAYS where the heart is
19. that no matter who you are, where you are in your life or what you do, your family will stand by you.
20. in trying despite failing. And rising after falling
21. in boundaries
22. that your principles, values and morals will keep you whole
23. that parenting is a skill and not all parents have that skill
24. that laughter is the BEST medicine
25. that each day is a blessing
26. in God
27. in memories that need to be cherished
28. that our history is what shapes us
29. that everything that we do should be parallel with our own belief system otherwise, we are just betraying ourselves
1. that love is a choice
2. in karma
3. that we need to keep friends who are loyal, not just the 'good' ones
4. that trust is earned
5. that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
6. in second, even third chances
7. that we are entitled to 'off' days
8. in doing everything fair and square
9. that sacrifices in the end, have rewards
10. in faith
11. that a lesson is repeated until learned.
12. that respect begets respect
13. in transparency of emotions
14. that humility will bring you places
15. so will obedience
16. that patience is a virtue
17. in a Filipino saying, "kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw."
18. that home is ALWAYS where the heart is
19. that no matter who you are, where you are in your life or what you do, your family will stand by you.
20. in trying despite failing. And rising after falling
21. in boundaries
22. that your principles, values and morals will keep you whole
23. that parenting is a skill and not all parents have that skill
24. that laughter is the BEST medicine
25. that each day is a blessing
26. in God
27. in memories that need to be cherished
28. that our history is what shapes us
29. that everything that we do should be parallel with our own belief system otherwise, we are just betraying ourselves
Sent and awaiting reply
Somehow I thought it's unfair what you said to me one day. And now, I am holding on to that painful statement you said that left me in awe. But not in a good way.
You were always my go-to person. When something great happens, I can't wait to share it with you. When something negative happens, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. And even the mere sharing of childhood dreams, plans waiting to happen, absurd or silly ideas and just plain and simple random thoughts, I'd say I'd still go to you more than any of my friends because you are always present. You were always there. And I appreciate that A LOT because sweety, when you are in a land far, far away and you are unbelievably thriving to survive, even the tiniest gesture of concern and affection matter. And that's what I found in you. You were someone consistent. and you knew me. You actually knew me and you gave a damn to try to know me more, tried to stomach my quirks, tried to laugh at my silliest jokes and tried to listen to my unending litany of hopes and what-ifs. Hand over heart I can say that even among the friends I have at work, I haven't shed my life open that much and that far except to you. Even without a title, we knew we were one of the best friends of each other. I felt that. So despite the distance, I still felt we were together, like closely knitted together. Until the 1st of 2 things happened.
When you uttered those unforgiving things towards not me, but my mom about not buying that house from your friend, I have to say you dropped the bomb. I have always always expected that my friends, close friends at that, will give nothing but utmost respect for my parents and that day on February when I got your letter, I felt devastated. Well, partly for the misunderstanding, partly for what had to happen but mostly because I felt you stood up for someone else, not ME and lastly, because I had to hear (or read) such vague accusations from you without anything grounded.
But I said, "Hey, she's a really really good friend. And Maybe she said that at the peak of her emotions. And what are 9 years of friendship for?" So even if I was silently hurting because of what you directed towards my mom and for myself because I am choosing to stand up for you instead of standing up for my mom, who has stood up for me in every sense of the word, I told myself, maybe it's worth it. So I tried, with all my God-given patience, to put it all behind me and move forward because I find you are more than a friend to me. And in saying that, I don't want you to get crossed off my list.
And then, one day with all my rare enthusiasm and eagerness, I asked you "kamusta? " And you finally said, "Pagod na akong sumagot sa tanong na kamusta." Well, the bomb that you dropped earlier? It exploded in front of my face with all our fond college memories flying all over the place. I began to ask myself a lot of questions, which up until today are unanswered. I am crushed! After 9 years of friendship, I think we've learned a thing or two about being there for each other. But then I heard it from you. And as I mentioned way, way above, there is nothing more painful than to feel more and more alone because the people you want to be by your side, are all away from you. They are nowhere near to be found. Y'know, staying here in this country where I am for 3 years, my heart is still breaking everyday because I refuse to get used to being alone and I resent the fact that I have to be. For how long? I don't have an answer. So what I'm saying is, you are most of what I got. And yet, I heard that from you. It's hard and painful and harsh to hear such words from a friend of nearly a decade. What I'm really saying is: I am hurt with what you said to me and I wanted you to know that.
