Ang Huling Dagok (sana) ng 2010

May pahabol pa ang 2010 sa akin.

'Sus ko!

Bakit ang lungkot ng Pasko?

Reposting (With emphasis on what I want to get off my chest)

You will never fully experience every fiber of a woman’s being until you blanket her with the security of your love. This is not found by sharing your bills or your bed. You will find it when you commit your life to her in marriage.

Does marriage really matter that much though Dad?

Yes! Marriage eases her mind in a way, living with her never will. Without it, she will always hold something back. She will always doubt. She will always wonder (and may not ask you) why she isn’t good enough…and the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both will be.

But shouldn’t I take my time and make sure she is the right one?

Of course, but not to the detriment of your future with her. No woman wants to feel like no one else better has come along, “ so I guess we should get married”.

If you can’t see yourself with her and your future children eating cotton candy at the beach some day…

If you can’t see yourself waiting on her hand and foot after breast cancer surgery…

If you can’t see yourself wanting to tell her everything first…

If you can’t see your wrinkled hands holding hers…

So, this is my life?

Walking home today carrying a 3kg parcel in humid Auckland after a 3.5 hour study day (paid as 8 hours), is sweet torture. I have been waiting for this parcel since Wednesday last week and it's obviously delayed (dunno who to blame). I am really, really looking forward to getting it today so I claimed it from Building 21 and off I trotted home. A huge smile is plastered across my face.

Somehow, I've come to think: So, this is it? 

I eagerly tore the plastic open. Seeing the presents inside, I immediately looked for one single thing: A Christmas card. That's it. After all the anticipation, that's all I ever want to get: a heart warming message scribbled on a card that is signed with 'Love, Mama' at the bottom. And then all the rest were just a haze to me as I read her letter and started crying.

So, this is what my life will be like? 

Agonizingly anticipating to receive something, opening packages alone, comforting myself as I cry some more on the thought of how cold and incomplete Christmas is. I lined up all the contents of the 3 kilogram parcel on the sofa and I stare in awe and gratitude at how my family continuous to remind me that despite the distance and financial constraints, they do remember me, not only on seasons like this but whole year round.

So, I realize that living overseas means exactly this. That letters matter more than clothes or bags, that photos sent enclosed in cards are a delightful surprise and that the one wish I could make but wouldn't be granted is just being home on Christmas.

I really, really wish I could shout it out loud

Seeing myself sitting alone in my apartment at 10 in the morning in my pyjamas and with hair in disarray, someone might think I don't have a life. But going through this eccentric work hours and trying to get a decent amount of sleep is often a struggle. So the next spare time I have or the moment my head starts feeling all dopey, I quickly climb into bed, lights off, blinds shut, duvet cover over my head and off I drift to the wonderful land of dreams. But that doesn't always happen. That is why even if I am doing night shift tonight and I REALLY need to sleep, I couldn't because my circadian rhythm is all a mess and I hardly know if it's night or day. Plus I just started on this new diet partly because I want to lose weight but more importantly because I have come to the realization that my lifestyle needs an overhaul and that being young is not a passport to NOT get sick (Speaking after receiving my deranged LFTs for no obvious reason, damn it!). Hence, I am into this state wherein my body is forced to adjust to a healthier lifestyle, which translates into my own terms as feeling weaker and deprived. 

This job I am into, what does it really mean? Yes, My job description says:

Meets the needs of patients and their family/whanau using contemporary nursing care, which is safe, appropriate and effective. Such care is based on comprehensive assessment; ensuring continuity, is patient-consumer centered, culturally sensitive and evidence based. Promotes teamwork through working collaboratively with the health care team. Demonstrates quality improvement in work practices. Demonstrates professional accountability and leadership.

But really, WHAT does it mean to "meet the needs", "to demonstrate accountability" and to "ensure patient-centred care"?

2 days in a row I had the most bizarrely interesting encounters with people who, because of (probably) their own indulgence and their (now apparently) wrong choices, have slipped away a teeny-tiny bit from sanity. It may be a fact or an excuse they are trying to put forward to justify their current state of mind.

