The half a year that's gone but shared in photos

I opted to make a change in lifestly so I did join and finished a marathon

The clear skies at the finish line

Had cocktails in a Mexican restaurant after a hearty Thai dinner (photo below)

Because we craved for chinese food

And I find that cups of tea are more comforting than cocktails

Breakfast buffet to celebrate one of my favourite person's birthday and our common love for breakfast food!

Sushi loading after at Kura

Trip to Wellington where it actually snowed :)

Me turning 26

Someone asked me to marry him and of course I said Yes!

Fancy dress ups with girl friends

Videoke: The Filipino way

Making amends

Keping old ones

Reposting (With emphasis on what I want to get off my chest)

You will never fully experience every fiber of a woman’s being until you blanket her with the security of your love. This is not found by sharing your bills or your bed. You will find it when you commit your life to her in marriage.

Does marriage really matter that much though Dad?

Yes! Marriage eases her mind in a way, living with her never will. Without it, she will always hold something back. She will always doubt. She will always wonder (and may not ask you) why she isn’t good enough…and the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both will be.

But shouldn’t I take my time and make sure she is the right one?

Of course, but not to the detriment of your future with her. No woman wants to feel like no one else better has come along, “ so I guess we should get married”.

If you can’t see yourself with her and your future children eating cotton candy at the beach some day…

If you can’t see yourself waiting on her hand and foot after breast cancer surgery…

If you can’t see yourself wanting to tell her everything first…

If you can’t see your wrinkled hands holding hers…

I really, really wish I could shout it out loud

Seeing myself sitting alone in my apartment at 10 in the morning in my pyjamas and with hair in disarray, someone might think I don't have a life. But going through this eccentric work hours and trying to get a decent amount of sleep is often a struggle. So the next spare time I have or the moment my head starts feeling all dopey, I quickly climb into bed, lights off, blinds shut, duvet cover over my head and off I drift to the wonderful land of dreams. But that doesn't always happen. That is why even if I am doing night shift tonight and I REALLY need to sleep, I couldn't because my circadian rhythm is all a mess and I hardly know if it's night or day. Plus I just started on this new diet partly because I want to lose weight but more importantly because I have come to the realization that my lifestyle needs an overhaul and that being young is not a passport to NOT get sick (Speaking after receiving my deranged LFTs for no obvious reason, damn it!). Hence, I am into this state wherein my body is forced to adjust to a healthier lifestyle, which translates into my own terms as feeling weaker and deprived. 

This job I am into, what does it really mean? Yes, My job description says:

Meets the needs of patients and their family/whanau using contemporary nursing care, which is safe, appropriate and effective. Such care is based on comprehensive assessment; ensuring continuity, is patient-consumer centered, culturally sensitive and evidence based. Promotes teamwork through working collaboratively with the health care team. Demonstrates quality improvement in work practices. Demonstrates professional accountability and leadership.

But really, WHAT does it mean to "meet the needs", "to demonstrate accountability" and to "ensure patient-centred care"?

2 days in a row I had the most bizarrely interesting encounters with people who, because of (probably) their own indulgence and their (now apparently) wrong choices, have slipped away a teeny-tiny bit from sanity. It may be a fact or an excuse they are trying to put forward to justify their current state of mind.

3rd Morning Shift (defined as yes, the 3rd time I am dragging myself to work after 2 previous days of purely exhausting physical and mental work. Also equates to a shorter patience secondary to fatigue.)

Caring for a 67 year old male, who is living in a resthome has 4 daughters and 3 siblings all in the UK; admitted for Dementia secondary to Alcohol withdrawal. Current smoker; smoked for 50 years; Hasn't smoked in the last 7/7. Past medical history of Depression with self harm.

After breakfast, I approached him asking if he wants to be assisted with hygiene/morning cares. He sarcastically obliged.

Me: Do you want to have a wash or a shower now?
A(for asshole):  squinting at me as if I'm an alien. Well, yeah, ok.
Me: Everything's ready at the basin. Are you alright to do it yourself or do you want me to help you with anything?
A: If you're not busy. sarcasm sensed.
M: Here's your toothbrush, please clean your teeth.
He takes out his dentures (top and bottom) and threw it at the basin.
A: You clean it. Do you know how to use this toothbrush?
No answer from me, just deep breaths.
A: Oh no? Here, you turn it on. You don't have that?