I would like to believe that as much as you have been a good friend to me, I have been so as well. However, that's not for me to decide, really. I can only say that I am a friend the best way I know how. And among the very few, I suppose (and expect you, somehow too) you know that.
I am writing this for all the years of fun and pains; of previously wondering and now, knowing; of secrets left behind the anonymity of a blinking cursor,and of our dreams and promises waiting to be fulfilled and carefully kept (respectively). I feel I owe myself this release of emotions and I feel I should let you know the truth.
Wherever you are in your life right now, I hope this reaches you well.
You were always my go-to person. When something great happens, I can't wait to share it with you. When something negative happens, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. And even the mere sharing of childhood dreams, plans waiting to happen, absurd or silly ideas and just plain and simple random thoughts, I'd say I'd still go to you more than any of my friends because you are always present. You were always there. And I appreciate that A LOT because sweety, when you are in a land far, far away and you are unbelievably thriving to survive, even the tiniest gesture of concern and affection matter. And that's what I found in you. You were someone consistent. and you knew me. You actually knew me and you gave a damn to try to know me more, tried to stomach my quirks, tried to laugh at my silliest jokes and tried to listen to my unending litany of hopes and what-ifs. Hand over heart I can say that even among the friends I have at work, I haven't shed my life open that much and that far except to you. Even without a title, we knew we were one of the best friends of each other. I felt that. So despite the distance, I still felt we were together, like closely knitted together. Until the 1st of 2 things happened.
When you uttered those unforgiving things towards not me, but my mom about not buying that house from your friend, I have to say you dropped the bomb. I have always always expected that my friends, close friends at that, will give nothing but utmost respect for my parents and that day on February when I got your letter, I felt devastated. Well, partly for the misunderstanding, partly for what had to happen but mostly because I felt you stood up for someone else, not ME and lastly, because I had to hear (or read) such vague accusations from you without anything grounded.
But I said, "Hey, she's a really really good friend. And Maybe she said that at the peak of her emotions. And what are 9 years of friendship for?" So even if I was silently hurting because of what you directed towards my mom and for myself because I am choosing to stand up for you instead of standing up for my mom, who has stood up for me in every sense of the word, I told myself, maybe it's worth it. So I tried, with all my God-given patience, to put it all behind me and move forward because I find you are more than a friend to me. And in saying that, I don't want you to get crossed off my list.
And then, one day with all my rare enthusiasm and eagerness, I asked you "kamusta? " And you finally said, "Pagod na akong sumagot sa tanong na kamusta." Well, the bomb that you dropped earlier? It exploded in front of my face with all our fond college memories flying all over the place. I began to ask myself a lot of questions, which up until today are unanswered. I am crushed! After 9 years of friendship, I think we've learned a thing or two about being there for each other. But then I heard it from you. And as I mentioned way, way above, there is nothing more painful than to feel more and more alone because the people you want to be by your side, are all away from you. They are nowhere near to be found. Y'know, staying here in this country where I am for 3 years, my heart is still breaking everyday because I refuse to get used to being alone and I resent the fact that I have to be. For how long? I don't have an answer. So what I'm saying is, you are most of what I got. And yet, I heard that from you. It's hard and painful and harsh to hear such words from a friend of nearly a decade. What I'm really saying is: I am hurt with what you said to me and I wanted you to know that.
I would like to believe that as much as you have been a good friend to me, I have been so as well. However, that's not for me to decide, really. I can only say that I am a friend the best way I know how. And among the very few, I suppose (and expect you, somehow too) you know that.
I am writing this for all the years of fun and pains; of previously wondering and now, knowing; of secrets left behind the anonymity of a blinking cursor,and of our dreams and promises waiting to be fulfilled and carefully kept (respectively). I feel I owe myself this release of emotions and I feel I should let you know the truth.
Wherever you are in your life right now, I hope this reaches you well.
