Ang Huling Dagok (sana) ng 2010

May pahabol pa ang 2010 sa akin.

'Sus ko!

Bakit ang lungkot ng Pasko?

So, this is my life?

Walking home today carrying a 3kg parcel in humid Auckland after a 3.5 hour study day (paid as 8 hours), is sweet torture. I have been waiting for this parcel since Wednesday last week and it's obviously delayed (dunno who to blame). I am really, really looking forward to getting it today so I claimed it from Building 21 and off I trotted home. A huge smile is plastered across my face.

Somehow, I've come to think: So, this is it? 

I eagerly tore the plastic open. Seeing the presents inside, I immediately looked for one single thing: A Christmas card. That's it. After all the anticipation, that's all I ever want to get: a heart warming message scribbled on a card that is signed with 'Love, Mama' at the bottom. And then all the rest were just a haze to me as I read her letter and started crying.

So, this is what my life will be like? 

Agonizingly anticipating to receive something, opening packages alone, comforting myself as I cry some more on the thought of how cold and incomplete Christmas is. I lined up all the contents of the 3 kilogram parcel on the sofa and I stare in awe and gratitude at how my family continuous to remind me that despite the distance and financial constraints, they do remember me, not only on seasons like this but whole year round.

So, I realize that living overseas means exactly this. That letters matter more than clothes or bags, that photos sent enclosed in cards are a delightful surprise and that the one wish I could make but wouldn't be granted is just being home on Christmas.

I'm just saying

Driving home from work last night, I felt particularly lonely. The air was cool (it's spring!), the road was clear, and the sounds of the past week that's been no-time-to-pee-busy is almost inaudible to me. With a Smile came on my radio as Track number 10 when i turned it on and it completed the scene.

Every day I wonder. I think about my other options, I think of where I am right now, I think of where I'm supposed to be and sometimes, I think of going back home. For good. And then, I am brought back to reality which is harsh but true.

***

This week, I was told off 3 times. I know cause I'm keeping track. And everytime the moment breezes you by, it's as if nothing happened. So you go on all chirpy while I am left in hollow trying to decipher what the heck just happened?

I don't want to spend my days not talking because I am too scared to be told off.
So I have decided.

Hopeful, Still.

The weekend was mostly about house chores just like any other week. And just like any other week, I was looking forward to the weekend because I know that I can wake up a little bit later than usual and that I can get out of the apartment and go somewhere even if that somewhere is just the Asian supermarket and the grocery. Still weekends give me a sense of relief that no other day in the week could do. But this weekend, I missed getting my eyebrows done. Instead, I met up with a college classmate who just arrived here a month ago. She needed transpo to shift all her stuff to a new place so I offered to help. And before I knew it, the threading place is already close so I'm off to another week of untidy eyebrows. I am working only 4 days this week because last week, I dragged myself to work for 6 days. And yes, I made it!!!

On Saturday, we went to Frasers in Mt. Eden to keep talking about our lives and dreams. I was so overwhelmed with all the things that are happening around me and all the plans waiting to be fulfilled. It felt so heavy in my chest that I needed to let it out somehow. My family's plans, our plans, his plans which in turn are affecting my plans---i felt like I am drowning. And then I went into some sort of realization-state about myself. So really, I spent the weekend doing lots of thinking.

At Church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry because I felt nobody else listened to me. I felt that people around me were hearing what I am saying but they weren't listening to what I really wanna say. So I just cried because crying means so many things for me. I felt silly crying at a public place but sometimes when you couldn't contain it any longer, you just give in. And that's what happened to me.

Today, I went home to neatly-cut, huge chunks of pumpkin waiting to be cooked. My back is still a little sore from all the lifting and hoisting at work. But I gotta do what I gotta do. So after an early dinner, I cooked tomorrow's dish so that Gelo can just heat it up before he goes to work. I am actually a little bit sleepy now but I'm still waiting for the squash to soften and the sauce to thicken before I steal a few hours of Zzzzz's under the covers.

Let the Photos Speak Once More

travelling from one time zone to another, yummy meals when the company is as good as the food, driving everywhere, grocery shopping, hearty breakfast, well-executed and equally fun jump shots, reading greeting cards and being teary-eyed, outdoor fun, paintings, magnificent lake view, conquering our fears and actually enjoying it, facebook-ing til late night, celebrating a milestone together (one of the highlights), early mornings by the harbour, full closet and crowded room which I really like, doing house chores together, packing stuff, sweet kisses...

