My 2009 in Retrospect

While typing this entry, I am eating leftover Christmas eve food, which needs to be consumed or it will spoil in my fridge. So yeah, it's dinner time here. I am by myself in my apartment, which I kind of appreciate especially when I am blogging.

Every time this time of the year comes, I always feel reflective and I want to look back on how my year was including the challenges and achievements I had and accomplished. And it gives me a sense of closure and a feeling that I can freely move on into the new year.

So here's to the year of learning to let go...letting go of doubts, letting go of worries, letting go of hatred and letting go of emotional baggage that has been pulling me down and delaying my journey.

January 2009
I went home. I felt so incredibly happy and ecstatic that once again, even for just a few weeks, i can be with my friends and family once again. I got to hang out with my mom and exchange stories just like what we used to do. :) I had the chance to go out of town for an entire weekend with my dearest friends without worrying about anything else except for how drunk we wanted to be. I missed the noise, the traffic, the lights and the humidity of the air. I felt comfortable as I walked around our house barefooted, eating pandesal and queso in the morning and hearing jeepneys passing by. I felt so relieved to be home. And i had the feeling of not wanting to leave. But I had to. And for the 2nd time, I didn't look behind me as I walked through the airport glass doors.

February 2009
We bought our 1st car. One of my dear friends at work decided to move to Sydney so she sold her Camry to us. It felt so liberating to have your hands on the wheel of your 1st car that you paid for with your money. Not anything given to you by your parents or some generous godparent. But it is your own. Our own. And it feels damn good!

March 2009
I was team coordinator several times which felt both scary and good.
I also had a pay rise this month. :)

April 2009
I had another pay rise. :)
I was chosen by my Charge Nurse to attend to a seminar wherein I met a lot of other health care professionals from different hospitals around the country. I felt so privileged. :)

May 2009
Angel came home for a 2 week stay. We ate out and had a lot of fun and a lot more talking. :) This is also the month when Rommel came over to Auckland for a visit and we showed him around and for the 1st time, I met Marge who has been in NZ for half a year, i think but I never had the chance to meet her when she came. So it was a 4-6 reunion of some sort.
I also did a teaching session for approximately 20 nurses in our ward wherein I got very good feedback. :)

June 2009
Completion and submission of work portfolio.

July 2009
He bought me an engagement ring, which he hasn't formally given to me as of date.

August 2009
I had a birthday party for the 1st time here. It was fun and different because I haven't had a party since my debut. So it was kinda cool being the star of the night for everyone.
Our car's wiper broke down and we had to be towed from North Shore back to our apartment.
It's our 7th year anniversary too.
Talked with him about my being aloof and my not so warm and equally strange relationship with his mother who isn't my favorite person and who feels exactly the same way about me. It was uplifting to be able to share such intensity of subject with someone and still feel loved at the end. This is when I decided that he is for keeps.

September 2009
My mom went to the USA for the 1st time to visit Ninang Glen and to accompany Lolo until he settles down. She stayed for a month there. During her stay, 2 incredibly devastating typhoons hit Manila where the rest of my family suffered tremendously. I felt so worried, anxious and helpless.

October 2009
Felt betrayed by a friend. And that spelled all the difference in what used to be our friendship.

November 2009
I have repaid in whole the money I loaned. So now, I can fully enjoy and share the fruits of my labour. :)
My parents had a separation fit which tore my heart and taught me how valuable family is.
A close friend revealed something to me that I swore I will bring with me to my grave.

December 2009
We started talking about when our wedding will be. And that is 2 years from now. So we gotta start saving.
I was hit by pangs of loneliness because of separation from my family during the Holiday Season, which is so depressing.
My parents decided to give our family another chance.

***

Being 5 days away from 2010, I am looking into the coming year with hopeful eyes and an unwavering faith that I will be able to endure and enjoy the next 12 months. It is after all, what the new year is all about. I am definite that there will be more lessons and experiences plotted for me this coming year and I will pull through it, without a doubt. :)

Yuletide thoughts

i was up early today and i couldn't go back to sleep. Today's my friday and i'll be off from work for 3 days which is quite a rest for me, only not. This coming Christmas day and the weekend will be a handful for me. There's the midnight mass, the noche buena, the exchanging of presents, the beach tambay and whatnots. So there's really no rest day, so to speak.

***

the past week, i spent too much! maybe i was trying to compensate for the sadness i am feeling this season. WHenever I see anything i want, i just think to myself, my family's not here, no one to celebrate with, no presents to open, i cook my own noche buena so i think i deserve a little something. and because of this pep-talk, i have exceeded my budget, and next payday will be next week pa! i am serious trouble...i might even have to fiddle with my savings, if the need arises. that is not good.

***

i bought a new planner. and i saw one of my unused notebooks so i thought it could pass as a journal. and yes, i have started writing and i promised i'll keep up with it. everything doesn't have to be blogged so i am going back to old-school journal with gel pens. :)

***

i miss Christmas sa pinas! No Christmas carols, no traffic, no shopping rush, no Christmas spirit...and it feels so lonely. sigh. I miss everything about Philippines! lalo na my family.

Signs of Ageing

Tumatanda na yata ako.