3rd Morning Shift (defined as yes, the 3rd time I am dragging myself to work after 2 previous days of purely exhausting physical and mental work. Also equates to a shorter patience secondary to fatigue.)

Caring for a 67 year old male, who is living in a resthome has 4 daughters and 3 siblings all in the UK; admitted for Dementia secondary to Alcohol withdrawal. Current smoker; smoked for 50 years; Hasn't smoked in the last 7/7. Past medical history of Depression with self harm.

After breakfast, I approached him asking if he wants to be assisted with hygiene/morning cares. He sarcastically obliged.

Me: Do you want to have a wash or a shower now?
A(for asshole):  squinting at me as if I'm an alien. Well, yeah, ok.
Me: Everything's ready at the basin. Are you alright to do it yourself or do you want me to help you with anything?
A: If you're not busy. sarcasm sensed.
M: Here's your toothbrush, please clean your teeth.
He takes out his dentures (top and bottom) and threw it at the basin.
A: You clean it. Do you know how to use this toothbrush?
No answer from me, just deep breaths.
A: Oh no? Here, you turn it on. You don't have that?

Bloody hell! I wanted to yell at him and slap him really hard. But there is no point having that argument with the patient, my manager says. Bullshit!

Day 4 (Last morning shift. Synonymous to mentally and physically drained but has to go to work just because I'm rostered to do so.)

Caring for a 78 yearold female who came in with a fractured left humerus sustained after a fall. Extensive bruising on left arm, left chest wall and left flank noted. A resthome resident who sneaked out of the resthome to buy herself a bottle of wine because she was unhappy that the resthome staff took away her 2 bottles of vodka. On Alcohol withdrawal scale. Can have Diazepam 5-10 mg and Lorazepam 0.5 mg BD.

Prior to turning her, Oxynorm 5 mg given, Panadol 1 g given. Have explained to her that we (me and HCA) need to turn her and move her up the bed so she can sit upright for breakfast. 1st turn towards me, low and behold! 2 punches came flying to my direction and landed on my chest. I dropped her back on supine and told her off, "You better stop hitting me!"

When do you draw the line? Until when are we paid to understand that they are sick and it's just a part of it? When can you say that this is already a low blow to you, as a person, who despite anything and more than anything for that matter, needs deserves to be treated with respect? Respect being the most basic human virtue.

But somehow, I have put it all together that yes, they might be sick and yes, it is my job to be patient but the truth of the matter is no matter where you go, no matter what people say, there'll always be an implication because of the colour of your skin.

What a load of crap!

***

And this morning, with all the stressful days of work, the gradual onset of lethargy because of my dieting and the hormonal changes that comes with being a woman, I open up my blog and something like this bumps in to me:

You will never fully experience every fiber of a woman’s being until you blanket her with the security of your love. This is not found by sharing your bills or your bed. You will find it when you commit your life to her in marriage.

Does marriage really matter that much though Dad?

Yes! Marriage eases her mind in a way, living with her never will. Without it, she will always hold something back. She will always doubt. She will always wonder (and may not ask you) why she isn’t good enough…and the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both will be.

But shouldn’t I take my time and make sure she is the right one?

Of course, but not to the detriment of your future with her. No woman wants to feel like no one else better has come along, “ so I guess we should get married”.

If you can’t see yourself with her and your future children eating cotton candy at the beach some day…

If you can’t see yourself waiting on her hand and foot after breast cancer surgery…

If you can’t see yourself wanting to tell her everything first…

If you can’t see your wrinkled hands holding hers… 

My thoughts and feelings for the last 3 years suddenly translated into words. Something I wish I could tell him. Or better yet, something I wish he could realize on his own.

What a life.

