My Belief System

I believe


1. that love is a choice
2. in karma
3. that we need to keep friends who are loyal, not just the 'good' ones
4. that trust is earned
5. that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
6. in second, even third chances
7. that we are entitled to 'off' days
8. in doing everything fair and square
9. that sacrifices in the end, have rewards
10. in faith
11. that a lesson is repeated until learned.
12. that respect begets respect
13. in transparency of emotions
14. that humility will bring you places
15. so will obedience
16. that patience is a virtue
17. in a Filipino saying, "kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw."
18. that home is ALWAYS where the heart is
19. that no matter who you are, where you are in your life or what you do, your family will stand by you.
20. in trying despite failing. And rising after falling
21. in boundaries
22. that your principles, values and morals will keep you whole
23. that parenting is a skill and not all parents have that skill
24. that laughter is the BEST medicine
25. that each day is a blessing
26. in God
27. in memories that need to be cherished
28. that our history is what shapes us
29. that everything that we do should be parallel with our own belief system otherwise, we are just betraying ourselves

Sent and awaiting reply

Somehow I thought it's unfair what you said to me one day. And now, I am holding on to that painful statement you said that left me in awe. But not in a good way.



You were always my go-to person. When something great happens, I can't wait to share it with you. When something negative happens, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. And even the mere sharing of childhood dreams, plans waiting to happen, absurd or silly ideas and just plain and simple random thoughts, I'd say I'd still go to you more than any of my friends because you are always present. You were always there. And I appreciate that A LOT because sweety, when you are in a land far, far away and you are unbelievably thriving to survive, even the tiniest gesture of concern and affection matter. And that's what I found in you. You were someone consistent. and you knew me. You actually knew me and you gave a damn to try to know me more, tried to stomach my quirks, tried to laugh at my silliest jokes and tried to listen to my unending litany of hopes and what-ifs. Hand over heart I can say that even among the friends I have at work, I haven't shed my life open that much and that far except to you. Even without a title, we knew we were one of the best friends of each other. I felt that. So despite the distance, I still felt we were together, like closely knitted together. Until the 1st of 2 things happened.



When you uttered those unforgiving things towards not me, but my mom about not buying that house from your friend, I have to say you dropped the bomb. I have always always expected that my friends, close friends at that, will give nothing but utmost respect for my parents and that day on February when I got your letter, I felt devastated. Well, partly for the misunderstanding, partly for what had to happen but mostly because I felt you stood up for someone else, not ME and lastly, because I had to hear (or read) such vague accusations from you without anything grounded.


But I said, "Hey, she's a really really good friend. And Maybe she said that at the peak of her emotions. And what are 9 years of friendship for?" So even if I was silently hurting because of what you directed towards my mom and for myself because I am choosing to stand up for you instead of standing up for my mom, who has stood up for me in every sense of the word, I told myself, maybe it's worth it. So I tried, with all my God-given patience, to put it all behind me and move forward because I find you are more than a friend to me. And in saying that, I don't want you to get crossed off my list.


And then, one day with all my rare enthusiasm and eagerness, I asked you "kamusta? " And you finally said, "Pagod na akong sumagot sa tanong na kamusta." Well, the bomb that you dropped earlier? It exploded in front of my face with all our fond college memories flying all over the place. I began to ask myself a lot of questions, which up until today are unanswered. I am crushed! After 9 years of friendship, I think we've learned a thing or two about being there for each other. But then I heard it from you. And as I mentioned way, way above, there is nothing more painful than to feel more and more alone because the people you want to be by your side, are all away from you. They are nowhere near to be found. Y'know, staying here in this country where I am for 3 years, my heart is still breaking everyday because I refuse to get used to being alone and I resent the fact that I have to be. For how long? I don't have an answer. So what I'm saying is, you are most of what I got. And yet, I heard that from you. It's hard and painful and harsh to hear such words from a friend of nearly a decade. What I'm really saying is: I am hurt with what you said to me and I wanted you to know that.


I would like to believe that as much as you have been a good friend to me, I have been so as well. However, that's not for me to decide, really. I can only say that I am a friend the best way I know how. And among the very few, I suppose (and expect you, somehow too) you know that.



I am writing this for all the years of fun and pains; of previously wondering and now, knowing; of secrets left behind the anonymity of a blinking cursor,and of our dreams and promises waiting to be fulfilled and carefully kept (respectively). I feel I owe myself this release of emotions and I feel I should let you know the truth.

Wherever you are in your life right now, I hope this reaches you well.

I am groomed by these

That sounded like a sponsorship introduction like how celebrities thank their sponsors for the products they endorse. But no, that's not what I meant.