Naiingayan na ako sa mga bar/disco. I find those places really annoying, actually. Or maybe, maaga lang talaga akong nagsawa sa mga discos and bars. I'd probably still love to go to concerts and/or music bars. Pero mga clubs, no way!

I prefer having coffee somewhere quiet. I can even have coffee all by myself now. I don't feel conscious anymore. I just enjoy the silence. (and listening to other people's conversations). But of course, kung malapit lang ako sa mga kaibigan ko sa Pinas, I'd really love to have long talks with them over dinner and some drinks.

I've had a new-found love for anything that shines and sparkles. Grabe, i always stop by jewelry stores and actually appreciate their collections. In fact, I even look at online catalogs!

I love a home-cooked meal. I'd really love it if my mom would prepare it but since she's not anywhere near me, I have learned to fend for myself and cook really great recipes! So far, I've done the basics like adobo, sinigang, tinola, nilaga and mechado. Plus all the fried dishes. But lately, I've done pastel de lengua, beef lasagna, sisig, beef spareribs, carbonara, pancit canton, pancit bihon, pancit palabok and the list goes on. :) I think I wanna venture into a party planning business eventually. That'll be really cool :)

My weekend means grocery shopping; marinading, chopping and generally preparing our food for the week; doing laundry and ironing; and not going out on Sundays because I don't want to be too tired the day before my work week begins.

Or maybe, I am just outgrowing my old habits and there are some things that I'm just not so used to anymore. *shrug*

Two Sides of a Story

looking at this blog, for a while i thought i had already abandoned it. typing the 1st few words of this entry made me feel silly because i don't know where to begin. it has been so-so number of days, i think a month, even. and it seems odd to start writing an entry in the middle of the night (now) and in the middle of the month (now, too). sigh.

quarter life crisis --- I've heard of it several times that the term actually sounds cool to use. at first, i didn't believe that someone at the prime of his/her life, at the pink of health and with all the zest of youthfulness overflowing, is capable of going through the quarter life crisis. And then it donned on me.

***

At this age, it's really hard to believe and accept that my parents have stopped loving each other. I mean, I am 24 for Chrissake! I have gone through the raging hormones of puberty, my own version of juvenile delinquency and finally taming myself down as the prodigal daughter but i have never, ever imagined that my family love story will end at this age. It is so intensely painful to see that the 1st love stroy i have ever witnessed and later on, have grown to love is slowly breaking down in front of me. And I am helpless. Suddenly, I am naive about all these things. We are not a perfect or ideal family. We have our share of heartaches, screaming matches and all interesting bits of family issues but I just realized that knowing that it's not gonna work and actually hearing your parents wanting their marriage dissolution-ed is totally different and it has elicited a myriad of emotions and confusion from me. For a while, my brain stopped working and it was trying to prioritize what i should feel first because when you get news like this and your opinion isn't asked, you aren't left with anything else but to take a deep breath, gulp down the intensity of the decision that is meant to change your life drastically and flash your life before your eyes and think that as the 1st born, where did everything go wrong? I believe at this point, it's a question that will never be answered. It is so hard to be part of something whole and then suddenly not become a part of the "wholeness" anymore. It is the standing on neutral ground that is overwhelming because half of me is her and half of me is him and I wouldn't want anyone of them to feel hurt or betrayed if I sided with someone. It is the forced responsibility on me to look after my 2 brothers and make sure they not only understand but more so that they'll believe that they have done nothing wrong and we are all victims in this crazy episode of our life. It is difficult to decipher the "even if we aren't together anymore, we still love you" statement. From the moment I heard that, I knew everything won't be the same anymore.

In Psychology of family dynamics, they say that the 1st born is for the father. The 2nd born is always for the mother. And the third is for the family. I think both of them overlooked my youngest brother who is unbelievably thriving in this confusing and misleading situation to keep the family whole.

It's not easy to write about those things but I had to, or i'll go crazy.


***

Yes, I am out of the country. Yes, I am with my boyfriend of 7 years who is enthusiastically dreaming about our future together with our two kids. Yes, I am earning more than most of the people i know. Yes, I have the financial freedom to buy anything I crave for or anything I want to have. Yes, I am employed in the biggest hospital in this country. Yes, I have my own car at 23 years old, I have my own apartment in the heart of the city in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Yes, I am living the single and independent life. But underneath all of these things, I really want to know: am I genuinely happy? In my 2-year life living apart from my family and friends, I realized one greatest thing that I have heard all my life but never really understood it's meaning: Money can't buy happiness, specially the ones you only experience with your family and true friends.
And what's the setback for me of all these? I am taking sleeping tablets as I am too anxious and unable to sleep at night. I am dealing with my boyfriend's mom and her oh-so extraordinary ways of ruining my life. I have no true, tried and tested friend here which makes it doubly hard for me to deal with all my struggles and heartaches. I am apart from my family and that makes my stay here not so worth it and it definitely makes all the difference.