I'm just saying
Driving home from work last night, I felt particularly lonely. The air was cool (it's spring!), the road was clear, and the sounds of the past week that's been no-time-to-pee-busy is almost inaudible to me. With a Smile came on my radio as Track number 10 when i turned it on and it completed the scene.
Every day I wonder. I think about my other options, I think of where I am right now, I think of where I'm supposed to be and sometimes, I think of going back home. For good. And then, I am brought back to reality which is harsh but true.
***
This week, I was told off 3 times. I know cause I'm keeping track. And everytime the moment breezes you by, it's as if nothing happened. So you go on all chirpy while I am left in hollow trying to decipher what the heck just happened?
I don't want to spend my days not talking because I am too scared to be told off.
So I have decided.
Every day I wonder. I think about my other options, I think of where I am right now, I think of where I'm supposed to be and sometimes, I think of going back home. For good. And then, I am brought back to reality which is harsh but true.
***
This week, I was told off 3 times. I know cause I'm keeping track. And everytime the moment breezes you by, it's as if nothing happened. So you go on all chirpy while I am left in hollow trying to decipher what the heck just happened?
I don't want to spend my days not talking because I am too scared to be told off.
So I have decided.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I am groomed by these
That sounded like a sponsorship introduction like how celebrities thank their sponsors for the products they endorse. But no, that's not what I meant.
Different as people are, I know that every way of life should be respected. I have actually encountered some parenting strategies that seem to be honing children wrongly and much as I'd like to butt in, I'm not in the position to do so, so I keep mum. But yeah, I have proven that parenting is a skill and unfortunately, not all parents have that skill. So, I just wanna share what my parents and elders have thought me, nagging-ly reminded me, almost tirelessly mentioned every time...all through these years.
Hindi kailangan lahat maranasan mo, para malaman mo ang mali sa tama. Kaya kami (parents) nandito para sabihin yun sa'yo. Kaya importanteng nakikinig ka samin. At kaya rin we can all learn from other people's mistake. That's what my mom said and it's beautiful! Up until today,, I adhere to her words because not only are these true but they haunt me! Kiddin', ma. :) She also said that learning from others saves you a great deal of hurt, embarrassment and/or failure. And that is absolutely true! Some might argue that knowing is not the same as feeling or some might say that it's better to experience something first-hand. But I say in reply, "Dude, why make it hard on yourself when there's someone who so selflessly looks out for you and says that smoking is bad for your health, will give you bad skin and will suck your money down the drain."
Lesson learned: Obedience. Not easy to do as it takes lots of submissiveness, trust and honor. A big applaud to anyone who has been obedient to their folks.
Finish your studies. That is from my parents who both swear by the value of education. My mom is in HR so she's into hiring people and she's seen 1st hand how cruel the world is to those who haven't finished their studies or those who did finish but whose grades are mockingly embarrassing to show to anyone. Both my parents believed in the power of good education. And in this age when a bachelor's degree is just enough to get you a meager job, I now fully understand how vital education is not just to keep you up and ahead but to give you a lifetime of self-worth.
Lesson learned: Finish school with good grades.
I-enjoy mo yung pagka-dalaga mo. Mag-travel ka, bilhin mo yung gusto mo habang bata ka - as said by Ninang Joy. And I know she did enjoy it during her days. She traveled to a lot of local places, had lots of stuff, ate out with friends every Friday night and boy, was I jealous looking at her with me big eyes and 6-year old curiosity. Now that I am earning and on my own, I know what she meant.
Lesson learned: LIVE!!!
Pay yourself. Ninang Glen always said, you've worked for it, you deserve to be paid. Put a little amount for yourself. Save for it. And give something back to God. Apart from that, she taught me so much more by her ways about generosity, selflessness and going for your dreams. She is truly an example.
Lesson learned: Reward yourself
By example, papa showed me the importance and great, great rewards of following ones parents and honoring thy father and thy mother.
Lesson learned: 4th commandment
***
Parent: He was off with his friends. I let him go off with that thing. I knew better. I knew better....I should have stopped him.
Dr. Bailey: Kids spin out of control sometimes. They spin out of control. You can't stop them.
Parent: Yes, you can. You can control them. That's your job as a parent to control them.