Bloody hell! I wanted to yell at him and slap him really hard. But there is no point having that argument with the patient, my manager says. Bullshit!

Day 4 (Last morning shift. Synonymous to mentally and physically drained but has to go to work just because I'm rostered to do so.)

Caring for a 78 yearold female who came in with a fractured left humerus sustained after a fall. Extensive bruising on left arm, left chest wall and left flank noted. A resthome resident who sneaked out of the resthome to buy herself a bottle of wine because she was unhappy that the resthome staff took away her 2 bottles of vodka. On Alcohol withdrawal scale. Can have Diazepam 5-10 mg and Lorazepam 0.5 mg BD.

Prior to turning her, Oxynorm 5 mg given, Panadol 1 g given. Have explained to her that we (me and HCA) need to turn her and move her up the bed so she can sit upright for breakfast. 1st turn towards me, low and behold! 2 punches came flying to my direction and landed on my chest. I dropped her back on supine and told her off, "You better stop hitting me!"

When do you draw the line? Until when are we paid to understand that they are sick and it's just a part of it? When can you say that this is already a low blow to you, as a person, who despite anything and more than anything for that matter, needs deserves to be treated with respect? Respect being the most basic human virtue.

But somehow, I have put it all together that yes, they might be sick and yes, it is my job to be patient but the truth of the matter is no matter where you go, no matter what people say, there'll always be an implication because of the colour of your skin.

What a load of crap!

***

And this morning, with all the stressful days of work, the gradual onset of lethargy because of my dieting and the hormonal changes that comes with being a woman, I open up my blog and something like this bumps in to me:

You will never fully experience every fiber of a woman’s being until you blanket her with the security of your love. This is not found by sharing your bills or your bed. You will find it when you commit your life to her in marriage.

Does marriage really matter that much though Dad?

Yes! Marriage eases her mind in a way, living with her never will. Without it, she will always hold something back. She will always doubt. She will always wonder (and may not ask you) why she isn’t good enough…and the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both will be.

But shouldn’t I take my time and make sure she is the right one?

Of course, but not to the detriment of your future with her. No woman wants to feel like no one else better has come along, “ so I guess we should get married”.

If you can’t see yourself with her and your future children eating cotton candy at the beach some day…

If you can’t see yourself waiting on her hand and foot after breast cancer surgery…

If you can’t see yourself wanting to tell her everything first…

If you can’t see your wrinkled hands holding hers… 

My thoughts and feelings for the last 3 years suddenly translated into words. Something I wish I could tell him. Or better yet, something I wish he could realize on his own.

What a life.

Heavy Sigh

Absence make her heart grow fonder
While I’m conquering the last frontier
Lately I’ve found myself wonderin’ out loud
Wonderin’ what I was doin’ here

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
I can’t offer you the future - I don’t know it myself
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now

Patience make her heart grow stronger
Reassure her she’s where I want to be
Never was the grass ever greener
I’m about ready as I’ll ever be

And one day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
If an expression of love is what you need to believe
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now


I’m all I am
All I am, yeah

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
I can’t offer you the future - I don’t know it myself
All I can offer you is me

One day you’ll understand how much you have me
One day you’ll realise we have it easy
If an expression of love is what you need to believe
All I can offer you is me
I’m all I can offer you right now


Absence make her heart grow fonder
While I’m conquering the last frontier

How to be Sorry 101

You won't believe how sincerely sorry I am for having blurted out what I did last night. It was wrong, inapprpriate and above all, offensive. Not in an anhedonic kind of way but in the most personal way I could possibly hurt you. And I am truly sorry!

