I really, really wish I could shout it out loud

Seeing myself sitting alone in my apartment at 10 in the morning in my pyjamas and with hair in disarray, someone might think I don't have a life. But going through this eccentric work hours and trying to get a decent amount of sleep is often a struggle. So the next spare time I have or the moment my head starts feeling all dopey, I quickly climb into bed, lights off, blinds shut, duvet cover over my head and off I drift to the wonderful land of dreams. But that doesn't always happen. That is why even if I am doing night shift tonight and I REALLY need to sleep, I couldn't because my circadian rhythm is all a mess and I hardly know if it's night or day. Plus I just started on this new diet partly because I want to lose weight but more importantly because I have come to the realization that my lifestyle needs an overhaul and that being young is not a passport to NOT get sick (Speaking after receiving my deranged LFTs for no obvious reason, damn it!). Hence, I am into this state wherein my body is forced to adjust to a healthier lifestyle, which translates into my own terms as feeling weaker and deprived. 

This job I am into, what does it really mean? Yes, My job description says:

Meets the needs of patients and their family/whanau using contemporary nursing care, which is safe, appropriate and effective. Such care is based on comprehensive assessment; ensuring continuity, is patient-consumer centered, culturally sensitive and evidence based. Promotes teamwork through working collaboratively with the health care team. Demonstrates quality improvement in work practices. Demonstrates professional accountability and leadership.

But really, WHAT does it mean to "meet the needs", "to demonstrate accountability" and to "ensure patient-centred care"?

2 days in a row I had the most bizarrely interesting encounters with people who, because of (probably) their own indulgence and their (now apparently) wrong choices, have slipped away a teeny-tiny bit from sanity. It may be a fact or an excuse they are trying to put forward to justify their current state of mind.

3rd Morning Shift (defined as yes, the 3rd time I am dragging myself to work after 2 previous days of purely exhausting physical and mental work. Also equates to a shorter patience secondary to fatigue.)

Caring for a 67 year old male, who is living in a resthome has 4 daughters and 3 siblings all in the UK; admitted for Dementia secondary to Alcohol withdrawal. Current smoker; smoked for 50 years; Hasn't smoked in the last 7/7. Past medical history of Depression with self harm.

After breakfast, I approached him asking if he wants to be assisted with hygiene/morning cares. He sarcastically obliged.

Me: Do you want to have a wash or a shower now?
A(for asshole):  squinting at me as if I'm an alien. Well, yeah, ok.
Me: Everything's ready at the basin. Are you alright to do it yourself or do you want me to help you with anything?
A: If you're not busy. sarcasm sensed.
M: Here's your toothbrush, please clean your teeth.
He takes out his dentures (top and bottom) and threw it at the basin.
A: You clean it. Do you know how to use this toothbrush?
No answer from me, just deep breaths.
A: Oh no? Here, you turn it on. You don't have that?

Bloody hell! I wanted to yell at him and slap him really hard. But there is no point having that argument with the patient, my manager says. Bullshit!

Day 4 (Last morning shift. Synonymous to mentally and physically drained but has to go to work just because I'm rostered to do so.)

Caring for a 78 yearold female who came in with a fractured left humerus sustained after a fall. Extensive bruising on left arm, left chest wall and left flank noted. A resthome resident who sneaked out of the resthome to buy herself a bottle of wine because she was unhappy that the resthome staff took away her 2 bottles of vodka. On Alcohol withdrawal scale. Can have Diazepam 5-10 mg and Lorazepam 0.5 mg BD.

Prior to turning her, Oxynorm 5 mg given, Panadol 1 g given. Have explained to her that we (me and HCA) need to turn her and move her up the bed so she can sit upright for breakfast. 1st turn towards me, low and behold! 2 punches came flying to my direction and landed on my chest. I dropped her back on supine and told her off, "You better stop hitting me!"

When do you draw the line? Until when are we paid to understand that they are sick and it's just a part of it? When can you say that this is already a low blow to you, as a person, who despite anything and more than anything for that matter, needs deserves to be treated with respect? Respect being the most basic human virtue.