- Grey's anatomy season 3 episode 2
***
Different as people are, I know that every way of life should be respected. I have actually encountered some parenting strategies that seem to be honing children wrongly and much as I'd like to butt in, I'm not in the position to do so, so I keep mum. But yeah, I have proven that parenting is a skill and unfortunately, not all parents have that skill. So, I just wanna share what my parents and elders have thought me, nagging-ly reminded me, almost tirelessly mentioned every time...all through these years.
Hindi kailangan lahat maranasan mo, para malaman mo ang mali sa tama. Kaya kami (parents) nandito para sabihin yun sa'yo. Kaya importanteng nakikinig ka samin. At kaya rin we can all learn from other people's mistake. That's what my mom said and it's beautiful! Up until today,, I adhere to her words because not only are these true but they haunt me! Kiddin', ma. :) She also said that learning from others saves you a great deal of hurt, embarrassment and/or failure. And that is absolutely true! Some might argue that knowing is not the same as feeling or some might say that it's better to experience something first-hand. But I say in reply, "Dude, why make it hard on yourself when there's someone who so selflessly looks out for you and says that smoking is bad for your health, will give you bad skin and will suck your money down the drain."
Lesson learned: Obedience. Not easy to do as it takes lots of submissiveness, trust and honor. A big applaud to anyone who has been obedient to their folks.
Finish your studies. That is from my parents who both swear by the value of education. My mom is in HR so she's into hiring people and she's seen 1st hand how cruel the world is to those who haven't finished their studies or those who did finish but whose grades are mockingly embarrassing to show to anyone. Both my parents believed in the power of good education. And in this age when a bachelor's degree is just enough to get you a meager job, I now fully understand how vital education is not just to keep you up and ahead but to give you a lifetime of self-worth.
Lesson learned: Finish school with good grades.
I-enjoy mo yung pagka-dalaga mo. Mag-travel ka, bilhin mo yung gusto mo habang bata ka - as said by Ninang Joy. And I know she did enjoy it during her days. She traveled to a lot of local places, had lots of stuff, ate out with friends every Friday night and boy, was I jealous looking at her with me big eyes and 6-year old curiosity. Now that I am earning and on my own, I know what she meant.
Lesson learned: LIVE!!!
Pay yourself. Ninang Glen always said, you've worked for it, you deserve to be paid. Put a little amount for yourself. Save for it. And give something back to God. Apart from that, she taught me so much more by her ways about generosity, selflessness and going for your dreams. She is truly an example.
Lesson learned: Reward yourself
By example, papa showed me the importance and great, great rewards of following ones parents and honoring thy father and thy mother.
Lesson learned: 4th commandment
***
Parent: He was off with his friends. I let him go off with that thing. I knew better. I knew better....I should have stopped him.
Dr. Bailey: Kids spin out of control sometimes. They spin out of control. You can't stop them.
Parent: Yes, you can. You can control them. That's your job as a parent to control them.
- Grey's anatomy season 3 episode 2
***
growing old too fast, too young
That's how I think it is.
Everyday, the world is unfolding. The sun rises on the east. I go to work, come home and do some house chores and voila! The day has finished. And another day begins.
There's so much wasted time and energy I spend sitting in front of a computer and daydreaming by myself because most of the time, there's no one to talk to. Unlike home, when the days are stretched, there are a multitude of things that I can occupy my mind with and yet, there's still time at the end of each day. Amazing how time seems to differ in various places.
But really, when you are forced to a corner with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, there's nothing else you can do but dissolve yourself in the moment. You have to find a way to thrive. So even if you are pushed to your limit, you have to bounce back. And I still believe that when you're at the bottom, there's no other way but up.
Everyday, the world is unfolding. The sun rises on the east. I go to work, come home and do some house chores and voila! The day has finished. And another day begins.
There's so much wasted time and energy I spend sitting in front of a computer and daydreaming by myself because most of the time, there's no one to talk to. Unlike home, when the days are stretched, there are a multitude of things that I can occupy my mind with and yet, there's still time at the end of each day. Amazing how time seems to differ in various places.