I used to love Christmas. The Yuletide Season is my favorite season because it's when the world stops fighting and you are safe and happy with your family with an abundance of food on yor table and presents under the tree. It's when you get to see relatives you haven't run into for ages. It's when you get text messages and phone calls from friends greeting you a meaningful Christmas and a truly abundant and peaceful New Year. It's a great time of the year! But when you are alone in a foreign land where the people can't even feign excitment for the season and you are miles away from everyone who means the world to you, it certainly makes the Christmas not so merry. Not to mention all the missed birthdays, reunions, mother's days, father's days, and all the other momentous occassions best celebrated when you are with your family.

***

This is my quarter life crisis.

But yeah, I am surviving. I was born and raised to overcome all that come my way. I am a tough shell. I say these things over and over again to get me up on my feet. I know that I will be given the chance to meet up with my friends over coffee while laughing our hearts out about the past that strengthened our ties. Plus I know that one day, I will be together with my family again. And that kicks me in the butt to get me going. Faith, i say...it takes you a long, long way.

My September Issue

In fashion, September is January. Vogue magazine released their heaviest and thickest issue in 2007. But in the real world, things incredibly huge and significant happen in September.


In September 2000, 5 incidents mostly in Asia, one in Greece and in Saudi Arabia, occurred claiming lives of hundreds because of flood waters, epidemic (virus), boat sinking and a couple of bomb explosions.
9/11 of course happened on September 11, 2001
Hurricane Katrina happened September 2005
Tropical Storm Milenyo occurred on September 2006
And just this September, an earthquake and a tsunami hit the Samoa Island, an earthquake claimed lives in Indonesia and the Philippines was hit by the strongest typhoon in 40+ years.

What's with September? I used to like September because it is the first of the 'ber' months, which means that Christmas is just around the corner. But as all these unbelievably horrible things are unfolding, I begin to, not only dislike but dread September. And this year, my family had their share of the September nightmare. In fact, just like an aftershock, everything is still carrying on until now that it is October.

My family was one of the unfortunate victims of typhoon Ondoy. I was talking to my brother on Saturday morning when he said he'd talk to me later because it was starting to pour and ankle-deep water was starting to pool in our house. Even if we live in a relatively low area, we never had water going into our house and so talking to my brother about it made me both curious and worried. I had no idea what will happen next. I rang after 45 minutes and when my brother picked up, he was in a bit of a panic ordering my youngest brother to take what he could to the 2nd floor of the house. That was the last I hear and then the phone line got cut.

The following day, I rang them again and our phone line was "not in service" so I tried ringing my brother and my dad's phone number which are both shut off. So i started to worry. I rang my tita's place and there they were. I was so pleased and relieved to hear their voices and to know that they are safe. And so they told me what happened. They had to lift and shift as much furnitures as they could from the ground floor to the 2nd floor of our house. But they weren't able to save our dining table, our fridge and a more than a couple of big, bulky cabinets. So after they shifted as much of the stuff, they had to leave our house and walk in waist-deep floodwater going to my Tita's place which is quite close to our house and which is a safe place for them to be in as well because they weren't affected by the flood at all. Lucky. So yeah, they had to spend days there without enough food, but fortunately with enough water. It wasn't that grave though compared to the other victims but still, they had their share.

Following this sudden tragedy, I learned just a couple of days back that my dad was rushed to the hospital because of nephrolithiasis and he was in excruciating spasms and pain. He may need surgery. I felt terrible. I wish I was there beside him and nurse him instead of nursing people here whom I'm not related to. I sent as much money as I could because that's the only way I can compensate for my absence. It is very frustrating for me.

And just now as I am typing this entry, I am down with the flu, got no voice, having temperature spikes and miles away from my family.

September is just unbelievable. What else could September bring? Honestly, I don't wanna know because I am not ready to accept any thing worse than these things. I am still recuperating and i am sure my family had enough of it as well.

For me, September is a month of pessimism. I think September is cursed. It gives a whole new light and personal meaning to the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends." Still, Thank you God that September is over. Please give us a better tomorrow than today.

And today is October. Which makes me feel better already.

One month crossed off our calendar

I just can't believe how much you love me. It seems surreal. Y'know, the feeling that someone loves you more than you love him. It makes me feel conscious in a way...and secured in a really positive note. It makes me realize that no matter how ugly I am or how loud I snor, you will be there to watch me sleep and kiss me goodmorning the next day. It is unbelievable how you text me you'll miss me knowing we will only be 8 hours apart. Just can't belive that there is still someone so optimistic, so bitten by the love bug, so cheesy and yet, so proud of it. It also makes me scared and quite skeptical to a point. Is this gonna last? Will your feelings still be the same 10 years from now? What if someone better comes along? Is this for good? Forever? Yes, the doubts start crawling in. But I look back and remember all those years of good times, of sneaking, of sweet messages and phone calls, of reassurance, of movie dates perfectly aware of my curfew, of holding hands, of laughing at jokes, of introducing eachother to family and friends, of out of town trips, of quiet moments, of comforting words and hugs and kisses. And it certainly sealed everything perfectly.

Eighty-five.
85 months.
That's a really long time to be together.

A joke a day, sends all my blues away

Dear Lea,

You made me smile today...laugh, in fact.