I am, quite frankly, embarassed for how I acted and reacted. I have no excuses to give as the more I keep ranting on about how wrong it is, the more it appears fake. And that's really sad because I am honestly weakened by my lack of insight, trust and confidence in you. It's disgusting! i hate myself for that and more importantly, I really hated the part that I made you feel (or not) unworthy. As if I can't see you efforts and your tireless striving to show me how much you want to undo the past. The thing is, the past is past and there's nothing that can be done to change it. But I want to let you know that I DO appreciate how much you're trying, how much you've changed and how much yoou've proven to me time and again how much you DO love me.

I don't want to blame hormones (though,  really think it plays a role), sappy movies or anybody elese. It's me. And no matter how tough I seem to be about forgiving and forgetting, I know how to own up to my mistakes. So I am humbled by this experience mainly because I am the offender and I didn't mean, in my deepest desires to hurt you at all. I am sad. And pained too.

I DO love you. And on a more serious and equally significant note, I hope you do realize that my continuously believing in you and trusting you and trying to forget about the unruly past means I do care about you and that I am open to the fact that I can trust you fully. I know you can be trusted. We will get there. I know we will.

So now,  want to let you know that I put all my trust in you. Regardless. That's more than I can do but I'll do it, anyway!

To infinity and beyond ;) xoxo

I am working hard for my Happily Ever After

Somehow, you just learn how to forgive, when to keep giving and why you do it even if let's say it doesn't seem to be making any sense at all. Maybe it's my personality, maybe I am raised that way or maybe I was groomed by all these years of responsibility. I dunno. But what I do know is that in my meager but meaningful experiences, I have acquired such patience and tolerance and well, generosity. I guess it's a virtue. And I begin to think, it must be something good.

More often than not, even if I badly want what I want, I can't stomach to be selfish. I feel terrible knowing that I did have my way at the expense of others. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. And that's a huge price to pay. But that's me. I'm not saying that it's good or bad but that's me. And so when I said that the decision should be mutually agreed upon and to both parties' benefit, I meant it even if it actually means sacrifice. Afterall, it's what it's all about. Remember the adage, "Love and love until it hurts. Love until it hurts no more." That's a perfect way to say it.

I have decided to look at the picture from a slightly different angle, which will hopefully give me a better view. There's always two ways to look at things and I choose the one bestowed upon with optimism. There's no way to go on with a decision you've made if you'll keep on whining. Love needs to be celebrated and lived! So that's what I am going to do: to appreciate each day that passes, to celebrate the love between a man and a woman, and to live life with him.

Now, we have a direction. It doesn't do the whole trick but it will get us somewhere. In the meantime. Now, we have a plan; something concrete that we can both look forward to. Now, the future is no longer hiding behind mists and haze. It's a little bit clearer now. And it does look more hopeful. It makes me more hopeful.

I don't want to coerce or even subtly persuade someone. It should come from within. Big steps like this shouldn't be forced upon. It feels more real if it is out of initiative. It's just more genuine.

8 years cannot be thrown away. So in order for this to work, there has to be some degree of give and take. And often times, it is a matter of deciding what weighs more. And because he means more, God knows how willing I am to give some more.

I will wait for that sweet day.
With eagerness.
Anticipating.
With hopes up.

It is ALWAYS, always a decision to stick it out.

too much of anything is a really bad thing

too much uncertainty
too many questions that i feel the answers are lost
too much confusion
too much corners to fence you in
too many turns that makes it impossible to run away
too many painful memories
too much to take in

way too much.

it drowns the good.

Things have been bad sometimes. With us. We get mood swings, we fall silent just because and we always have tampo with each other. But that's just how it is, y'know. You feel sick and want some time alone but not time apart FOREVER, just time alone for like 1 day. And that's what it is all about. At the end of the day though, it still feels very comforting coming home and having him beside me.

I love him so much. I really can't stress that enough.

Life is like a fairytale

"Once upon a time..."

Our story started so unconventionally (8 years ago). It was quick and straightforward and not very typical of a fairy tale. But as I was browsing through the different Disney princesses' love stories, I figured, it all starts in a different way. It's not textbook.So, we met each other and fell in love...and we really did fall in love! It's a really great feeling! It's all "raindrops on roses..." and hugs and kisses. It's (almost) perfect!