But somehow, I have put it all together that yes, they might be sick and yes, it is my job to be patient but the truth of the matter is no matter where you go, no matter what people say, there'll always be an implication because of the colour of your skin.

What a load of crap!

***

And this morning, with all the stressful days of work, the gradual onset of lethargy because of my dieting and the hormonal changes that comes with being a woman, I open up my blog and something like this bumps in to me:

You will never fully experience every fiber of a woman’s being until you blanket her with the security of your love. This is not found by sharing your bills or your bed. You will find it when you commit your life to her in marriage.

Does marriage really matter that much though Dad?

Yes! Marriage eases her mind in a way, living with her never will. Without it, she will always hold something back. She will always doubt. She will always wonder (and may not ask you) why she isn’t good enough…and the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both will be.

But shouldn’t I take my time and make sure she is the right one?

Of course, but not to the detriment of your future with her. No woman wants to feel like no one else better has come along, “ so I guess we should get married”.

If you can’t see yourself with her and your future children eating cotton candy at the beach some day…

If you can’t see yourself waiting on her hand and foot after breast cancer surgery…

If you can’t see yourself wanting to tell her everything first…

If you can’t see your wrinkled hands holding hers… 

My thoughts and feelings for the last 3 years suddenly translated into words. Something I wish I could tell him. Or better yet, something I wish he could realize on his own.

What a life.

Love in the eyes of Dementia

Talking to a severely demented 80-something lady.

Me: So, are you married?
Lady: No. The boy I love died in the war. So I said, the hell with them! I'm not gonna marry someone else.
Me: Why not?
Lady: Because I'd feel guilty for being with someone else.


* Dementia - a degenerative decline in memory and cognitive function, which has various causes. *

The good, the bad and the ugly

To end this entry in a positive note, let's give it a twist and do it the other way around: the ugly, the bad and the good.

THE UGLY: (just for this, I wanna be cynical) She's back! Damn it! I cringe at the thought that I'll be seeing her again this weekend. Oh man, the past couple of weeks were fine. I was fine. Not perfect but pleasant. And I haven't felt that in months! And now, I feel sick in my gut. Literally. I feel the world is closing down on me. When he told me he went to their place this morning and he has some "stuff" from her/them, I wanted to puke. Seriously?!?! She thinks that getting me a shirt and hopia will bridge the gap? Seriously. *shooks head* It's not that I am expecting more from her because really I don't give a *toot*. On the contrary, I want to be left alone. I want her to quit bugging me because with all (brutal) honesty, I am pikon. And nobody likes me when I'm pikon. I turn into a totally different person (or creature). Once she decides to stop and give me the peace and quiet that I want and not to mention, truly deserv, I'll be meek and quiet and she'll see me at my best.

THE BAD: A number of small things: Number one: I am doing morning shift again tomorrow and I am exhausted. I recall one of the millions of WOW my ninang has randomly injected in our long conversations: "Kaya nga tinawag na work eh kasi mahihirapan ka. Eh di sana tinawag nalang na 'fun' or 'play' kung walang kapagod-pagod." She has a point. Number two: I have..hang on, let's make that a "we". We have exceeded our weekly food budget. Argh! Just when we have it all plotted down on a white board. Tsk. Number three: one of my friends want to stay low key in the world of social networking and interactive connections. And I'm affected. It's odd for her to be in this mode but I say it is not good.

THE GOOD: My team coordinator, thinks it's now time for my promotion! She actually believes I got what it takes to be a notch higher. Wow! :) I feel promoted already! hahaha It was lasagna Monday at work today and I just ate half of it. Half goes to Gelo, of course. Plus, I have 2 containers full of sisig that'll last 'til next week, perhaps. Next, it's my birthday in less than a month and our 94th tomorrow. That's not only good. That's amazingly GREAT!

Good vs. Bad?
Good wins.
Good always, ALWAYS wins.

Baking Debut

It's a productive Friday today for me.

