No tattoes before thirty

this is from a book by Sam de Brito and all about what some of us wish our parents told us, things we probably learned the hard way and what we will (might find interesting to) tell our children.

To my lovely daughter:

1. Let men do the chasing: this will be frustrating. "i'm a modern woman," you'll say. as a rule, men have less respect for women who pursue them than the one they have to fight for. the thrill of the hunt is embedded in men's DNA. it's a law of nature.

2. Never have sex on camera: if you really, really really feel that it's something you want to do, take the tape when you leave. But don't label it "my sex video" and put it on your bookshelf.

3. If in doubt, go without: which applies to clothes, 1 night stands, tequila shots and takeaway food.

4. Don't smoke: it has no redeeming qualities, it stinks, it gives you wrinkles and can eventually kill you.

5. Don't put all your eggs in one bastard: be independent. Have a career, wealth and social cirscle outside of your boyfriend's.

6. Don't be the drunk chick: it's never attractive and sometimes downright dangerous.

7. Compare nothing: be it bust size, salary or your childhood. Comparison to your own will just make you grumpy or smug.

8. Be one of the cool chicks: which doesn't mean the bimbo who teases the fat girl at school. It means defining your opinions beyond what your friends and parents thingk, having a humanity that may put you at odds with others, being able to laugh at yourself and above all, wearing great shoes. :)

9. Be kind: it's the most attractive quality you'll ever possess.

To my dashing son:

1. Become an investment banker: everyone hates their job til their 30s when if they're lucky, they work out what they really want to do. Here's a little secret. Life'ss all about cash son. Dabling in filmmaking is a lot more fun after you've made 40 million dollars as a trader.

2. Don't lie about stupid stuff: don't bullshit people about places you've been or women you've slept with. You need to save your lies for really important occassions, such as salary negotiations and references for friends.

3. Get crazy haircuts: before you go bald. do it all, son. mohawks, blue mullets, rat's-tails. Who cares if old ladies won't get into lifts with you? That's what youth's for.

4. Don't be cheap: tip waiters and don't haggle over restaurant or phone bills. being labelled cheap is like being known as smelly or boring. it's hard to prove otherwise.

5. Learn good manners: you can look like a god and dress like an aristocrat, but hold youe knife like an icepick and it's all over in the 1st impression stakes.

6. Never be needy: nothing will scare women away faster than being a clinging sook. You are a man, so be manly. Communicate and share your emotions but remain strong, be dependable, make decisions, lead.

7. Don't hold grudges: you are the one who suffers. The other person is happily getting on with their life.

8. Things you will regret doing: hitting a woman, letting down your friend, not protecting your sister.

9. Don't lie to your friends: they will never forget it.

10. Things you'll never regret doing: visiting your grandparent, standing up to a bully, falling in love.

11. Keep your word: otherwise, it devalues quickly.

12. You don't have to be a great man: just be a good man.

*** reposting from my multiply account

The line is drawn

On the same topic but a totally different context:

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Sharing

This.

Parang gusto kong maiyak.

I had to share this

This. (thanks, mikky)

I just had to quote this here and share this because, this piece of writing is really talking to me. And while I was reading it, I almost answered in defense but realized, it was a non-arguable truth so I shut my mouth and carried on.

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

damn! I could almost highlight everything here!

Life is like a fairytale

"Once upon a time..."

Our story started so unconventionally (8 years ago). It was quick and straightforward and not very typical of a fairy tale. But as I was browsing through the different Disney princesses' love stories, I figured, it all starts in a different way. It's not textbook.So, we met each other and fell in love...and we really did fall in love! It's a really great feeling! It's all "raindrops on roses..." and hugs and kisses. It's (almost) perfect!

Of course, a fairytale isn't complete without a villain. I think we all know who is the villain in our story. And I reckon that villains vary. But there's always one thing in common: villains are always older females who are in a position of power or authority and are always jealous and insecure. One more thing I noticed, villains are almost always "family".

They can be sly and watch you from a distance.

They can be cunning and change appearances.

They can even come with alalays.

Or they can be typical: mean, ugly and evil.

I love fairy tales because I know that it is always a happy ending. That the kontrabida always gets defeated, that negativity comes to an end and the good always prevails. It is consoling and reassuring that way.