Of course, a fairytale isn't complete without a villain. I think we all know who is the villain in our story. And I reckon that villains vary. But there's always one thing in common: villains are always older females who are in a position of power or authority and are always jealous and insecure. One more thing I noticed, villains are almost always "family".

They can be sly and watch you from a distance.

They can be cunning and change appearances.

They can even come with alalays.

Or they can be typical: mean, ugly and evil.

I love fairy tales because I know that it is always a happy ending. That the kontrabida always gets defeated, that negativity comes to an end and the good always prevails. It is consoling and reassuring that way.

And of course, because I know that in the end, the prince always comes, to rescue, kiss or break the spell. The prince saves the little princess who has been the victim of all the cruelty of the wicked stepmother. Sometimes, it is nice to be saved; to know that your prince cares for you and stands up for you and to see for yourself that your prince is very brave and will literally sweep you off your feet.

the prince and the princess always lives happily ever after.

Another day

I am pouring out all my energy into cooking and baking. Well that's for 2 reasons: it keeps my mind off my worries (even for just a while) and 2ndly, it gives me a sense of worth and fulfillment after seeing the food I so hard-workingly prepared and the faces (face, for that matter) of those who are having it. Some of them are amazed at how I was able to come up with such good food (modesty aside haha). Some are in awe at the presentation, making the food appear much more enticing to gobble up (thanks to research, cook books and various search engines). Their eyes just light up and smile when they see the home-cooked meals that is so appealing, it's as good as dining out (if not better, cause there's no service charge and you don't have to fight for parking). So yeah, I wanna keep this up.

tortillas, sweet chili chicken pieces, fresh iceberg lettuce, grated cheese, white onion, carrot sticks, garlic mayo, buttered corn kernels and cups of hot home-made mocha (coffee with cocoa, milk and sugar).

***

I've been preparing myself for that one time all out talk with the topics lined up in my memory. And just as I'm waiting for the 'right time' to come, I am hearing words like "i don't know what to do without you" and "I found what course I wanna take" and for some reason, I felt it was real. I felt He was sending me a message and telling me to think some more. After all, it IS 7 years.

Hopeful, Still.

The weekend was mostly about house chores just like any other week. And just like any other week, I was looking forward to the weekend because I know that I can wake up a little bit later than usual and that I can get out of the apartment and go somewhere even if that somewhere is just the Asian supermarket and the grocery. Still weekends give me a sense of relief that no other day in the week could do. But this weekend, I missed getting my eyebrows done. Instead, I met up with a college classmate who just arrived here a month ago. She needed transpo to shift all her stuff to a new place so I offered to help. And before I knew it, the threading place is already close so I'm off to another week of untidy eyebrows. I am working only 4 days this week because last week, I dragged myself to work for 6 days. And yes, I made it!!!

On Saturday, we went to Frasers in Mt. Eden to keep talking about our lives and dreams. I was so overwhelmed with all the things that are happening around me and all the plans waiting to be fulfilled. It felt so heavy in my chest that I needed to let it out somehow. My family's plans, our plans, his plans which in turn are affecting my plans---i felt like I am drowning. And then I went into some sort of realization-state about myself. So really, I spent the weekend doing lots of thinking.

At Church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry because I felt nobody else listened to me. I felt that people around me were hearing what I am saying but they weren't listening to what I really wanna say. So I just cried because crying means so many things for me. I felt silly crying at a public place but sometimes when you couldn't contain it any longer, you just give in. And that's what happened to me.

Today, I went home to neatly-cut, huge chunks of pumpkin waiting to be cooked. My back is still a little sore from all the lifting and hoisting at work. But I gotta do what I gotta do. So after an early dinner, I cooked tomorrow's dish so that Gelo can just heat it up before he goes to work. I am actually a little bit sleepy now but I'm still waiting for the squash to soften and the sauce to thicken before I steal a few hours of Zzzzz's under the covers.

Gusto ko nang magpakasal

...sa kanya

Wednesday Night

I don't know if I am aging too quickly. My life here (in New Zealand and with Gelo) is probably making me more mature.