Let the Photos Speak

lots of sleeping knowing i will be waking up with my family around me, food-tasting, family out-of-towns, family portraits, dinner with high school friends who are now bringing babies to reunions, drinks over videoke with college friends, laughing boisterously like I was in high school and doesn't really have a care in the world, papa driving me off to places, photographs and frames in the living room.

I know I said

...that I'll try to be more positive hence, changing this blog into a more colourful, bright page. But when my mom and brother left last Saturday, things have been pretty rough for me. It seems like the days are going so slow. It is so cold and I feel so well, alone. I am literally dragging myself to work and for some reason, I am losing some human desire and anticipation for food. It feels so different. It made me feel so away from my family. Quoting my 1st letter to mama, which I wrote the minute I came home from the airport:

Dear mama,

The house is very empty and it feels strange. Suddenly it is so cold and quiet. I can hear the clock tick-tocking again. I didn't hear that in the last 3 weeks. I went home to an empty space, mama. With Seth's leftover shrimp and feta pasta on the table, used glasses and some utensils that needs washing. I can't believe that just moments ago, this place was noisy and crowded and lively. But it also feels like you two are everywhere. You are in the bathroom when I saw the nightie that you wore last night hanging on the bar. I am wearing it now. You are in the mesh room when I saw your white shirt on the knob of the closet door. You are in the terrace with all your bouquets of flowers from your arrival, mother's day and your 50th birthday. You are in the kitchen when I saw the pan you used to cook me the pasta dish you did this morning. You are in the bedroom because when I close my eyes, I can still see your face and i try to imagine your arm is wrapped around my waist. Seth's laughter is echoing in the hallway, even in the parking lot as I was parking towards the wall, I can almost hear him say, "Ate, sige, hindi ka pa mababangga." His jokes are continuously playing in my head and several times today, I let out small laughters when I remembered his anecdotes.

I've waited so long for this break to come. For how many months, I was talking myself to coming to work as I count each day passing. I told myself that one day, we will be walking on the same floor and bumping each other on the narrow hallway. I have waited for the day that I will wake up seeing you around and going to bed knowing you are just beside me. I felt so special, mama. While you were ironing my clothes, I felt like a kid again. I have never ironed my clothes or blankets or tea towels since I came here. And when I saw you ironing my stuff, I felt pampered. :) I felt like waking up everyday because I want to sit and have breakfast with you. It is so different without you around. It is so lonely. I am scared all of a sudden when I realized that I will be going back to work on Monday and start counting the days again until the next time we will meet.

yes, it is very painful. ANd it's never easy to be by yourself.

Soul-Searching

Yes, yes, yes. I am going home on April.

I had doubts initially because I might not have enough money for the trip thinking that we are saving for our wedding. But I thought, I owe myself this. I need this trip and I need to be alone for a while. Away from his family and his mom. And more time with MY family.

I can't wait! :)

Yuletide thoughts

i was up early today and i couldn't go back to sleep. Today's my friday and i'll be off from work for 3 days which is quite a rest for me, only not. This coming Christmas day and the weekend will be a handful for me. There's the midnight mass, the noche buena, the exchanging of presents, the beach tambay and whatnots. So there's really no rest day, so to speak.

***

the past week, i spent too much! maybe i was trying to compensate for the sadness i am feeling this season. WHenever I see anything i want, i just think to myself, my family's not here, no one to celebrate with, no presents to open, i cook my own noche buena so i think i deserve a little something. and because of this pep-talk, i have exceeded my budget, and next payday will be next week pa! i am serious trouble...i might even have to fiddle with my savings, if the need arises. that is not good.

***

i bought a new planner. and i saw one of my unused notebooks so i thought it could pass as a journal. and yes, i have started writing and i promised i'll keep up with it. everything doesn't have to be blogged so i am going back to old-school journal with gel pens. :)

***

i miss Christmas sa pinas! No Christmas carols, no traffic, no shopping rush, no Christmas spirit...and it feels so lonely. sigh. I miss everything about Philippines! lalo na my family.

Two Sides of a Story

looking at this blog, for a while i thought i had already abandoned it. typing the 1st few words of this entry made me feel silly because i don't know where to begin. it has been so-so number of days, i think a month, even. and it seems odd to start writing an entry in the middle of the night (now) and in the middle of the month (now, too). sigh.

quarter life crisis --- I've heard of it several times that the term actually sounds cool to use. at first, i didn't believe that someone at the prime of his/her life, at the pink of health and with all the zest of youthfulness overflowing, is capable of going through the quarter life crisis. And then it donned on me.