But really, when you are forced to a corner with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, there's nothing else you can do but dissolve yourself in the moment. You have to find a way to thrive. So even if you are pushed to your limit, you have to bounce back. And I still believe that when you're at the bottom, there's no other way but up.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My Favourites (delayed birthday entry)
salt and pepper squid
roast pork with crsipy balat
wicked wings
crispy noodles for long life
tofu spring roll, chicken feet, prawn toast, congee, taro puff, prawn dumpling 
watermelon milk tea, honey lemon tea and pulutan sunstitutes
banoffee pie, new york cheesecake, carrot cake, waffle and cups of coffee
pepperoni and sausage pizzaBecause my family is physically absent to celebrate my 25th birthday with me, I thought of going low key with the celebration. And because it is a celebration of me (and only me!), I said I'd go with my favourites and wish they're here to dine, feast and celebrate this milestone with me.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Erik Erikson said
Browsing through the net, I came across one of my favourite topics to read, which is Erikson's Psychosocial Development and then it got me to thinking.
Looking at my intimate relationships right now, would I be on the "intimacy" or "isolation" part of his Psychosocial crisis? I have some wounded, if not broken friendships recently (meaning the last couple of years) and that definitely doesn't fall under healthy intimacy levels. During Fridays when I am all alone for most part of the day, I'd either walk alone strolling by the shops in the city or at home baking some goodies with a DVD popped in the player and I absolutely enjoy it.Or perhaps, I've gotten used to it. I read in a magazine article that it only takes 3 weeks (of consistent doing or not doing) for someone to form a habit. I have been staying home with DVDs as company for the past 3 years hence, the preference to be by myself. I sometimes find it such an effort to sit with someone and try to figure out what I'm gonna say and try to draw the line to where the sharing ends so I'd rather be by myself. Is it that I am pushing people away? Or do I really just love quiet time?
One more thought: now I understand why couples at this stage break up because "we like different things". By saying that I think it means someone is ready to settle down (intimacy) and the other is holding back commitment (isolation). Wow, what a powerful theory this is!
The virtue of the crisis intimacy vs isolation is LOVE and the modality is to be able to find oneself in others. I am not quite sure where I stand but I guess resolving conflicts to form relationships does take both sides for it to work. And though I know how to do it, I dunno where to start because frankly speaking, there is so much solace in being alone and I am really loving it.
Looking at my intimate relationships right now, would I be on the "intimacy" or "isolation" part of his Psychosocial crisis? I have some wounded, if not broken friendships recently (meaning the last couple of years) and that definitely doesn't fall under healthy intimacy levels. During Fridays when I am all alone for most part of the day, I'd either walk alone strolling by the shops in the city or at home baking some goodies with a DVD popped in the player and I absolutely enjoy it.Or perhaps, I've gotten used to it. I read in a magazine article that it only takes 3 weeks (of consistent doing or not doing) for someone to form a habit. I have been staying home with DVDs as company for the past 3 years hence, the preference to be by myself. I sometimes find it such an effort to sit with someone and try to figure out what I'm gonna say and try to draw the line to where the sharing ends so I'd rather be by myself. Is it that I am pushing people away? Or do I really just love quiet time?
One more thought: now I understand why couples at this stage break up because "we like different things". By saying that I think it means someone is ready to settle down (intimacy) and the other is holding back commitment (isolation). Wow, what a powerful theory this is!
The virtue of the crisis intimacy vs isolation is LOVE and the modality is to be able to find oneself in others. I am not quite sure where I stand but I guess resolving conflicts to form relationships does take both sides for it to work. And though I know how to do it, I dunno where to start because frankly speaking, there is so much solace in being alone and I am really loving it.
Love in the eyes of Dementia
Talking to a severely demented 80-something lady.
Me: So, are you married?
Lady: No. The boy I love died in the war. So I said, the hell with them! I'm not gonna marry someone else.
Me: Why not?
Lady: Because I'd feel guilty for being with someone else.
* Dementia - a degenerative decline in memory and cognitive function, which has various causes. *
Me: So, are you married?
Lady: No. The boy I love died in the war. So I said, the hell with them! I'm not gonna marry someone else.
Me: Why not?
Lady: Because I'd feel guilty for being with someone else.
* Dementia - a degenerative decline in memory and cognitive function, which has various causes. *
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