I was so tired today when i came home from work. It was crazy this morning so I had a nap, ate early dinner and watched a movie on DVD and then I decided to go online. I didn't really plan on catching up with anyone today because I am still feeling battered from work. Poor body mechanics or whatever. This is one of the "too-lazy-i-don't-wanna-go-to-work-anymore day". And really, i just wanna fake it and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow. the routine just makes me sick. The silence is deafening, feeling all alone and miserable. Sigh. But I typed your URL on my search engine and boom, I laughed like mad! You made my day. Just like the old college days when you never fail to make me laugh in the middle of all the cramming and sleeplessness. Despite the distance, you push me to do good, you take my side, you tell me upfront if you think i'm wrong. Thanks for the company.

I wanna laugh beside you again, laugh so loud that my tummy begins to hurt and tears well up in my eyes.

This makes me miss you more.

i wish i could say this to you

we are molded by our experiences both pleasant and not. And this defines, creates and/or contributes to one's character.
i have loyalty and trust issues.
why?

because my boyfriend of 7 years have broken up with me once, have cheated on me once and didn't want to commit at one point.
because i was violated and it was traumatic and incredibly humiliating
because some of my then-close friends betrayed my trust by leaving me hanging in the middle of a very serious but unfortunate circumstance.
because when i first came here unsettled, i was rejected and made to feel very unwelcome.
because my parents' marriage is falling apart and nothing makes you feel more broken than seeing a commitment of a lifetime breakdown just like that.
because my boyfriend's mom thinks that i no longer deserve to wear white on my wedding day.
because i trusted some wrong people.
because some people think that it's okay to mess with me.
because i am someone who clings to the past, who is easily scared, very sensitive and never forgets.
because i learn from my past, and never want to fall down with the same reason ever again.
because i have earned my right to be tough and i have realized that there's no one out there to defend and protect myself but me.
because reality bites and you have to bite back.

***
i feel suffocated, enclosed in my own space because my world gets smaller and smaller as people get crossed off my list.
i feel bitter that it nauseates me.
i feel myself getting smaller as i sink in the mud that is just pulling me down.
i feel fragile, lethargic and helpless but still refusing any help.
i feel shallow and empty that it echoes inside me.
i feel lonely. the hurt, the pain and the tears stemming from within.
i feel misunderstood.
i feel ugly inside. terrible.
i feel unforgiving, unjust and vengeful.
i feel stuck with my feet chained to a steel ball, unable to move forward.

***

i need to believe again.
i need something concrete.
i need to experience that i can trust someone again with my whole heart and soul.
i want someone or something to prove that some people are worth my trust and that not everyone will betray me.
i want to be assured and reassured over and over again.
i want to suppress everything and forget about betrayal and rejection.
i want someone's contagious optimism.
i want to be brave again, not afraid to give my trust and friendship.
i want to move forward and to look back only if it is necessary.
i want to stop nursing the pain and the hurt.
i want to smile again.
i want a promise to be made and never to be broken again.
i want to be free from that steel ball, to feel secured in someone's arms and to let out a good laugh.
i want to move forward.
with you.
show me that it's okay to trust you again. let me feel safe in your embrace. keep my secrets. be on my side even in the toughest of battles. stay with me when everything else is uncertain. let me know that all the others will walk away but that i have a handful of genuine friends who will always stay behind. hold on to me. make me feel whole again. try to fill that gap. teach me that in order to be truly free, the past should be forgotten and left to let go. stay with me even during my ugliest. laugh with me. don't betray me. just try and on't give up on me. remind me to be brave. don't break your promise. show me the love that will endure all weathers. give me your word. love me and just continue to love me. always.

i'll be waiting for that sweet day. and then maybe, i can say i love you too with all honesty and in a way i have never said before.

until then.

My wishlist

Because I am a goal-oriented person, I decided to make my own wishlist that'll hopefully push myself to save instead of spend. :) This is not arranged in any order.


1. A classic wristwatch. - and I am eyeing a pricey one too. For me, it just defines and puts a statement on the whole wardrobe. I actually like something like that on the photo.
2. Chanel 2.55 - every woman's must have purse. I really hope this deosn't remain stuck in my wishlist...it is soooooooo expensive! But it's a really classic and vintage purse. And when my daughter turns 18, i'm gonna give it to her. :)

3. A slide phone - My current mobile phone is actually playing up already so I might change it soon. I've already have a classic phone, a flip phone and so I want a slide one. haha And as long as it can call, text, receive calls and text, take photos and save photos, then i'm all good. :)

4. Macbook pro - i'd really love to have it! I've been going to shops to check for prices and been telling myself to save so that I can buy it soon.

5. Honda CRV - This is actually my dream car...So yes, i have to have this too...hahaha I've been in love with this car since i dunno when. Because it is so cool to see a lady driving a 4x4. And yes, I wanna be that lady. :)

6. LV Speedy - Classic in style, form and brand. And I'm sure it'll last for ages! I don't care if everyone already has a speedy. I told myself if im given a single chance to get a designer bag, i'll opt for this one. My mom got an LV which she is giving to me but i think after all her years of hardwork and housework, she sure deserves her own. :)

7. Tiffany & co. heart charm bracelet - one of those must-haves too! :) When teamed with a white shirt and jeans, it definitely finishes it all off! :)

I love daydreaming! :)

Athos, Porthos, Aramis

I have been here for a couple of years now and it hasn't been easy. And during times when my hormones are surging, it becomes more difficult because I am more contemplative and extra emotional. Just like now, which is why I think that this entry shouldn't be written in the 1st place because I might regret it later on. Just like being sober after a terrible night of being drunk or the feeling that "i shouldn't have" the morning after...