Currently, My Life's Theme Song

Heavy Sigh

Absence make her heart grow fonder
While I’m conquering the last frontier
Lately I’ve found myself wonderin’ out loud
Wonderin’ what I was doin’ here

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
I can’t offer you the future - I don’t know it myself
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now

Patience make her heart grow stronger
Reassure her she’s where I want to be
Never was the grass ever greener
I’m about ready as I’ll ever be

And one day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
If an expression of love is what you need to believe
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now


I’m all I am
All I am, yeah

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
I can’t offer you the future - I don’t know it myself
All I can offer you is me

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
If an expression of love is what you need to believe
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now


Absence make her heart grow fonder
While I’m conquering the last frontier

How to be Sorry 101

You won't believe how sincerely sorry I am for having blurted out what I did last night. It was wrong, inapprpriate and above all, offensive. Not in an anhedonic kind of way but in the most personal way I could possibly hurt you. And I am truly sorry!

I am, quite frankly, embarassed for how I acted and reacted. I have no excuses to give as the more I keep ranting on about how wrong it is, the more it appears fake. And that's really sad because I am honestly weakened by my lack of insight, trust and confidence in you. It's disgusting! i hate myself for that and more importantly, I really hated the part that I made you feel (or not) unworthy. As if I can't see you efforts and your tireless striving to show me how much you want to undo the past. The thing is, the past is past and there's nothing that can be done to change it. But I want to let you know that I DO appreciate how much you're trying, how much you've changed and how much yoou've proven to me time and again how much you DO love me.

I don't want to blame hormones (though,  really think it plays a role), sappy movies or anybody elese. It's me. And no matter how tough I seem to be about forgiving and forgetting, I know how to own up to my mistakes. So I am humbled by this experience mainly because I am the offender and I didn't mean, in my deepest desires to hurt you at all. I am sad. And pained too.

I DO love you. And on a more serious and equally significant note, I hope you do realize that my continuously believing in you and trusting you and trying to forget about the unruly past means I do care about you and that I am open to the fact that I can trust you fully. I know you can be trusted. We will get there. I know we will.

So now,  want to let you know that I put all my trust in you. Regardless. That's more than I can do but I'll do it, anyway!

To infinity and beyond ;) xoxo

I am working hard for my Happily Ever After

Somehow, you just learn how to forgive, when to keep giving and why you do it even if let's say it doesn't seem to be making any sense at all. Maybe it's my personality, maybe I am raised that way or maybe I was groomed by all these years of responsibility. I dunno. But what I do know is that in my meager but meaningful experiences, I have acquired such patience and tolerance and well, generosity. I guess it's a virtue. And I begin to think, it must be something good.

More often than not, even if I badly want what I want, I can't stomach to be selfish. I feel terrible knowing that I did have my way at the expense of others. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. And that's a huge price to pay. But that's me. I'm not saying that it's good or bad but that's me. And so when I said that the decision should be mutually agreed upon and to both parties' benefit, I meant it even if it actually means sacrifice. Afterall, it's what it's all about. Remember the adage, "Love and love until it hurts. Love until it hurts no more." That's a perfect way to say it.

I have decided to look at the picture from a slightly different angle, which will hopefully give me a better view. There's always two ways to look at things and I choose the one bestowed upon with optimism. There's no way to go on with a decision you've made if you'll keep on whining. Love needs to be celebrated and lived! So that's what I am going to do: to appreciate each day that passes, to celebrate the love between a man and a woman, and to live life with him.

Now, we have a direction. It doesn't do the whole trick but it will get us somewhere. In the meantime. Now, we have a plan; something concrete that we can both look forward to. Now, the future is no longer hiding behind mists and haze. It's a little bit clearer now. And it does look more hopeful. It makes me more hopeful.

I don't want to coerce or even subtly persuade someone. It should come from within. Big steps like this shouldn't be forced upon. It feels more real if it is out of initiative. It's just more genuine.

8 years cannot be thrown away. So in order for this to work, there has to be some degree of give and take. And often times, it is a matter of deciding what weighs more. And because he means more, God knows how willing I am to give some more.

I will wait for that sweet day.
With eagerness.
Anticipating.
With hopes up.

It is ALWAYS, always a decision to stick it out.

The One With Monica's Thunder

Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you don’t know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!

****

I can relate like I'm actually Rachel but not about the getting married part. Well,not now at least. But yeah. Let's just leave it at that.

Thank God for that

God does work in wondrous ways.