***

At this age, it's really hard to believe and accept that my parents have stopped loving each other. I mean, I am 24 for Chrissake! I have gone through the raging hormones of puberty, my own version of juvenile delinquency and finally taming myself down as the prodigal daughter but i have never, ever imagined that my family love story will end at this age. It is so intensely painful to see that the 1st love stroy i have ever witnessed and later on, have grown to love is slowly breaking down in front of me. And I am helpless. Suddenly, I am naive about all these things. We are not a perfect or ideal family. We have our share of heartaches, screaming matches and all interesting bits of family issues but I just realized that knowing that it's not gonna work and actually hearing your parents wanting their marriage dissolution-ed is totally different and it has elicited a myriad of emotions and confusion from me. For a while, my brain stopped working and it was trying to prioritize what i should feel first because when you get news like this and your opinion isn't asked, you aren't left with anything else but to take a deep breath, gulp down the intensity of the decision that is meant to change your life drastically and flash your life before your eyes and think that as the 1st born, where did everything go wrong? I believe at this point, it's a question that will never be answered. It is so hard to be part of something whole and then suddenly not become a part of the "wholeness" anymore. It is the standing on neutral ground that is overwhelming because half of me is her and half of me is him and I wouldn't want anyone of them to feel hurt or betrayed if I sided with someone. It is the forced responsibility on me to look after my 2 brothers and make sure they not only understand but more so that they'll believe that they have done nothing wrong and we are all victims in this crazy episode of our life. It is difficult to decipher the "even if we aren't together anymore, we still love you" statement. From the moment I heard that, I knew everything won't be the same anymore.

In Psychology of family dynamics, they say that the 1st born is for the father. The 2nd born is always for the mother. And the third is for the family. I think both of them overlooked my youngest brother who is unbelievably thriving in this confusing and misleading situation to keep the family whole.

It's not easy to write about those things but I had to, or i'll go crazy.


***

Yes, I am out of the country. Yes, I am with my boyfriend of 7 years who is enthusiastically dreaming about our future together with our two kids. Yes, I am earning more than most of the people i know. Yes, I have the financial freedom to buy anything I crave for or anything I want to have. Yes, I am employed in the biggest hospital in this country. Yes, I have my own car at 23 years old, I have my own apartment in the heart of the city in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Yes, I am living the single and independent life. But underneath all of these things, I really want to know: am I genuinely happy? In my 2-year life living apart from my family and friends, I realized one greatest thing that I have heard all my life but never really understood it's meaning: Money can't buy happiness, specially the ones you only experience with your family and true friends.
And what's the setback for me of all these? I am taking sleeping tablets as I am too anxious and unable to sleep at night. I am dealing with my boyfriend's mom and her oh-so extraordinary ways of ruining my life. I have no true, tried and tested friend here which makes it doubly hard for me to deal with all my struggles and heartaches. I am apart from my family and that makes my stay here not so worth it and it definitely makes all the difference.

I used to love Christmas. The Yuletide Season is my favorite season because it's when the world stops fighting and you are safe and happy with your family with an abundance of food on yor table and presents under the tree. It's when you get to see relatives you haven't run into for ages. It's when you get text messages and phone calls from friends greeting you a meaningful Christmas and a truly abundant and peaceful New Year. It's a great time of the year! But when you are alone in a foreign land where the people can't even feign excitment for the season and you are miles away from everyone who means the world to you, it certainly makes the Christmas not so merry. Not to mention all the missed birthdays, reunions, mother's days, father's days, and all the other momentous occassions best celebrated when you are with your family.

***

This is my quarter life crisis.

But yeah, I am surviving. I was born and raised to overcome all that come my way. I am a tough shell. I say these things over and over again to get me up on my feet. I know that I will be given the chance to meet up with my friends over coffee while laughing our hearts out about the past that strengthened our ties. Plus I know that one day, I will be together with my family again. And that kicks me in the butt to get me going. Faith, i say...it takes you a long, long way.

My September Issue

In fashion, September is January. Vogue magazine released their heaviest and thickest issue in 2007. But in the real world, things incredibly huge and significant happen in September.