I am always in a trio.

In the early years of high school, I was with 2 other newcomers: Vanessa and Janus. We got along really well, staying late after school, trying to decipher how it is to fit into an exclusive all-girls school after years of being in a co-ed classroom. Vanes is the bubbly one who is very extrovert and who everybody else loves. It was easy for her to form new friends. While Janus on the other hand is the more introvert type, very smart but who takes time to come out of her shell. Later, we drifted into different sections, thus different barkadas but we still got that bond that holds us close because afterall, in a strange environment of everyone wearing a skirt, we managed to survive and settle.

During the next 2 years in high school, I was with 6 other friends who shared the same love for eraserheads, gigs, late night phone calls and passing messages. We weren't the sleezy bitches that everyone hated for cutting classes, stealing boyfriends and spending 95% of the time putting makeup on. We were good, i think. We belonged to decent clubs and electives, became part of the school newspaper, student council and debate club. None of us failed or was sanctioned for whatever reason. But over the years, only 3 of us managed to stay present for eachother. It's me, Donna and Joy. We are different on so many levels yet we get along really well. Joy is always brutally honest. If one of us needed to face the truth, Joy is the one who will tell it to us. Donna is more sympathetic. She will listen and give unsolicited advices but in the end will tell you it's still your call. They are 2 persons I badly miss. Joy just moved to Texas with her family while Donna is busy with her healing workshops back home.

College was different. I was at a loss. It was the real world: strange and scary. But i found Lea and Paula. We got along so well laughing at each other's jokes, learning from everything that seemed alien to us, crawled our way out of nursing alive. The difficulty of nursing was compensated for by nights of staying at Lea's unit sharing secrets and love stories. And everything seemed realtively easier. Lea is the hilarious one who knows when to get into serious business. She copies notes for all 3 of us and makes sure neither of us miss class. And she is the possesive one too, which I think is reasonable because I am the same as well. Paula is the happy go lucky type who doesn't seem to care, who will push me to do anything as long as it will make me happy. She will cover up for me if needed and will not let me feel guilty about the stupid things i did or said. Both of them are very supportive, very loyal, very sincere and that's what I love most in them.

And then for a long time, I didn't have friends as close as those I mentioned above. and then when I came here, I formed another friendship with Carrie and Yen. When I first started my job, there weren't very much young nurses on our ward which made me and Carrie really close. We did our workbooks together, took our exams and practicals almost at the same time and eventually we started going to Mcdonalds for supper after work. When Yen started we didn't know if she was nice but when we started working together, we found out that we jived a lot! And so we started hanging out, requesting for the same breaks, telling each other about our own struggles, our difficulty coping, our complaints about co-workers and patient workload. And then we started liking the same persons and disliking the mean ones. And then we started having our girly dates wherein we would binge out and eat and indulge and windowshop and talk endlessly.

This next one, makes me feel ambivalent. 2 of my friends from college are here as well and we've been seeing each other more often recently. It is actually quite securing to know that I am with people whom I already know..that it's just a matter of developing the friendship deeper. We have planned to go shopping in Australia and buy LVs. And then suddenly it hit me straight and hard. These are the plans and promises I made with Paula and Lea. And i felt really terrible inside. It was like betraying myself because I knew in my heart that i wanted to do these things with these 2 tried and tested friends of mine. But I also reminded myself that it is not feasible at the moment and the more i felt like crying.

I miss my trios a lot. I miss being secured between 2 close friends of mine without a care in the world. I miss the secrets, the jokes, the advices, the late nights, the loyalty, the certainty, the genuine friendship. And now, I really feel like letting out a good cry.

overhaul myself

i have a feeling that i need to start my year right. try to move on from the failures, struggles, embarassment, loneliness and all the misery of last year. and move forward to another year of hope, goodness, blessings and love...make that lotsa love! :)

1. Do everything in moderation. and that goes with everything particularly with spending and eating. i have sorta indulged myself with food and so much shopping the past year that i wanna cut it down. and start some serious saving. My bank account is tired seating on too many zeros. hahaha and i forgot about the eating part. yeah, i don't usually talk about my eating habits or my weight this openly but i wana start living healthily. i don't really have a target weight. Just eat more healthy foods, cut out the sweets (cakes, ice creams, cookies, pastries) and carbs (buh-bye pizza, rice, breads) and get that 5 fruit and vegetable servings a day. i know it will do me good. and the effect is always cumulative.

2. Be kinder to those who are nice and bitchier if the need arises. okay, that was too harsh and stern. but it does mean that i need to be more assertive because i am really a very passive, go-with-the-flow type of person for i dunno how long. And it hurts to be this type of person: to not have the gutts to take a stand and speak up to get what is righfully yours. that's why i know i have to work on this. and i know that change is hard and not always easy to embrace but as they say, no pain no gain.