Today, going home from work, I actually dreaded to go home because of the awkward silence, the not-knowing-what-to-say ... But she came to me, at one of her lowest points, if not the most. And you never kick a fallen man, that's what my mom always said. so I told myself, this is God's bridge. I put all my fears and apprehensions aside and helped her get up. That's how I crossed the bridge. :) 

My Belief System

I believe


1. that love is a choice
2. in karma
3. that we need to keep friends who are loyal, not just the 'good' ones
4. that trust is earned
5. that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
6. in second, even third chances
7. that we are entitled to 'off' days
8. in doing everything fair and square
9. that sacrifices in the end, have rewards
10. in faith
11. that a lesson is repeated until learned.
12. that respect begets respect
13. in transparency of emotions
14. that humility will bring you places
15. so will obedience
16. that patience is a virtue
17. in a Filipino saying, "kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw."
18. that home is ALWAYS where the heart is
19. that no matter who you are, where you are in your life or what you do, your family will stand by you.
20. in trying despite failing. And rising after falling
21. in boundaries
22. that your principles, values and morals will keep you whole
23. that parenting is a skill and not all parents have that skill
24. that laughter is the BEST medicine
25. that each day is a blessing
26. in God
27. in memories that need to be cherished
28. that our history is what shapes us
29. that everything that we do should be parallel with our own belief system otherwise, we are just betraying ourselves

Sent and awaiting reply

Somehow I thought it's unfair what you said to me one day. And now, I am holding on to that painful statement you said that left me in awe. But not in a good way.



You were always my go-to person. When something great happens, I can't wait to share it with you. When something negative happens, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. And even the mere sharing of childhood dreams, plans waiting to happen, absurd or silly ideas and just plain and simple random thoughts, I'd say I'd still go to you more than any of my friends because you are always present. You were always there. And I appreciate that A LOT because sweety, when you are in a land far, far away and you are unbelievably thriving to survive, even the tiniest gesture of concern and affection matter. And that's what I found in you. You were someone consistent. and you knew me. You actually knew me and you gave a damn to try to know me more, tried to stomach my quirks, tried to laugh at my silliest jokes and tried to listen to my unending litany of hopes and what-ifs. Hand over heart I can say that even among the friends I have at work, I haven't shed my life open that much and that far except to you. Even without a title, we knew we were one of the best friends of each other. I felt that. So despite the distance, I still felt we were together, like closely knitted together. Until the 1st of 2 things happened.



When you uttered those unforgiving things towards not me, but my mom about not buying that house from your friend, I have to say you dropped the bomb. I have always always expected that my friends, close friends at that, will give nothing but utmost respect for my parents and that day on February when I got your letter, I felt devastated. Well, partly for the misunderstanding, partly for what had to happen but mostly because I felt you stood up for someone else, not ME and lastly, because I had to hear (or read) such vague accusations from you without anything grounded.


But I said, "Hey, she's a really really good friend. And Maybe she said that at the peak of her emotions. And what are 9 years of friendship for?" So even if I was silently hurting because of what you directed towards my mom and for myself because I am choosing to stand up for you instead of standing up for my mom, who has stood up for me in every sense of the word, I told myself, maybe it's worth it. So I tried, with all my God-given patience, to put it all behind me and move forward because I find you are more than a friend to me. And in saying that, I don't want you to get crossed off my list.


And then, one day with all my rare enthusiasm and eagerness, I asked you "kamusta? " And you finally said, "Pagod na akong sumagot sa tanong na kamusta." Well, the bomb that you dropped earlier? It exploded in front of my face with all our fond college memories flying all over the place. I began to ask myself a lot of questions, which up until today are unanswered. I am crushed! After 9 years of friendship, I think we've learned a thing or two about being there for each other. But then I heard it from you. And as I mentioned way, way above, there is nothing more painful than to feel more and more alone because the people you want to be by your side, are all away from you. They are nowhere near to be found. Y'know, staying here in this country where I am for 3 years, my heart is still breaking everyday because I refuse to get used to being alone and I resent the fact that I have to be. For how long? I don't have an answer. So what I'm saying is, you are most of what I got. And yet, I heard that from you. It's hard and painful and harsh to hear such words from a friend of nearly a decade. What I'm really saying is: I am hurt with what you said to me and I wanted you to know that.


