The One With Monica's Thunder

Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you don’t know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!
Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I’m not. I’m not even close. And I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that’s dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler!

****

I can relate like I'm actually Rachel but not about the getting married part. Well,not now at least. But yeah. Let's just leave it at that.

Moral of the Story

Yes, every story has a moral lesson in the end. And I just learned mine today.

Justice is human, forgiveness is divine.

and boy oh boy, it spoke to me and pierced me straight into my heart.

I hope this is the end of that ugly fairytale.

too much of anything is a really bad thing

too much uncertainty
too many questions that i feel the answers are lost
too much confusion
too much corners to fence you in
too many turns that makes it impossible to run away
too many painful memories
too much to take in

way too much.

it drowns the good.

The line is drawn

On the same topic but a totally different context:

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

The good, the bad and the ugly

To end this entry in a positive note, let's give it a twist and do it the other way around: the ugly, the bad and the good.

THE UGLY: (just for this, I wanna be cynical) She's back! Damn it! I cringe at the thought that I'll be seeing her again this weekend. Oh man, the past couple of weeks were fine. I was fine. Not perfect but pleasant. And I haven't felt that in months! And now, I feel sick in my gut. Literally. I feel the world is closing down on me. When he told me he went to their place this morning and he has some "stuff" from her/them, I wanted to puke. Seriously?!?! She thinks that getting me a shirt and hopia will bridge the gap? Seriously. *shooks head* It's not that I am expecting more from her because really I don't give a *toot*. On the contrary, I want to be left alone. I want her to quit bugging me because with all (brutal) honesty, I am pikon. And nobody likes me when I'm pikon. I turn into a totally different person (or creature). Once she decides to stop and give me the peace and quiet that I want and not to mention, truly deserv, I'll be meek and quiet and she'll see me at my best.

THE BAD: A number of small things: Number one: I am doing morning shift again tomorrow and I am exhausted. I recall one of the millions of WOW my ninang has randomly injected in our long conversations: "Kaya nga tinawag na work eh kasi mahihirapan ka. Eh di sana tinawag nalang na 'fun' or 'play' kung walang kapagod-pagod." She has a point. Number two: I have..hang on, let's make that a "we". We have exceeded our weekly food budget. Argh! Just when we have it all plotted down on a white board. Tsk. Number three: one of my friends want to stay low key in the world of social networking and interactive connections. And I'm affected. It's odd for her to be in this mode but I say it is not good.

THE GOOD: My team coordinator, thinks it's now time for my promotion! She actually believes I got what it takes to be a notch higher. Wow! :) I feel promoted already! hahaha It was lasagna Monday at work today and I just ate half of it. Half goes to Gelo, of course. Plus, I have 2 containers full of sisig that'll last 'til next week, perhaps. Next, it's my birthday in less than a month and our 94th tomorrow. That's not only good. That's amazingly GREAT!

Good vs. Bad?
Good wins.
Good always, ALWAYS wins.

How to

I was doing some research on...guess what? How to Deal with a Difficult Mother In Law. I could so relate! It was a very helpful reading material that I actually felt I wrote it. hahaha And I found out that yes, it comes up as one of the options/suggestions when I typed the words "how to cope with a diffi..." on the search bar. Gosh! How many poor daughters-in-law are there, who get beaten up by these relationship-wreckers also known as mothers-in-law? I am part of that statistics.

Here are the excerpts (aka my favorite parts) plus my reactions/comments:
- Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals.
- Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. It's not always true - more often, the mother-in-law just doesn't want to face the fact that now she must stand behind another woman in her son's life. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse. - Sometimes, i just can't begin to decipher why the heck she can't understand it? And sometimes, I become really tired. :(
- Don't make judgmental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
- Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
- Make your spouse understand that it is s/he who must take the lead with his/her family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge. -
- Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice. Judgmental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. - Oh boy, that is so her.
- Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. - that's good! cause i don't have the sugar-coating skill, anyway..hahaha
- You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
- If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. - Oo na, I'll do it na. This article is really talking to me.
- You are entitled to a peaceful life. You do not owe this woman your life - but she does deserve respect. However, she's just a person, the same as you, and if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. No. Respect and admiration are earned. If she doesn't deserve it, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
- You and your partner need to present a united front. - totally totally agree! can't say it enough!
- The more you can remind your spouse that s/he married you, not his/her mother, the more your spouse will address the issue, as s/he properly should, and respect you and the marriage. - i need to actually do this. bahala na if he sees me as a nagger, at least I get my message across.
- Be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey - if it's possible to do this way. - i like that line. :)
- Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk, do whatever you need to in order to not be alone with her. - I have experienced this first hand. They are lurking in corners waiting to attack when there's no one around to protect you except yourself.
and the follow up: It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child, undermining your relationship with that child.

I'm here all lost and confused and blind, tripping over issues of the past that are scattered all over, all around me and then I stumble on this article. This article is gold for me!God really provides. :) This is hope peeking.

