Sent and awaiting reply

Somehow I thought it's unfair what you said to me one day. And now, I am holding on to that painful statement you said that left me in awe. But not in a good way.



You were always my go-to person. When something great happens, I can't wait to share it with you. When something negative happens, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. And even the mere sharing of childhood dreams, plans waiting to happen, absurd or silly ideas and just plain and simple random thoughts, I'd say I'd still go to you more than any of my friends because you are always present. You were always there. And I appreciate that A LOT because sweety, when you are in a land far, far away and you are unbelievably thriving to survive, even the tiniest gesture of concern and affection matter. And that's what I found in you. You were someone consistent. and you knew me. You actually knew me and you gave a damn to try to know me more, tried to stomach my quirks, tried to laugh at my silliest jokes and tried to listen to my unending litany of hopes and what-ifs. Hand over heart I can say that even among the friends I have at work, I haven't shed my life open that much and that far except to you. Even without a title, we knew we were one of the best friends of each other. I felt that. So despite the distance, I still felt we were together, like closely knitted together. Until the 1st of 2 things happened.



When you uttered those unforgiving things towards not me, but my mom about not buying that house from your friend, I have to say you dropped the bomb. I have always always expected that my friends, close friends at that, will give nothing but utmost respect for my parents and that day on February when I got your letter, I felt devastated. Well, partly for the misunderstanding, partly for what had to happen but mostly because I felt you stood up for someone else, not ME and lastly, because I had to hear (or read) such vague accusations from you without anything grounded.


But I said, "Hey, she's a really really good friend. And Maybe she said that at the peak of her emotions. And what are 9 years of friendship for?" So even if I was silently hurting because of what you directed towards my mom and for myself because I am choosing to stand up for you instead of standing up for my mom, who has stood up for me in every sense of the word, I told myself, maybe it's worth it. So I tried, with all my God-given patience, to put it all behind me and move forward because I find you are more than a friend to me. And in saying that, I don't want you to get crossed off my list.


And then, one day with all my rare enthusiasm and eagerness, I asked you "kamusta? " And you finally said, "Pagod na akong sumagot sa tanong na kamusta." Well, the bomb that you dropped earlier? It exploded in front of my face with all our fond college memories flying all over the place. I began to ask myself a lot of questions, which up until today are unanswered. I am crushed! After 9 years of friendship, I think we've learned a thing or two about being there for each other. But then I heard it from you. And as I mentioned way, way above, there is nothing more painful than to feel more and more alone because the people you want to be by your side, are all away from you. They are nowhere near to be found. Y'know, staying here in this country where I am for 3 years, my heart is still breaking everyday because I refuse to get used to being alone and I resent the fact that I have to be. For how long? I don't have an answer. So what I'm saying is, you are most of what I got. And yet, I heard that from you. It's hard and painful and harsh to hear such words from a friend of nearly a decade. What I'm really saying is: I am hurt with what you said to me and I wanted you to know that.


I would like to believe that as much as you have been a good friend to me, I have been so as well. However, that's not for me to decide, really. I can only say that I am a friend the best way I know how. And among the very few, I suppose (and expect you, somehow too) you know that.



I am writing this for all the years of fun and pains; of previously wondering and now, knowing; of secrets left behind the anonymity of a blinking cursor,and of our dreams and promises waiting to be fulfilled and carefully kept (respectively). I feel I owe myself this release of emotions and I feel I should let you know the truth.

Wherever you are in your life right now, I hope this reaches you well.