I would like to believe that as much as you have been a good friend to me, I have been so as well. However, that's not for me to decide, really. I can only say that I am a friend the best way I know how. And among the very few, I suppose (and expect you, somehow too) you know that.



I am writing this for all the years of fun and pains; of previously wondering and now, knowing; of secrets left behind the anonymity of a blinking cursor,and of our dreams and promises waiting to be fulfilled and carefully kept (respectively). I feel I owe myself this release of emotions and I feel I should let you know the truth.

Wherever you are in your life right now, I hope this reaches you well.

I'm just saying

Driving home from work last night, I felt particularly lonely. The air was cool (it's spring!), the road was clear, and the sounds of the past week that's been no-time-to-pee-busy is almost inaudible to me. With a Smile came on my radio as Track number 10 when i turned it on and it completed the scene.

Every day I wonder. I think about my other options, I think of where I am right now, I think of where I'm supposed to be and sometimes, I think of going back home. For good. And then, I am brought back to reality which is harsh but true.

***

This week, I was told off 3 times. I know cause I'm keeping track. And everytime the moment breezes you by, it's as if nothing happened. So you go on all chirpy while I am left in hollow trying to decipher what the heck just happened?

I don't want to spend my days not talking because I am too scared to be told off.
So I have decided.

I am groomed by these

That sounded like a sponsorship introduction like how celebrities thank their sponsors for the products they endorse. But no, that's not what I meant.

Different as people are, I know that every way of life should be respected. I have actually encountered some parenting strategies that seem to be honing children wrongly and much as I'd like to butt in, I'm not in the position to do so, so I keep mum. But yeah, I have proven that parenting is a skill and unfortunately, not all parents have that skill. So, I just wanna share what my parents and elders have thought me, nagging-ly reminded me, almost tirelessly mentioned every time...all through these years.

Hindi kailangan lahat maranasan mo, para malaman mo ang mali sa tama. Kaya kami (parents) nandito para sabihin yun sa'yo. Kaya importanteng nakikinig ka samin. At kaya rin we can all learn from other people's mistake. That's what my mom said and it's beautiful! Up until today,, I adhere to her words because not only are these true but they haunt me! Kiddin', ma. :) She also said that learning from others saves you a great deal of hurt, embarrassment and/or failure. And that is absolutely true! Some might argue that knowing is not the same as feeling or some might say that it's better to experience something first-hand. But I say in reply, "Dude, why make it hard on yourself when there's someone who so selflessly looks out for you and says that smoking is bad for your health, will give you bad skin and will suck your money down the drain."

Lesson learned: Obedience. Not easy to do as it takes lots of submissiveness, trust and honor. A big applaud to anyone who has been obedient to their folks.

Finish your studies. That is from my parents who both swear by the value of education. My mom is in HR so she's into hiring people and she's seen 1st hand how cruel the world is to those who haven't finished their studies or those who did finish but whose grades are mockingly embarrassing to show to anyone. Both my parents believed in the power of good education. And in this age when a bachelor's degree is just enough to get you a meager job, I now fully understand how vital education is not just to keep you up and ahead but to give you a lifetime of self-worth.

Lesson learned: Finish school with good grades.

I-enjoy mo yung pagka-dalaga mo. Mag-travel ka, bilhin mo yung gusto mo habang bata ka - as said by Ninang Joy. And I know she did enjoy it during her days. She traveled to a lot of local places, had lots of stuff, ate out with friends every Friday night and boy, was I jealous looking at her with me big eyes and 6-year old curiosity. Now that I am earning and on my own, I know what she meant.

Lesson learned: LIVE!!!

Pay yourself. Ninang Glen always said, you've worked for it, you deserve to be paid. Put a little amount for yourself. Save for it. And give something back to God. Apart from that, she taught me so much more by her ways about generosity, selflessness and going for your dreams. She is truly an example.

Lesson learned: Reward yourself

By example, papa showed me the importance and great, great rewards of following ones parents and honoring thy father and thy mother.