He was asked to report to work at 8pm today and I'm going to pick him up by 11. So while waiting for pick-up time which is 1 1/2 hours from now, I am chatting with a good friend and trying to keep myself warm. When he gets home later, we will exchange stories of how his day went at work and what I did at home while waiting for him. We will subconsciously but quite securely sink into our routine of story-telling and sharing until one of us decides, to put the lights off.

Doing February in such a rush

I realized I don't have a decent entry this month because I hardly found time to sit down and blog after all the stress (both positive and negative) that's been going on around me. So here's my February in a whim.

My heart's day was full of reds and sweets just like how it should be. 6 Valentine's days ago, we broke up. Yes, on that day when you're supposed to celebrate the gift of love, we decided to end it. So February 14 will always be that day when I suddenly became aware that "Love" really needs to be celebrated. So even during those Valentine's days when I didn't have a special someone to celebrate it with, my family would go out to dinner and be each others' dates. :) For the last 4 Valentine's days, however, he has been trying to undo the ugly memory of that 2nd Valentine's day we spent together (or apart?). But with red roses and white tulips, chocolates, a card and a cake, Valentine's on February 2004 is a faint memory now. After all, love is found in one of the hardest things to do: forgiving someone.

that greeted me when i entered our flat

On our 90th month (yes, we are that long together!), we went to TopGear Live show and had some serious thought about getting a European car in the next 5 years or so.hehehe The parade of high-end vehicles and luxury cars made both of us (including me who is not really a car aficionado) drool and wish we had like $100,000 or more in our bank accounts and go home with a new M3. It was a fun experience being a part of the whole event seeing sportscars everywhere as if its the only vehicle there is on earth. :)


I finalized my plans for this April. I am going home. :) And I can't wait! I purchased my ticket and secured my A/L dates so I am all set to go. Only, there are huge events to take place when I get home that needs lots of planning, coordinating and yes, spending...That last bit, I can't run away from. hehehe Going back, there's my Ate's wedding. She will tie the knot with her boyfriend of 10 years, I think. Good for them! And since hers is the 1st wedding in the family amongst cousins, everybody from overseas will come home to attend. (I am still pondering and slightly regretting that I am going to this wedding instead of coming home next week, just in time for my cousins' (from my father's side, who I haven't seen in 13 years) balikbayan vacation. What a shame!)
There's also the service for my Uncle who succumbed to Brain Ca last September. Since the whole family is around on April, my Ninang decided to do the service over there as for apparent reasons, not everyone can go to North Carolina on September for the babang-luksa. And lastly, there's my mom's advance 50th birthday celebration, which I think will be bigger than the wedding in the end. *naughty grin* I just said that because there's more preparations going on for the 50th birthday than for the wedding. *another naught grin* So, I am really looking forward to this trip. And as I mentioned in a previous entry, this entry means a lot to me in terms of soul-searching (My 2009 was a bit intense and draining boyfriend's-family-wise).

There's also the house-hunting which is currently ongoing. We went to view a unit yesterday which was so cosy, it's actually small. The couple who was renting it out seems fine and there's this feeling that they are genuinely good people. But we said we'd let them know at the end of the week. We are viewing 2 more units tomorrow and I found a couple more new listings online so that will probably be in for next week. It is just a bit of a challenge to find the right place for us, within our budget and the one that accommodates all our needs. Sigh. The anticipation and (good) stress of moving houses. :) Plus, a couple of weeks back, we went window shopping for couches, lounges, beds and dining sets. It was so exciting!!! We were browsing the display rooms and choosing which lounge set we want using this colour with that material. I felt like a housewife. :) hahaha It was actually a good feeling. Honestly. :)

This last week has been particularly stressful for me because I was dealing with mending friendships and letting go of really damaged ones. And yesterday, I found out I was blocked off. Reading "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog."
It hurt because it was an obvious slap on my face that I was rejected. I considered it as another baggage but instead of dragging myself down, I opted to just move along pulling it right behind me. Things indeed happen for a reason. And because Kuya Jess just loves me, He gave another reason to be stronger. Tanggap lang ng tanggap. That's my mantra.