And of course, because I know that in the end, the prince always comes, to rescue, kiss or break the spell. The prince saves the little princess who has been the victim of all the cruelty of the wicked stepmother. Sometimes, it is nice to be saved; to know that your prince cares for you and stands up for you and to see for yourself that your prince is very brave and will literally sweep you off your feet.

the prince and the princess always lives happily ever after.

How to

I was doing some research on...guess what? How to Deal with a Difficult Mother In Law. I could so relate! It was a very helpful reading material that I actually felt I wrote it. hahaha And I found out that yes, it comes up as one of the options/suggestions when I typed the words "how to cope with a diffi..." on the search bar. Gosh! How many poor daughters-in-law are there, who get beaten up by these relationship-wreckers also known as mothers-in-law? I am part of that statistics.

Here are the excerpts (aka my favorite parts) plus my reactions/comments:
- Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals.
- Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. It's not always true - more often, the mother-in-law just doesn't want to face the fact that now she must stand behind another woman in her son's life. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse. - Sometimes, i just can't begin to decipher why the heck she can't understand it? And sometimes, I become really tired. :(
- Don't make judgmental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
- Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
- Make your spouse understand that it is s/he who must take the lead with his/her family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge. -
- Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice. Judgmental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. - Oh boy, that is so her.
- Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. - that's good! cause i don't have the sugar-coating skill, anyway..hahaha
- You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
- If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. - Oo na, I'll do it na. This article is really talking to me.
- You are entitled to a peaceful life. You do not owe this woman your life - but she does deserve respect. However, she's just a person, the same as you, and if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. No. Respect and admiration are earned. If she doesn't deserve it, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
- You and your partner need to present a united front. - totally totally agree! can't say it enough!
- The more you can remind your spouse that s/he married you, not his/her mother, the more your spouse will address the issue, as s/he properly should, and respect you and the marriage. - i need to actually do this. bahala na if he sees me as a nagger, at least I get my message across.
- Be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey - if it's possible to do this way. - i like that line. :)
- Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk, do whatever you need to in order to not be alone with her. - I have experienced this first hand. They are lurking in corners waiting to attack when there's no one around to protect you except yourself.
and the follow up: It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child, undermining your relationship with that child.

I'm here all lost and confused and blind, tripping over issues of the past that are scattered all over, all around me and then I stumble on this article. This article is gold for me!God really provides. :) This is hope peeking.

Don't Quit

Because sometimes, I need a mantra to keep me going. A string of words that I can hold on to and that'll give me a lift---a bit of hope. Something that will keep me running and believing even when it's really really hard not to.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

If Life is a Game, These are the Rules

It is a high school book that we passed on among ourselves in our barkada. And somehow, it helped us survived the confusing stage of hormones and identity crisis. Personally, it brought some answers and inspiration because in the awkward years that was puberty, I could only turn to friends and yes, our self-help books. And today as I was giving advices to one of my dear friends in a long-term on-again and off-again relationship, rule #4 popped in my head. I suddenly felt all high school again. I realized that the rules I attempted to imbibe in me 10 years ago (oh my god, I just realized that high school was already 10 years ago?!?! It doesn't seem that distant to me..), is still something very applicable to my life now. Perhaps, helpful even. So yes, these are the rules:

1. You will receive a body
2. You will be presented with lessons
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
4. A lesson is repeated until learned
5. Learning does not end
6. "There" is no better than "here"
7. Others are only mirrors of you
8. What you make of your life is up to you
9. All your answers lie inside of you
10. You will forget all of this at birth

Thanks to Joy for lending me this book 12 years ago and to all my other high school friends who joined me in my quest of finding the value of myself and of life through all the meaningless mazes I had to go through.

Discovered

5 years back when I was going through a rough time in my life, I had a journal that I decided to compile, edit and lay-out (and print) for the sake of memories. So I did everything I mentioned except for the one in the bracket. I spent crazy hours editing, proofreading and editing again only to find out I lost it when my computer broke down. It was terrible! I felt devastated.

Today while I was going through my old emails, I found attachments, bits and pieces of my old journal slash book-to-be and I am soooooo thrilled! I saved a copy on my computer and will go through it later. :)

Here is one random article I found:

What i know about pain
- lucy torres-gomez

i know it has to be treated with respect. Feel it and get to know it,
because only then will you be able to let it go. Know you are entiled to
your one last cry and make sure that happens on your own terms; let no one
tell you, you are grieving too much or too little. Be true to yourself and
while you feel but while at it, wait expectantly for healing to come
because, trust me, it will come.