Lesson learned: 4th commandment

***

Parent: He was off with his friends. I let him go off with that thing. I knew better. I knew better....I should have stopped him.
Dr. Bailey: Kids spin out of control sometimes. They spin out of control. You can't stop them.
Parent: Yes, you can. You can control them. That's your job as a parent to control them.

- Grey's anatomy season 3 episode 2

***

growing old too fast, too young

That's how I think it is.

Everyday, the world is unfolding. The sun rises on the east. I go to work, come home and do some house chores and voila! The day has finished. And another day begins.

There's so much wasted time and energy I spend sitting in front of a computer and daydreaming by myself because most of the time, there's no one to talk to. Unlike home, when the days are stretched, there are a multitude of things that I can occupy my mind with and yet, there's still time at the end of each day. Amazing how time seems to differ in various places.

But really, when you are forced to a corner with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, there's nothing else you can do but dissolve yourself in the moment. You have to find a way to thrive. So even if you are pushed to your limit, you have to bounce back. And I still believe that when you're at the bottom, there's no other way but up.

My Favourites (delayed birthday entry)

salt and pepper squid

roast pork with crsipy balat

wicked wings

crispy noodles for long life

tofu spring roll, chicken feet, prawn toast, congee, taro puff, prawn dumpling

watermelon milk tea, honey lemon tea and pulutan sunstitutes

banoffee pie, new york cheesecake, carrot cake, waffle and cups of coffee

pepperoni and sausage pizza

Because my family is physically absent to celebrate my 25th birthday with me, I thought of going low key with the celebration. And because it is a celebration of me (and only me!), I said I'd go with my favourites and wish they're here to dine, feast and celebrate this milestone with me.

Erik Erikson said

Browsing through the net, I came across one of my favourite topics to read, which is Erikson's Psychosocial Development and then it got me to thinking.

Looking at my intimate relationships right now, would I be on the "intimacy" or "isolation" part of his Psychosocial crisis? I have some wounded, if not broken friendships recently (meaning the last couple of years) and that definitely doesn't fall under healthy intimacy levels. During Fridays when I am all alone for most part of the day, I'd either walk alone strolling by the shops in the city or at home baking some goodies with a DVD popped in the player and I absolutely enjoy it.Or perhaps, I've gotten used to it. I read in a magazine article that it only takes 3 weeks (of consistent doing or not doing) for someone to form a habit. I have been staying home with DVDs as company for the past 3 years hence, the preference to be by myself. I sometimes find it such an effort to sit with someone and try to figure out what I'm gonna say and try to draw the line to where the sharing ends so I'd rather be by myself. Is it that I am pushing people away? Or do I really just love quiet time?

One more thought: now I understand why couples at this stage break up because "we like different things". By saying that I think it means someone is ready to settle down (intimacy) and the other is holding back commitment (isolation). Wow, what a powerful theory this is!

The virtue of the crisis intimacy vs isolation is LOVE and the modality is to be able to find oneself in others. I am not quite sure where I stand but I guess resolving conflicts to form relationships does take both sides for it to work. And though I know how to do it, I dunno where to start because frankly speaking, there is so much solace in being alone and I am really loving it.

Love in the eyes of Dementia

Talking to a severely demented 80-something lady.

Me: So, are you married?
Lady: No. The boy I love died in the war. So I said, the hell with them! I'm not gonna marry someone else.
Me: Why not?
Lady: Because I'd feel guilty for being with someone else.


* Dementia - a degenerative decline in memory and cognitive function, which has various causes. *

Looking at this blog, which hasn't been updated for the past couple of weeks, I feel as though I have a writer's block. When I am somewhere quiet, along with my thoughts, I have a million things that come up in my mind. But the moment I log in to my account, everything vanishes and I suddenly don't know where to start.

Maybe because there's some negativity in me recently that I'd rather not blog about as it will just drag me down.

Anyway, I'd like to think I'm trying to get back on my feet. I am really looking forward that Spring's almost here! So, goodbye to winter flu and coats and boots.