Past the hugs, kisses, love letters (we still do this but not as often anymore) and all the goody-goody, ultra positive side of love, February gave me a whole new perspective about all the other aspects of love that I often overlook: learning, accepting, giving, receiving, letting go, sharing and yes, FORGIVING. It is never, ever easy to love. Sharing what was instilled in me during my DWTL days: Love and love until it hurts. Love until it hurts no more.

Buhay Mayaman Paminsan-minsan

We had breakfast at Westin Hotel yesterday compliments of his sister who works there. We aren't really a fancy pair so we don't mind which restaurants we've been to or not. We just love to eat out together. So whether it is in a fastfood, food court or some takeaway shop, we just don't care as long as we're with each other (cheesy but really, really true) and we are stuffed. Hahaha We want value for our money.

So we got up quite early than what we used to, got ready and walked our butts down to Viaduct Harbour. We were so tired when we reached the lobby because we didn't know how far it actually is when you're walking. But it was some good exercise. So when we got there, the ambiance was sort of business-ish and intimidating to a certain level. But that's just my point of view. We were seated immediately and our orders came pretty fast.

french toast for him

eggs benedict with smoked salmon for me

the view from our table

As soon as we finished our brunch, we just killed time and took photos using his SLR. I thought to myself, so this is what rich people do: Waking up and having brunch in some cafe or fancy restaurant where they overcharge you for coffee that tastes nothing compared to Starbucks. But hey, if you earn thousand of dollars every paycheck by signing papers and going to meetings, then an overpriced coffee is no big deal. Besides, everything they practically spend for is overpriced. Hahaha I saw a couple of other groups having sparkling water (not tap), with cigarettes in hand and huge dark sunglasses concealing most of their face, probably makeup-less after too much partying the night before. I found it quite interesting to be seating among them and keenly observing what they're doing and how they're acting. I can do this more often. And blog about it too. yesterday was fun in its own right.

that's me! having a rest before walking back home

How Tangled Last Week's Timetable Was

Finally, January 14 came. It's one of the most special days for us because it is his birthday. He caught me waking up early to set up birthday trimmings, a bouquet of balloons I got the night before (which I hid under the couch) and my gift to him. But it didn't matter because he was just so euphoric that he didn't mind knowing beforehand.

failed surprise attempt

And that day, we had so many things on our to-do list some of which are as follows:
1. Go to market and grocery to do shopping - check
2. Hear Mass - check (and had Fr. Gilbert bless him after the Mass)
3. Lunch Out - Pasta & pizza at La Porchetta
4. Go to Albany to buy moisturizer - no more time. next week nalang.
5. Cook Spaghetti pinoy style @ home - Sarrrraaaaapppppp! This is the 1st time I cooked a sweet style spaghetti using spaghetti sauce, banana ketchup and 1/4 cup sugar. Of course, hotdogs and mince beef are always on the list. So yeah, it reminded me of Jollibee. :)

my sweet style spaghetti that sold like pancakes

6. Get DSLR from Andrea - Angel sent a DSLR for Gelo as a birthday present. And Andrea, their cousin who just came from a flight from Dubai carried the DSLR for him.
Additional: Had Movenpick after dinner for some ice cream. :)

Fast forward to 2 days back. I stayed home and spent the whole day chopping and preparing ingredients so that I won't have to do any cutting on the day of his party.

the making of lumpiang shanghai

From 5 pm until 11 pm, I was sitting on a chair with a chopping board in front of me and with very heavy arms and a sore back, trying to finish off everything that needs to be done. And yes, I did! After that, I suddenly felt like my mom who cooked everything for us for every birthday and Christmas that passed without anyone really helping her. And tiring as it was, there's a feeling of fulfillment when you see his face smiling at you with grateful eyes. :)

Yesterday morning, I got up relatively early and started my only task of cooking all the meals to be served that afternoon. Yes, sense the sarcasm there. But seriously, I didn't really mind to do all the cooking as 1st of all, it is for him. Second of all, I love cooking! And third of all, ow never mind! Don't wanna be cheeky and spoil this entry.