I came home from a night shift at 7 this morning. I felt so good taking the lifts down, walking out of the door and seeing all the people just about to begin their day when I just finished mine. It was still dark when I left the hospital and it was really chilly. So, clad in my black puffer jacket, I took the 3-minute walk I usually take to the parking lot and off I drove in the dark night sky, looking forward to reaching home and lying on my bed.

I was up at half past one and my head was turning for a while. Gelo and I had lunch of okra, spanish sardines and instant soup with egg (it's Friday, afterall! All the grocery's gone for the week). I drove him off to work after then went home and started on the one thing I've been looking forward to, the whole week: my baking debut!

my new toys waiting to be played :)

whole wheat strawberry yoghurt muffin in pieces

...going into the oven

And hello to these beautiful babies! :)

My Workload

1. Mr. A
CC: L) Basal ganglia stroke with dysphagia, dysarthria & impaired gait
PMHx:
- Nocturia due to bladder outlet obstruction secondary to enlarged prostate
- Oral Thrush
- CVD, 4 previous strokes; R) parietal stroke 1997 with severe L) hemiparesis
- Previous # L) tibia
- Type 2 DM with mild retinopathy
-HPN
- Dyslipidaemia

Plan:
- Regular oral cares; Nilstat QID
- BSL BD AC
- PACs
- Maintain on thickened fluids; Supervise and sit upright to decrease risk of aspiration
- Bladder scan/ PVR

2. Mrs X
CC: Myositis - gradual progression; Severe weakness R) hip, leg and knee
PMHx:
- CHF
- AF
- Normocytic normochromic anaemia - Mixed Fe defiecieny and chronic inflammatory disease; Hb -100
- Degenerative arthritis
- Osteoporosis with # L) NOF s/p L) THJR 2007
- Previous CVA 2006
- Glaucoma
- L) Cataract Sx

Plan:
- Supervise/assist all transfers
- For PT input
- Analgesia as needed

3. Mrs. C
CC: L) extracapsular # NOF - s/p L) DHS
PMHx:
- Recurrent UTIs
- R) inferior pubic ramus #
- R) THJR secondary to OA
- HPN
- GORD
- Bowel Ca - Hemicolectomy 2001
- Asthma
- Diplopia

Plan:
- Regular analgesia prior to mobility
- Assist with mobility and transfers
- TEDS
- Encourage to mobilise
- Monitor bowels

4. Mrs. B
CC: L) intertrochanteric # NOF - s/p L) DHS
PMHx:
- Postural hypotension
- Syncopal episodes
- HPN
- IHD
- DM type 2
- Hypothyroidism
- Past TB
- Macular degeneration both eyes
- ? BCC R) forearm

Plan:
- Maintain on thickened fluids; Supervise and sit upright when eating or drinking
- Encourage increase oral fluid intake. If fluid intake <600 mls, for fluid review; ? IVF overnight
- Oral cares
- PACS; Regular turns
- Food and fluid balance chart
- IDC - monitor output
- Oral Augmentin for LLRTI
- Withold laxatives; Discuss with team re ?Augmentin causing loose bowels

***
Yes, that explains why I am so tired today and for a Sunday, it is toxic. Need to have some much-needed and well deserved Zzzzzs.

Sunday Slowdown

I do morning shifts every Sunday which feels like one day less from my workweek (because Sunday's not really busy plus there are no bosses around). And every Sunday, I whine about how i didn't sleep enough and that I am so tired considering I just got back from my days off. But today, I had someone else to whine with because I was working with Carrie and it made me feel normal, and really better. :)

***

Coming home from work, I played Naruto with him and after some theoretical tutorial, I actually won! Wohoo! That was exhilirating and when played occassionally, can do wonders to your self-esteem.

***
I saw newly uploaded photos of some people in Boracay and somehow, I felt betrayed. Not because I am not with them in the photo but because I suddenly felt loyalty to one of my friends was questionable. And I know that questioning loyalty is not a good thing. But I also know that when something's bothering you, something's not right. Hence, the feeling.