3. Learn to let go. when i was i high school, i memorized a prayer which goes:

Let Go and Let God
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched it back again and cried, "how can you be so slow?!?"
"My child," He said "what can I do, you never did let go."

I am a lover of the past. I think i got it from my mom. I dwell on the past and nurse both the highs and lows of what happened to me. That's just me. And at times, it is no good clinging to the past a lot. It makes me bitter and pathetic. It is good to look back once in a while and learn from my mistakes but to practically live in it, it is not healthy. And the damage it is doing to my relationships is wrecking. I don't want broken relationships all my life. I don't wanna be left alone either. So I say, i really need to move on.

4. Dig in some patience and understanding that I could share with everyone else. And hold that judgement. yeah, i am pretty judgemental and usually work on preconceived notions about persons and that limits my circle. so yeah, i need to keep an eye on this too.


5. Mend my relationships. applicable to all: the love-hate realtionship i share with my dad, the tarnished relationship i have with my boyfriend's mom, the recovering and so far, still intact relationship I have with my boyfriend, that of which will fall apart if i continue to act as childish and self centered as how i usually am. And of course, the taken-for-granted relationship I have with my Life Director up above, which is the worst I can do and the only one I will regret breaking if it does break down. That last one, I really need to focus on.


so that's it. my birthday resolutions that i could hopefully keep up with. :)

my 23 years old firsts

Being 23 was a whole new world for me. I was suddenly independent and self-reliant. Weekends have become days for doing the laundry and going to market. Without any warning, I was living each day on my own. It was hard at first but eventually, things got relatively easier. I'm turning 24 in a week and looking back, i had a few firsts during my 23rd year. I'd like to share.


1. My first out of Auckland trip. My boyfriend, friends and I went to Whangarei, a city 2.5 hours north of Auckland Central. At last, nakapasyal din ako! :)

2. My first snow experience. it's winter in new zealand at the moment but it's not really snowing in the city, where i stay. so my friends and i went to mt. ruapehu where it there was snow. it wasn't that chilly as what i expected. it was a normal fine day and it actually became hot at some point so had to remove my jacket.

3. My first car. My boyfriend and i bought it so he is a co-owner but we both decided to put it under my name. It;s not a flash one. It's a 2nd hand 99 toyota camry. And as far as i could remember i've been wanting to have a camry and a crv. so next time nalang yung crv, camry muna. :)

4. My first ward presentation. I was sent to a seminar about pressure area cares wherein I met different nurses from different hospitals around new zealand. I was asked to do a ward presentation/teaching session about what I attended so that my co-workers could aslo learn from it. It was half an hour long, no body got bored and i received very good feedback! yay! :)

5. My first ring from my boyfriend of 7 years. He bought it for me last December. It isn't an engagement ring or anything but I suppose as any ring would signify, it is a sign of commitment. And that I am already taken! :)

6. My first fine dining dinner date with my boyfriend at Orbit restaurant which is above the world famous skytower. It was for our 6th year anniversary last August 2008.

So there, not much, but those are my firsts the whole year I was 23. Looking forward to more this coming year. :)

sent

i lost a patient at work. it was sudden. i really felt so low and so down that i asked for a 5 minute break from my team coordinator away from the floor so i could cry by myself in a cold and quiet place that is our staff locker room, where my own breathing echoes against the walls. i wanted to talk to someone because the remaining 3 hours i have left to work on the floor seemed like forever. the sadness is weighing me down. i had you on my mind first, but i couldn't reach you. and the image of your battery-empty phone sitting on the computer desk crossed my mind. deep sigh. this is one significantly low point for me and i couldn't let it all out because the person i chose to share it with is, yes, just a 20 minute walk away from me but could not be reached. i had to comfort myself and brush off a creeping thought in my mind that maybe, i can't really rely on anyone else. it felt so lonely. but i thought, you are here, with me. and you should know that you are my bestfriend too and that it is not too much for me to expect for you to be there for me. i needed you 3 hours ago because i knew you would say the words i'd like to and have to hear, the words that will get me up on my feet again, the words that will tell me that 3 hours isn't that far and that i can make it through the day. but there was no one at the other end of the line.

this is what i am saying. the little things count. when i told you na gusto ko magpaligaw ulit, i meant it. because i wanted to remember again and again what is it that made me love you in the 1st place. those sweet text messages, those surprises, those candid ways of yours that make me laugh so hard, those times when you always had in mind what i liked most. i miss your presence a lot. those little things that maybe too tiny for you to notice, those things matter. being there for eachother is much more than living together and seeing each other everyday. i am not blaming you. i love you so much that it upsets me.

so that ring, don't buy it if you're not ready to make those little things count. i will forget that ring-choosing-incident with your family hovering around us, that happened on saturday afternoon never occured. it's not how i imagined it to be. i want to get a ring from you when i know you are ready to put both your feet in for me, to always be there not just to be present, to make those little changes and to really "engage yourself to me." this is your time to finally show me and to promise me what you regret doing in the past and what you're looking forward to in the future you are offering me. so don't blow it. don't let that go.