On my menu are:
1. Carbonara
2. Seafood Curry
3. Adobong Batangas
4. Lumpiang Shanghai

happily doing all the cooking

His mom added some roast chicken which gives us one more additional dish. And we had White Mudcake for dessert. And lots of sparklings for drinks. :) After the long afternoon of jokes, games and gossips (wink wink), we headed to AMF for some bowling action and we had fun, indeed. Our team won which is good considering we haven't played bowling for a couple of years now. So we had some good laughs.

The point of the whole day was to make him happy. I knew he was. In fact more than anything, he felt blessed to have wonderful friends who never failed to remember him, a generally supportive family and a partner who is both a companion and a friend.

To Gelo: wishing you wealth, health, happiness and success! All my love, to the only fish in my sea. :)

"Me" Time

I finished work relatively early today so I went home, got changed and walked down to the city all by myself. It always feels good to have this day all to myself every once in a while. My "alone time" today is actually a secret because today's my shop-for-gelo's-birthday-present-day.

some "me" time at home: takeaway food and dvds

Earlier today, in the middle of discharging 2 patients and admitting another two, my mind was floating in some gift shop thinking of what to get him for his birthday. Suddenly, it was so hard to get him a present. SO during my break, i whipped out my pen and paper and started jotting down all sorts of gif ideas that entered my head.
1. T-shirt - too ordinary (because his sister's giving him a shirt too)
2. Jordan Rubber shoes - too expensive
3. Cologne/EDT - he already got a lot of it
4. Wallet - too mature
And then it hit me: Birkenstock!!! I'm gonna get him those comfortable little things, that he'll definitely looooove ---- 110% sure! (I fell in love with those things). So off I went and bought him his 1st pair.

Next on the list is a birthday card. I went to 2 different bookstores in search of the most romantic and heart-warming Birthday card with the most personal greeting. I read and browsed through 20 still, there's not a right feeling. It's either too cheesy or too mediocre. And then a neon-orange envelope caught my eye.



And I knew this is the card I'd hand to him on his 24th birthday. :) I can't wait!

One month crossed off our calendar

I just can't believe how much you love me. It seems surreal. Y'know, the feeling that someone loves you more than you love him. It makes me feel conscious in a way...and secured in a really positive note. It makes me realize that no matter how ugly I am or how loud I snor, you will be there to watch me sleep and kiss me goodmorning the next day. It is unbelievable how you text me you'll miss me knowing we will only be 8 hours apart. Just can't belive that there is still someone so optimistic, so bitten by the love bug, so cheesy and yet, so proud of it. It also makes me scared and quite skeptical to a point. Is this gonna last? Will your feelings still be the same 10 years from now? What if someone better comes along? Is this for good? Forever? Yes, the doubts start crawling in. But I look back and remember all those years of good times, of sneaking, of sweet messages and phone calls, of reassurance, of movie dates perfectly aware of my curfew, of holding hands, of laughing at jokes, of introducing eachother to family and friends, of out of town trips, of quiet moments, of comforting words and hugs and kisses. And it certainly sealed everything perfectly.

Eighty-five.
85 months.
That's a really long time to be together.

i wish i could say this to you

we are molded by our experiences both pleasant and not. And this defines, creates and/or contributes to one's character.
i have loyalty and trust issues.
why?

because my boyfriend of 7 years have broken up with me once, have cheated on me once and didn't want to commit at one point.
because i was violated and it was traumatic and incredibly humiliating
because some of my then-close friends betrayed my trust by leaving me hanging in the middle of a very serious but unfortunate circumstance.
because when i first came here unsettled, i was rejected and made to feel very unwelcome.
because my parents' marriage is falling apart and nothing makes you feel more broken than seeing a commitment of a lifetime breakdown just like that.
because my boyfriend's mom thinks that i no longer deserve to wear white on my wedding day.
because i trusted some wrong people.
because some people think that it's okay to mess with me.
because i am someone who clings to the past, who is easily scared, very sensitive and never forgets.
because i learn from my past, and never want to fall down with the same reason ever again.
because i have earned my right to be tough and i have realized that there's no one out there to defend and protect myself but me.
because reality bites and you have to bite back.