***

Putting up Christmas trinkets have been a ritual of sorts for our family, which I happily adapted when I came over here. After All Saint's and All Soul's Day on November, we would start putting up all things elated to Christmas. Last Friday, I took down my Christmas decorations and my apartment is now back to its normal state.


These Christmas decorations conveyed a lot of merriment during the holidays that it actually made me excited to wake up in the morning to see giant red stockings staring down on me. It made my day brighter and somehow told me that no matter how ugly the day turns out to be, Ill be coming home to a place where a star is shining on top of a tree. :) And that alone made all the difference.

Everything About Today

There is an exhilarating feeling about walking out of the hospital doors after graveyard shift with the cool breeze greeting you and the sunshine peeking through the clouds. I feel a sense of relief that the day and my week is finally over. There is a feeling of excitement as I look forward to the weekend and suddenly, I don't feel sleepy anymore.

6 hours later, here I am, awake and with a throbbing headache. I have laundry in the washing machine while I am blogging and at another tab watching wedding videos. I am half asleep and half sick after having lunch, which I made and put too much tuna in. Eeewww.

It has been a crazy week with all the hoola-baloos of his mom's birthday and whatnot. I'd rather skip this part and not dwell on the pessimism that is trying to escape from inside of me.

I made the collage of photos for this blog yesterday before coming to work and it exudes a very positive vibe. Those photos are dated from way back 2005-ish. So it really brings back lots of memories. One way to negate all thoughts awful and silly and all things burdensome. I actually found my Literature teacher's blog and I am just so fascinated about how she writes, mixing the simplicity of her everyday life with the creativity of her ideas and how she juggles those words. Ah, simply amazing. And so, I vowed to make this blog rock by writing a often as I can and by coming up with new ideas. That reminds me, I haven't done my resolution list for this year.

The washing machine has beeped, calling me to hang the clothes outside while there's still some sun. Yes, my drier broke down a week ago which, makes doing laundry a lot less easy. So, I have to finish up and attend to the house chores before I ran out of time or fall asleep.

sent

i lost a patient at work. it was sudden. i really felt so low and so down that i asked for a 5 minute break from my team coordinator away from the floor so i could cry by myself in a cold and quiet place that is our staff locker room, where my own breathing echoes against the walls. i wanted to talk to someone because the remaining 3 hours i have left to work on the floor seemed like forever. the sadness is weighing me down. i had you on my mind first, but i couldn't reach you. and the image of your battery-empty phone sitting on the computer desk crossed my mind. deep sigh. this is one significantly low point for me and i couldn't let it all out because the person i chose to share it with is, yes, just a 20 minute walk away from me but could not be reached. i had to comfort myself and brush off a creeping thought in my mind that maybe, i can't really rely on anyone else. it felt so lonely. but i thought, you are here, with me. and you should know that you are my bestfriend too and that it is not too much for me to expect for you to be there for me. i needed you 3 hours ago because i knew you would say the words i'd like to and have to hear, the words that will get me up on my feet again, the words that will tell me that 3 hours isn't that far and that i can make it through the day. but there was no one at the other end of the line.

this is what i am saying. the little things count. when i told you na gusto ko magpaligaw ulit, i meant it. because i wanted to remember again and again what is it that made me love you in the 1st place. those sweet text messages, those surprises, those candid ways of yours that make me laugh so hard, those times when you always had in mind what i liked most. i miss your presence a lot. those little things that maybe too tiny for you to notice, those things matter. being there for eachother is much more than living together and seeing each other everyday. i am not blaming you. i love you so much that it upsets me.

so that ring, don't buy it if you're not ready to make those little things count. i will forget that ring-choosing-incident with your family hovering around us, that happened on saturday afternoon never occured. it's not how i imagined it to be. i want to get a ring from you when i know you are ready to put both your feet in for me, to always be there not just to be present, to make those little changes and to really "engage yourself to me." this is your time to finally show me and to promise me what you regret doing in the past and what you're looking forward to in the future you are offering me. so don't blow it. don't let that go.