Spring is my favorite season of the year simply because it seems to be bringing new hope, new beginnings. The days are longer, the wind is still cool but the sun is out more often. Not to mention all the flowers that are in bloom and the greens that are greener than ever. :) I've crossed out 1st weekend of September for spring cleaning. It has been sort of a tradition and sort of a ritual like saying buh-bye to a year of broken friendships, dragging pessimism and drawing some lines. And after clearing out my closet of the things that I do not need anymore, things for giving away and some things for keeping, I feel uplifted at the thought that there's another year ahead of me. Another summer at the beaches, another year of hardwork, another autumn and another cold winter. It's a cycle, anyway. But as people say, the night is darker before the break of dawn. So yes, goodbye for now to the long nights of winter and hello to my beginning. :)

25 years ago

Back up

Yes, I'm back up on my feet! And I am baking again. This time it's chewy chocolate thins and I really hope it comes out chewy not like the slice i made last week which was as hard as a board! It's a pretty simple recipe which calls for a lot of mixing which made my arms really sore. hehehe I made some tweaks from the recipe and added dark chocolate chips. :) So when Gelo comes home later, he can snack on some cookies. Yay!

***

I am planning something for my birthday that needed some of my childhood photos. Last night I got my memorabilia box in a serious hope of finding something that can help me with my *birthday special. But to my dismay, I only found a handful of photos which will not suffice. So this afternoon after driving Gelo to work and before doing my chewy cookie attempt, I ransacked my drawers and I found a scrapbook of sort, which apparently was a project when I was in college. Theology, perhaps. And like opening a baul of treasures, there, I found all the photos I was eye-ing to include in my project. Oh what a wonderful feeling! :) It's a similar feeling to waking up early, getting ready to go to school only to find out that classes are suspended. Sheer heaven! :) Oh, I am definitely back on my lakwatsera feet! :)

I should really abandon the pessimism accompanying my fear to turn 25. That's not healthy. I should really welcome my 25th year with a heart full of thanks. :)

Ending the week on this note

I just had a quarter pounder burger, half of a McChicken burger, part of a large fries, 3 pcs chicken nuggets and half of a chocolate sundae. Man, I am THAT tired! I was starving too so I didn't say no to Mcdonald's! hahaha

***

For some reason, I am not looking forward to celebrate my birthday. There. I said it. I don't really know why. But there's this feeling of not anticipating and not wanting to do anything. Walang gana. I am a quarter of a century soon. And I know that it is sort of a milestone and a part of me actually wants to go out and celebrate and mark the year I cross over going to my mid-twenties. (yikes!) But maybe, a part of me is scared. there's the fear to cross that line that says I am paving my way to the thirties and I haven't even saved enough or traveled or accomplished something significant. I don't even have my Master's yet (or any post-grad papers)! So there's the "freaking out feeling" inside me. I am also somehow overwhelmed because of the numerous plans I have in mind that's waiting to happen but I don't know which one to prioritize. I don't know what to do. I am so lost and I don't even have my mom beside me to coach me, to tell me off or to direct me so that I know which way to take.
Why is turning 25 suddenly full of fears? It is suddenly scary to reach this age. Why?

I want to regress and go back to the stage of being asked to do chores and receiving allowance and telling secrets to my mom. Can I come home again?

***

I am really excited about this

your facebook profile photo

I changed my profile photo on Thursday morning. This was taken about 3 years ago at our house. This was the day we bought his 1st pair of Cortez shoes, which are absolutely gorgeous. :)

a photo of yourself a year ago

Taken at Heritage Hotel in Auckland on the morning of our 7th year anniversary. Havin' breakfast buffet! :)

a photo that makes you happy

one thing really makes me happy: it is the sight of a clean and tidy house and inviting interiors that make you wanna have a rest and lie down. oh, what a feeling!

a photo of the last place you went on holiday

At Haka Falls (which can't be seen in the photo) at Taupo. That's me, mama, Seth and Gelo.

a photo of youCollege graduation pic March 2005

a photo that makes you laugh

I let out a smile everytime I see this jump shot because I can still vividly recall the actual feeling of trying to choreograph our moves and simultaneously jump so it can be captured on film. We had to do this several times and this was the 2nd attempt, I think. Looking at the photo, I can still hear the distant laughter. See our faces?