***
i feel suffocated, enclosed in my own space because my world gets smaller and smaller as people get crossed off my list.
i feel bitter that it nauseates me.
i feel myself getting smaller as i sink in the mud that is just pulling me down.
i feel fragile, lethargic and helpless but still refusing any help.
i feel shallow and empty that it echoes inside me.
i feel lonely. the hurt, the pain and the tears stemming from within.
i feel misunderstood.
i feel ugly inside. terrible.
i feel unforgiving, unjust and vengeful.
i feel stuck with my feet chained to a steel ball, unable to move forward.

***

i need to believe again.
i need something concrete.
i need to experience that i can trust someone again with my whole heart and soul.
i want someone or something to prove that some people are worth my trust and that not everyone will betray me.
i want to be assured and reassured over and over again.
i want to suppress everything and forget about betrayal and rejection.
i want someone's contagious optimism.
i want to be brave again, not afraid to give my trust and friendship.
i want to move forward and to look back only if it is necessary.
i want to stop nursing the pain and the hurt.
i want to smile again.
i want a promise to be made and never to be broken again.
i want to be free from that steel ball, to feel secured in someone's arms and to let out a good laugh.
i want to move forward.
with you.
show me that it's okay to trust you again. let me feel safe in your embrace. keep my secrets. be on my side even in the toughest of battles. stay with me when everything else is uncertain. let me know that all the others will walk away but that i have a handful of genuine friends who will always stay behind. hold on to me. make me feel whole again. try to fill that gap. teach me that in order to be truly free, the past should be forgotten and left to let go. stay with me even during my ugliest. laugh with me. don't betray me. just try and on't give up on me. remind me to be brave. don't break your promise. show me the love that will endure all weathers. give me your word. love me and just continue to love me. always.

i'll be waiting for that sweet day. and then maybe, i can say i love you too with all honesty and in a way i have never said before.

until then.

sent

i lost a patient at work. it was sudden. i really felt so low and so down that i asked for a 5 minute break from my team coordinator away from the floor so i could cry by myself in a cold and quiet place that is our staff locker room, where my own breathing echoes against the walls. i wanted to talk to someone because the remaining 3 hours i have left to work on the floor seemed like forever. the sadness is weighing me down. i had you on my mind first, but i couldn't reach you. and the image of your battery-empty phone sitting on the computer desk crossed my mind. deep sigh. this is one significantly low point for me and i couldn't let it all out because the person i chose to share it with is, yes, just a 20 minute walk away from me but could not be reached. i had to comfort myself and brush off a creeping thought in my mind that maybe, i can't really rely on anyone else. it felt so lonely. but i thought, you are here, with me. and you should know that you are my bestfriend too and that it is not too much for me to expect for you to be there for me. i needed you 3 hours ago because i knew you would say the words i'd like to and have to hear, the words that will get me up on my feet again, the words that will tell me that 3 hours isn't that far and that i can make it through the day. but there was no one at the other end of the line.

this is what i am saying. the little things count. when i told you na gusto ko magpaligaw ulit, i meant it. because i wanted to remember again and again what is it that made me love you in the 1st place. those sweet text messages, those surprises, those candid ways of yours that make me laugh so hard, those times when you always had in mind what i liked most. i miss your presence a lot. those little things that maybe too tiny for you to notice, those things matter. being there for eachother is much more than living together and seeing each other everyday. i am not blaming you. i love you so much that it upsets me.

so that ring, don't buy it if you're not ready to make those little things count. i will forget that ring-choosing-incident with your family hovering around us, that happened on saturday afternoon never occured. it's not how i imagined it to be. i want to get a ring from you when i know you are ready to put both your feet in for me, to always be there not just to be present, to make those little changes and to really "engage yourself to me." this is your time to finally show me and to promise me what you regret doing in the past and what you're looking forward to in the future you are offering me. so don't blow it. don't let that go.


i'll be out today, be back at around 10. will drive around. couldn't text you my whereabouts because your phone is here.
i hope next time, you'll be there.