i'll be out today, be back at around 10. will drive around. couldn't text you my whereabouts because your phone is here.
i hope next time, you'll be there.

when my life gets really boring

Arriving home from a busy night shift, i had bacon quiche, one pancake and half a glass of apple juice. After which, i crawled into bed, my tummy juggling as I reach for the covers. I was asleep before I knew it. And because I didn't have a lot of night shifts, my body clock said it was time to get up at 1:00 pm. Damn it! My head ached as I peered to check my clock, which is strategically placed as far from my bed as possible so i won't hear the tick-tacking. Yes, it was past lunch. I got up and realized there's no decent thing to eat aside from 1 pc of cold pancake, a half-eaten caramel slice and 1 Mars bar. Thinking of all the sugary content of all those made me sick. I found cold sinigang from last night as well, still on the table (it's covered though), and exactly how i left it before i went to work last night. And honestly, I am not in the mood to eat leftovers today. So i munched on the caramel slice as i get sicker one bite after the other.

I've been sitting infront of the computer for 4 1/2 hours straight now and i still don't wanna getup, praying that the piece of pastry i had will suffice for my daily dose of vitamins and minerals.

sigh.

i miss my mom. i miss her cooking, her warmth, her company. the silence in my flat is deafening. well except for the washing machine which is running at the moment and the sound of these keyboard keys as i type. the day has passed. it's winter here so at 5 o'clock it's already dark. i am alone and hungry and bored on a winter day and it feels terrible. my back continues to ache from stooping too long.

plus, i have my period. Which really sucks with all the laziness, the cramps and the low mood.

i have all the right to whine. just for today.

and maybe for tomorrow too.

and hopefully, i'll be fine after.

it really gave me the quivers

i am at work. it's not so busy today. not much bells going, which is rare but very good.

during my break, i called my mom just to catch up with her as i wasn't able to speak with her for a couple of days. she had all these happy stories about what happened over the weekend until she told me that one thing that just freaked me out.

*** our homehelp, whose name is jen-jen usually gives mama a good massage in the morning and that's what happened one bright, sunny day this week. i dunno which province jen-jen is from but y'know how our culture is rich in stuff like folklore, withcraft or some other dimension, gutfeel or sixth sense. she said (pertaining to my mom), "ate, ang bait bait mo. maswerte ang mga anak mo sa'yo. naku, kung ako lang ang may ganyan kabait na nanay..." well, for this statement, she is absolutely right. my mom is one of a kind! i mean really, she's not only a mom to me but my very bestfriend. she cooks well, she is a homemaker, no vices, not high maintainance but very beautiful inside out. She is trustworthy, very brave, ambitious and optimistic. Her faith keeps her going and she is my best example of grace, tact, wisdom and beauty.

And then she followed, " ate, nakikita ko na nahihirapan ka na. marunong ka lang magdala ng problema." She said it like some kind of psychic reading into what happens inside our family. and the final blow came, "ate, sa tingin ko malapit ka na." Shit! Shit! F*cknsh*t!!! I was speechless. It was creepy! My mom said she had the quivers (i did too) but she didn't freak out, instead the graceful and tactful lady that she is, she waited and listened to what jen-jen has to say. She dismissed the topic, carried on like any normal day and put it at the back of her mind. and now she is telling me. she is telling me, her only daughter! Her freaked out only daughter, her bestfriend in the whole world, who is 13 hours of airplane ride away from her! i couldn't do anything but think and later on, yes, i cried. I felt like to. And there's nothing much I can do in a situation like this, anyway. My mom said, the past few days she has been dreaming of my late grandmother (her mom) and something like having someone in the family die. That's not a good thing. Really. And i whispered, "God, please let it not be my mom. Not now."

It's hard to hear news like that. It bugs me and doesn't help. Anybody out there probably loves their mom the best in the whole world and i do too! and right now, i just want to pack my bags, get into the next available flight, go home and sleep beside her.