a photo of someone you love

Oh he's my man. My other half (see the semblance?). Mine. Period.

a photo of your favourite band/musician

Who wouldn't love one of the greatest bands who ever rocked the local music scene? The ERASERHEADS meant more than a band I followed. It spelled lots of high school memories, secrets kept among friends and feeling of wanting to be independent. The band was a stage in my past.

a photo of your familyI wanted to post something more recent but I couldn't find any decent ones so I went for this 10-year old family portrait we had taken at the Sulo Hotel in Quezon City during Ate's 18th birthday party.

a photo of you as a baby

I haven't got a scanned baby photo of myself. This is the youngest me I've seen in the photos in my computer. I think I was 3 or 4 years old here. Yes, i am that big for my age. Mama took me to their company outing in Nasugbu, Batangas. Puerto Galera wasn't in the map yet at that time. So Nasugbu was the go-to place. That's me with my mom in a very 80's inspired shot with my bunot-like haircut, terno outfit and red sunglasses. Hahaha

a photo of your favourite film

Oh, the classic. I grew up watching this movie and I think I've seen it more than a dozen times already. "Let's start at the very beginning..A very good place to start..."

a photo of you

In May of 2008 at Alberton in Mt. Albert, Auckland, New Zealand as abay to Maan.

a photo of your bestfriend(s)

Alright, there's 2 here. The photo above is with Eliza. My bestfriend since 3rd grade. We practically went separate ways ehn we went to different schools and transferred to different places each time but somehow, we always know that we are each other's homebase.

This is Aris, my guy bestfriend, whom I met and instantly connected with in college. We were almost like boyfriend and girlfriend that we repel prospective partners for each one because of our chemistry and closeness. Gosh, I miss this man. :)

a photo of one of your favourite family members

this has got to be 2. It's mama and Seth. I am very very close to both of them. Being the eldest and only girl and with not much age difference with my mom, we are like barkadas. We share everything from bags, makeups, accessories, jewelries and the list goes on. Unfortunately, we don't have the same shoe size. hehehe Otherwise, we probably would have ransacked each other's closet. I'll talk more about her on the photo below. Seth comes next. I was 11 turning 12 when he was born so I practically did everything for him. Washed and ironed his lampin, fed him, bathe him, woke up in the middle of the night (during weekends) to mix him his formula milk, brought him to his pedia for immunizations and well-baby check ups, prepared his baon and so on and so forth. So yeah, I am like his 2nd mom. I am the spoiler. The true mom is the disciplinarian. hehehe

a photo of you and someone you love

My mom. I would never trade her for anything in the world. God, she's the best! Not only the best mom to us but comparing her to other moms, she really is someone. :) I love her to bits! I am lucky if I get to be half the mom she is for us.

a photo of you at the last party you went to

We tried to surprise Seth for his 13th birthday since he wouldn't be celebrating it with us (me and Gelo) here in New Zealand. So We went to his favorite asian restaurant, Momotea and we had milk teas, and noodles for long life. Simple yet very very memorable.

a drunk photo of youThat's not really drunk. That's annoyed because someone keeps on taking my picture and my eyes are getting blurry with the flash. Or maybe, yes, I was getting drunk at that stage. Ah, good times.

a photo of one of your classes

Sophomore year in high school with my little group in class. Later on though, we didn't quite make is as one whole barkada. Some left and merged with other friends. But Krit, Carmina, Lyza, Joy and me decided to stick it out...until now. :)

a photo of you on a school trip

On our way to an outreach event in Pampanga. We were in junior high, I think and we were goofing around in the jeepney because at that time, anything that means "out of school trip" is equivalent to fun, fun fun! :) Krit with the distorted face, Jaja and Lyza are with me in the photo.

a photo of something you enjoy doing

I was supposed to look for a photo where I am reading or writing. But these days, there's one single thing that makes me really happy, packing my stuff and going home to my family.


***

So, that's my world in photos. A little glimpse of my childhood, my family, my past.