i'll be out today, be back at around 10. will drive around. couldn't text you my whereabouts because your phone is here.
i hope next time, you'll be there.

i felt it wasn't time

we were running some errands yesterday. and the next minute, we found ourselves in a jewelry shop choosing an engagement ring for me with his family hovering around us. it was an awkward situation as i felt they were pushing him to get me a ring. i myself found it rather embarassing as i pictured this scenario very differently. the eager saleslady adding to the pressure and the hype wasn't helping at all. it was like what everyone else wanted, except us...so we stepped aside for a minute and he asked me if i really want that ring. i actually do love the ring. it was perfect when i saw it! white gold, princess cut 18 carat diamond...it's everything a girl could ever wish for. so i timidly said yes, but deep inside feeling awful because i somehow felt it wasn't right. we walked back up to the counter, chose more from the array of rings infront of us and started comparing the pros and cons of the other pieces of sparkling diamonds. his family soon vanished in the background and i told him that we should do it some other time.

moments ago i told him, "it's your decision whether you want to buy the ring or not. and if you think you want to buy me that ring, hold on to it and give it to me when you feel that you are ready to settle down, without pressure from others. it's your chance to show me what you'll be promising me and what you'll be doing for me for a lifetime so don't blow it. don't waste your chance." and he nodded and kissed me lightly.

tight and tough competition

biyenan - n. the mother of ones husband (or wife)
- v. breaking marriages; burning bridges; competing with time, resources, clothes, educational background, salary, work, etc.; likes to get in the way of your plans, decisions, etc., proving you are not good enough for her son; ruining your life in general
- adj. jealous, competitive, boastful, superior (or so she feels), attention seeker, always in denial, unabble to accept the present situation (i.e. her son is no longer hers)
- syn. nightmare, the 'other' woman, home wrecker

technically, we aren't related yet. however, due to certain circumstances, I am forced into an unfortunate situation wherein I have to deal with her and suffer like I'm being punished for something I did. It's just not fair. And yes, I'm whining.

It happened to my mom and I witnessed it, almost experienced it as she was going through the agony of her relationship with her mother-in-law. I am really scared that it is happening to me. NOW. Shit!

The truth is, mothers-in-law, they are the 'other' woman, the one who is hungry for attention and who demands more from our husbands and partners than we do. And in the end, when we have reached our "that's it" moment and let our men choose, some of them sadly pick their mothers. As if they are the ones they have sex with everynight, the ones who will bring their children into this world, the ones who tire themselves sorting the house, the bills, the children and the family, the one who will help him raise his children carrying his surname. Sigh.

I hope there is an easier way of dealing with them. Of making them understand that we are not a threat; that the moment we agreed to marry their sons, we start to become part of the family.

I also wish that he will understand and in the end, will choose me. It might sound like a tough call. But really, it shouldn't be hard because the moment he chose to stay with me, he should have understood that he already picked me.

i am safe in my own bubble

i am not loud.
i am particular with my own space.
i value time alone.
i hate it when people cross the line.

but i am one passive person. and that's where the conflict arises.

a weekend-er

the weekend has been full of emotional ups and downs. it's weird how so many things happen in just 3 days.

yesterday, we found ourselves sorting songs from never ending folders and folders from a hard drive. and oh my! the songs dated from way back (like when I was in high school). and even if i wasn't planning or not even in the mood to remember the awkward highcshool moments, the long overnight phone calls (like we weren't seeing each other the next day), the messages we kept on passing written on pieces of paper which, makes all the "messengers" (i.e. whoever had the unfortunate role of passing the paper to another person until it reaches me or one of my friends), and those lunch breaks we spent while one is whining, one is cramming, one is eyeing her crush, one is smiling while texting and other one making weird food combinations from what seems edible in the caf. those were just the tiniest details i could gather from my mind at this point but believe me when I say that there's SO MUCH MORE. And sometimes, a lot of times actually, highschool is like vegas. Everything that happened there, stays there. :)

and then came the college days. the time when i was so busy holding on to highschool stuff, highschool friends, highschool everything that i began to feel i am not even present while my everday life is unfolding in college. so is tarted to let everything go and move forward. and here, i met several insanely good and loyal friends! that i seriosuly can't get enough of. They condoned my cutting classes at times, making sure i am still updated and ready for the next class. They are the ones who knew when i needed a spare 1/2 lengthwise for a quiz because i don't even have a single piece of it in my bag (or just too late to grab one because the professor's dictation is already in number 3. dman it! missed out on the 1st two.) These college friends of mine proved to me that dreams are made to come true. and together we worked on our licences.

***

2 days ago, I decided upon myself that i wanted to move to Canada. well, not really wanted as if i was given a better choice, i'd rather be back home still. But my point is, I was thinking on moving to another place again. So i told him about it. And he was stoic, emotionless, cold, dismissive. He said it was my decision and that i should think about it but he'd understand if i'd wanted to go.

sigh.

i didn't hear what i wanted to...from him. he didn't say what i needed to hear.

and then i started feeling all warm and i felt my face was turning red. and then the 1st teardrop came. i kissed him soft and long and i looked at him straight in the eye and asked him if he really wanted me to leave. and he faced me, curled like a child on bed and said, "i want to be selfish. ayokong umalis ka. masaya na ako na nandito tayo. nakikita ko na yung mgaiging buhay natin dito, yung magiging pamilya natin dito..." and he shooked his head like a child caught lying and finally admitted to the truth. and i cried some more. it's finish. and then he blurted out, "Wag mo akong iwanan" and we settled in a tight embrace. and that, that sealed the day.