Parenting No-No

I don't think I am very old. Or that I've got a huge generation gap with the "teenagers" of today. But it feels like I do (have a huge age difference)! I can't begin to decipher how the 14, 15, 16 years olds are talking trash not only to themselves and to their friends but to their elders! Call me conservative or traditional but I think Respect isn't just a fad. I was going through someone's blog today and I am honestly appalled at the odd mixture of *fucks and *bitches inserted at every comma, every sentence, every pause that you can make out of one sentence. I didn't even know that it is as widely used now as the word "the". But boy oh boy, reading statements like those I came across with is completely different from hearing it 1st hand. I am in awe and in total shock when I heard a story of how a 14 year old snapped back at her brother. Ang sarap silihan ng bibig. It was gross and utter disrespect and for me, it is something that warrants not only humility but sincere apology.

And in this blind item, I begin to blame 2 sides. First, the person doing it. The one who is responsible for what slips out of her mouth. The one who is not dumb but apparently very gullible with her crooked reasoning obviously influenced by her friends. The one who is trying to fit in by adapting the same lingo and acting silly. The one who always asked for something (i.e. a new pair of shoes, top-up cash, eat out, even picking her up from godknowswhere!), but in the end still forgot how much of herself she owes to everyone around her more importantly, to her brother whom she called "dumbass". The one who is a stranger now. The one who lost her own values in a span of 3 years. Where there really values in the 1st place?

And now, I blame the parents. To them who did not fulfill the responsibility that God asked them to. To them who became lazy of disciplining. To them who condoned it. To them who turned a blind eye to everything that's happening around them and within their family. To them who are inconsistent with their rules. To them who allowed their children to walk out the door without even bothering to ask where are they going. To them who kept quiet and remained deaf. To them with the rules they always bent and never followed. To them who, in the very 1st place, didn't instill well enough what's right from what's wrong. There lies the problem.

I grew up in a family where we know how to behave in another person's house. Or how to accommodate guests who come to our own home. We are brought up to know that just a sharp stare from our parents mean we have to clean up our act. We grew up saying 'po' and 'opo' to any adult, we are not making faces and we are not cursing. Answering back means you are not only grounded, you are practically dead. On the inside, we are an emotional family. We are spiritual and contemplative. We share with each other how our days went. We try to talk it out when things are going out of hand. We may not be seen as 'tough' like what other people seem to be but at least we know that Respect is a value, that parents are next to God, that the authority given to parents and other elders need to be acknowledged and followed. And that we need to hold on to these values. For that, I am really proud and thankful.

Still, I am not giving up

I wanted to scream "Sa'yo na!" I wasn't doing anything and yet she somehow feels I am taking him away from her. How is that so? Where else would I put myself? How else would I act? What else should I or shouldn't I say? How strange. In the story where she is the wicked stepmother, she suddenly points the finger at me as the one who is at fault for everything. Maybe Snow White is soft spoken and talks to little animal creatures (who also answer back in singing voices that luckily, I don't do---the talking to animals, I mean.), but you'll never know if the unpublished version says Snow White lashed at the evil stepmother and told her to "Shut the f***k up!!!" Well, let us not wait for the modest little princess to reach that point, shall we?


I wanted to cry when I heard it. Not because I am sad but because I am exhausted. I am tired of her. I am tired of her constant competing with me, of her constant whining about me, of her constant dislike of me. I am almost, ALMOST fed up. I can't do the smiling in front of each other and then hurting as I feel my back has been stabbed. I can't do the pretending thing. I can try to be cordial. I can be civil. But I can't exchange jokes and stories about life pretending I am interested when all I really care about is driving home and doing my own thing. I am not that person. I am transparent that you could see right through me. And I never forget. EVER. And that's me. That's who I am. So I can't forget you telling me never to set foot in your house again. I can't forgive you for telling me in my face I shouldn't bother wearing white on my wedding day. I can't accept the fact that you don't feel at ease that your son is gonna marry me. I can't let it all pass. No. This is me.

And I'm sorry that your son loves me.
But he does.

SO DAMN MUCH!

tight and tough competition

biyenan - n. the mother of ones husband (or wife)
- v. breaking marriages; burning bridges; competing with time, resources, clothes, educational background, salary, work, etc.; likes to get in the way of your plans, decisions, etc., proving you are not good enough for her son; ruining your life in general
- adj. jealous, competitive, boastful, superior (or so she feels), attention seeker, always in denial, unabble to accept the present situation (i.e. her son is no longer hers)
- syn. nightmare, the 'other' woman, home wrecker

technically, we aren't related yet. however, due to certain circumstances, I am forced into an unfortunate situation wherein I have to deal with her and suffer like I'm being punished for something I did. It's just not fair. And yes, I'm whining.

It happened to my mom and I witnessed it, almost experienced it as she was going through the agony of her relationship with her mother-in-law. I am really scared that it is happening to me. NOW. Shit!

The truth is, mothers-in-law, they are the 'other' woman, the one who is hungry for attention and who demands more from our husbands and partners than we do. And in the end, when we have reached our "that's it" moment and let our men choose, some of them sadly pick their mothers. As if they are the ones they have sex with everynight, the ones who will bring their children into this world, the ones who tire themselves sorting the house, the bills, the children and the family, the one who will help him raise his children carrying his surname. Sigh.

I hope there is an easier way of dealing with them. Of making them understand that we are not a threat; that the moment we agreed to marry their sons, we start to become part of the family.

I also wish that he will understand and in the end, will choose me. It might sound like a tough call. But really, it shouldn't be hard because the moment he chose to stay with me, he should have understood that he already picked me.