In September 2000, 5 incidents mostly in Asia, one in Greece and in Saudi Arabia, occurred claiming lives of hundreds because of flood waters, epidemic (virus), boat sinking and a couple of bomb explosions.
9/11 of course happened on September 11, 2001
Hurricane Katrina happened September 2005
Tropical Storm Milenyo occurred on September 2006
And just this September, an earthquake and a tsunami hit the Samoa Island, an earthquake claimed lives in Indonesia and the Philippines was hit by the strongest typhoon in 40+ years.

What's with September? I used to like September because it is the first of the 'ber' months, which means that Christmas is just around the corner. But as all these unbelievably horrible things are unfolding, I begin to, not only dislike but dread September. And this year, my family had their share of the September nightmare. In fact, just like an aftershock, everything is still carrying on until now that it is October.

My family was one of the unfortunate victims of typhoon Ondoy. I was talking to my brother on Saturday morning when he said he'd talk to me later because it was starting to pour and ankle-deep water was starting to pool in our house. Even if we live in a relatively low area, we never had water going into our house and so talking to my brother about it made me both curious and worried. I had no idea what will happen next. I rang after 45 minutes and when my brother picked up, he was in a bit of a panic ordering my youngest brother to take what he could to the 2nd floor of the house. That was the last I hear and then the phone line got cut.

The following day, I rang them again and our phone line was "not in service" so I tried ringing my brother and my dad's phone number which are both shut off. So i started to worry. I rang my tita's place and there they were. I was so pleased and relieved to hear their voices and to know that they are safe. And so they told me what happened. They had to lift and shift as much furnitures as they could from the ground floor to the 2nd floor of our house. But they weren't able to save our dining table, our fridge and a more than a couple of big, bulky cabinets. So after they shifted as much of the stuff, they had to leave our house and walk in waist-deep floodwater going to my Tita's place which is quite close to our house and which is a safe place for them to be in as well because they weren't affected by the flood at all. Lucky. So yeah, they had to spend days there without enough food, but fortunately with enough water. It wasn't that grave though compared to the other victims but still, they had their share.

Following this sudden tragedy, I learned just a couple of days back that my dad was rushed to the hospital because of nephrolithiasis and he was in excruciating spasms and pain. He may need surgery. I felt terrible. I wish I was there beside him and nurse him instead of nursing people here whom I'm not related to. I sent as much money as I could because that's the only way I can compensate for my absence. It is very frustrating for me.

And just now as I am typing this entry, I am down with the flu, got no voice, having temperature spikes and miles away from my family.

September is just unbelievable. What else could September bring? Honestly, I don't wanna know because I am not ready to accept any thing worse than these things. I am still recuperating and i am sure my family had enough of it as well.

For me, September is a month of pessimism. I think September is cursed. It gives a whole new light and personal meaning to the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends." Still, Thank you God that September is over. Please give us a better tomorrow than today.

And today is October. Which makes me feel better already.

when my life gets really boring

Arriving home from a busy night shift, i had bacon quiche, one pancake and half a glass of apple juice. After which, i crawled into bed, my tummy juggling as I reach for the covers. I was asleep before I knew it. And because I didn't have a lot of night shifts, my body clock said it was time to get up at 1:00 pm. Damn it! My head ached as I peered to check my clock, which is strategically placed as far from my bed as possible so i won't hear the tick-tacking. Yes, it was past lunch. I got up and realized there's no decent thing to eat aside from 1 pc of cold pancake, a half-eaten caramel slice and 1 Mars bar. Thinking of all the sugary content of all those made me sick. I found cold sinigang from last night as well, still on the table (it's covered though), and exactly how i left it before i went to work last night. And honestly, I am not in the mood to eat leftovers today. So i munched on the caramel slice as i get sicker one bite after the other.

I've been sitting infront of the computer for 4 1/2 hours straight now and i still don't wanna getup, praying that the piece of pastry i had will suffice for my daily dose of vitamins and minerals.

sigh.

i miss my mom. i miss her cooking, her warmth, her company. the silence in my flat is deafening. well except for the washing machine which is running at the moment and the sound of these keyboard keys as i type. the day has passed. it's winter here so at 5 o'clock it's already dark. i am alone and hungry and bored on a winter day and it feels terrible. my back continues to ache from stooping too long.

plus, i have my period. Which really sucks with all the laziness, the cramps and the low mood.

i have all the right to whine. just for today.

and maybe for tomorrow too.

and hopefully, i'll be fine after.