I was almost motionless, my heart is satisfied. I feel renewed in a sense, my mind clearing up, feeling that i'm ready that in the coming days, i can make new plans for myself and for us.

when my life gets really boring

Arriving home from a busy night shift, i had bacon quiche, one pancake and half a glass of apple juice. After which, i crawled into bed, my tummy juggling as I reach for the covers. I was asleep before I knew it. And because I didn't have a lot of night shifts, my body clock said it was time to get up at 1:00 pm. Damn it! My head ached as I peered to check my clock, which is strategically placed as far from my bed as possible so i won't hear the tick-tacking. Yes, it was past lunch. I got up and realized there's no decent thing to eat aside from 1 pc of cold pancake, a half-eaten caramel slice and 1 Mars bar. Thinking of all the sugary content of all those made me sick. I found cold sinigang from last night as well, still on the table (it's covered though), and exactly how i left it before i went to work last night. And honestly, I am not in the mood to eat leftovers today. So i munched on the caramel slice as i get sicker one bite after the other.

I've been sitting infront of the computer for 4 1/2 hours straight now and i still don't wanna getup, praying that the piece of pastry i had will suffice for my daily dose of vitamins and minerals.

sigh.

i miss my mom. i miss her cooking, her warmth, her company. the silence in my flat is deafening. well except for the washing machine which is running at the moment and the sound of these keyboard keys as i type. the day has passed. it's winter here so at 5 o'clock it's already dark. i am alone and hungry and bored on a winter day and it feels terrible. my back continues to ache from stooping too long.

plus, i have my period. Which really sucks with all the laziness, the cramps and the low mood.

i have all the right to whine. just for today.

and maybe for tomorrow too.

and hopefully, i'll be fine after.

it really gave me the quivers

i am at work. it's not so busy today. not much bells going, which is rare but very good.

during my break, i called my mom just to catch up with her as i wasn't able to speak with her for a couple of days. she had all these happy stories about what happened over the weekend until she told me that one thing that just freaked me out.

*** our homehelp, whose name is jen-jen usually gives mama a good massage in the morning and that's what happened one bright, sunny day this week. i dunno which province jen-jen is from but y'know how our culture is rich in stuff like folklore, withcraft or some other dimension, gutfeel or sixth sense. she said (pertaining to my mom), "ate, ang bait bait mo. maswerte ang mga anak mo sa'yo. naku, kung ako lang ang may ganyan kabait na nanay..." well, for this statement, she is absolutely right. my mom is one of a kind! i mean really, she's not only a mom to me but my very bestfriend. she cooks well, she is a homemaker, no vices, not high maintainance but very beautiful inside out. She is trustworthy, very brave, ambitious and optimistic. Her faith keeps her going and she is my best example of grace, tact, wisdom and beauty.

And then she followed, " ate, nakikita ko na nahihirapan ka na. marunong ka lang magdala ng problema." She said it like some kind of psychic reading into what happens inside our family. and the final blow came, "ate, sa tingin ko malapit ka na." Shit! Shit! F*cknsh*t!!! I was speechless. It was creepy! My mom said she had the quivers (i did too) but she didn't freak out, instead the graceful and tactful lady that she is, she waited and listened to what jen-jen has to say. She dismissed the topic, carried on like any normal day and put it at the back of her mind. and now she is telling me. she is telling me, her only daughter! Her freaked out only daughter, her bestfriend in the whole world, who is 13 hours of airplane ride away from her! i couldn't do anything but think and later on, yes, i cried. I felt like to. And there's nothing much I can do in a situation like this, anyway. My mom said, the past few days she has been dreaming of my late grandmother (her mom) and something like having someone in the family die. That's not a good thing. Really. And i whispered, "God, please let it not be my mom. Not now."

It's hard to hear news like that. It bugs me and doesn't help. Anybody out there probably loves their mom the best in the whole world and i do too! and right now, i just want to pack my bags, get into the next available flight, go home and sleep beside her.

alpha

It's redeeming.
to be blogging again.
to not care about grammatical errors and misplaced punctuation marks.
to miss out on capital letters and indenting first words.
to just write. and type. any idea that comes to your mind.

***

Yesterday, i felt my usual self. The one who is obsessed about being in control and is freaked out by people crossing her personal space. And suddenly, i just bursted out crying and crying until i felt like it wasn't gonna stop. It was the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability surfacing. I was no longer the control freak that I was. And after he hugged me real tight, i stopped. I composed myself. I felt safe.

What just happened will surely recur in the coming Sundays again. So i thought, he better be ready.

***

This is the start.
Of something I can hopefully keep up with.
Something that will help me ease my headache or some stress induced gastric upset.
Or something to accompany when he gets tired of dealing with my outbursts, going on in a vicious cycle.

I feel really good writing again. :)