Different as people are, I know that every way of life should be respected. I have actually encountered some parenting strategies that seem to be honing children wrongly and much as I'd like to butt in, I'm not in the position to do so, so I keep mum. But yeah, I have proven that parenting is a skill and unfortunately, not all parents have that skill. So, I just wanna share what my parents and elders have thought me, nagging-ly reminded me, almost tirelessly mentioned every time...all through these years.

Hindi kailangan lahat maranasan mo, para malaman mo ang mali sa tama. Kaya kami (parents) nandito para sabihin yun sa'yo. Kaya importanteng nakikinig ka samin. At kaya rin we can all learn from other people's mistake. That's what my mom said and it's beautiful! Up until today,, I adhere to her words because not only are these true but they haunt me! Kiddin', ma. :) She also said that learning from others saves you a great deal of hurt, embarrassment and/or failure. And that is absolutely true! Some might argue that knowing is not the same as feeling or some might say that it's better to experience something first-hand. But I say in reply, "Dude, why make it hard on yourself when there's someone who so selflessly looks out for you and says that smoking is bad for your health, will give you bad skin and will suck your money down the drain."

Lesson learned: Obedience. Not easy to do as it takes lots of submissiveness, trust and honor. A big applaud to anyone who has been obedient to their folks.

Finish your studies. That is from my parents who both swear by the value of education. My mom is in HR so she's into hiring people and she's seen 1st hand how cruel the world is to those who haven't finished their studies or those who did finish but whose grades are mockingly embarrassing to show to anyone. Both my parents believed in the power of good education. And in this age when a bachelor's degree is just enough to get you a meager job, I now fully understand how vital education is not just to keep you up and ahead but to give you a lifetime of self-worth.

Lesson learned: Finish school with good grades.

I-enjoy mo yung pagka-dalaga mo. Mag-travel ka, bilhin mo yung gusto mo habang bata ka - as said by Ninang Joy. And I know she did enjoy it during her days. She traveled to a lot of local places, had lots of stuff, ate out with friends every Friday night and boy, was I jealous looking at her with me big eyes and 6-year old curiosity. Now that I am earning and on my own, I know what she meant.

Lesson learned: LIVE!!!

Pay yourself. Ninang Glen always said, you've worked for it, you deserve to be paid. Put a little amount for yourself. Save for it. And give something back to God. Apart from that, she taught me so much more by her ways about generosity, selflessness and going for your dreams. She is truly an example.

Lesson learned: Reward yourself

By example, papa showed me the importance and great, great rewards of following ones parents and honoring thy father and thy mother.

Lesson learned: 4th commandment

***

Parent: He was off with his friends. I let him go off with that thing. I knew better. I knew better....I should have stopped him.
Dr. Bailey: Kids spin out of control sometimes. They spin out of control. You can't stop them.
Parent: Yes, you can. You can control them. That's your job as a parent to control them.

- Grey's anatomy season 3 episode 2

***

Moral of the Story

Yes, every story has a moral lesson in the end. And I just learned mine today.

Justice is human, forgiveness is divine.

and boy oh boy, it spoke to me and pierced me straight into my heart.

I hope this is the end of that ugly fairytale.

How to

I was doing some research on...guess what? How to Deal with a Difficult Mother In Law. I could so relate! It was a very helpful reading material that I actually felt I wrote it. hahaha And I found out that yes, it comes up as one of the options/suggestions when I typed the words "how to cope with a diffi..." on the search bar. Gosh! How many poor daughters-in-law are there, who get beaten up by these relationship-wreckers also known as mothers-in-law? I am part of that statistics.

Here are the excerpts (aka my favorite parts) plus my reactions/comments:
- Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals.
- Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. It's not always true - more often, the mother-in-law just doesn't want to face the fact that now she must stand behind another woman in her son's life. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse. - Sometimes, i just can't begin to decipher why the heck she can't understand it? And sometimes, I become really tired. :(
- Don't make judgmental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
- Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
- Make your spouse understand that it is s/he who must take the lead with his/her family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge. -
- Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice. Judgmental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. - Oh boy, that is so her.
- Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. - that's good! cause i don't have the sugar-coating skill, anyway..hahaha
- You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
- If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. - Oo na, I'll do it na. This article is really talking to me.
- You are entitled to a peaceful life. You do not owe this woman your life - but she does deserve respect. However, she's just a person, the same as you, and if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. No. Respect and admiration are earned. If she doesn't deserve it, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
- You and your partner need to present a united front. - totally totally agree! can't say it enough!
- The more you can remind your spouse that s/he married you, not his/her mother, the more your spouse will address the issue, as s/he properly should, and respect you and the marriage. - i need to actually do this. bahala na if he sees me as a nagger, at least I get my message across.
- Be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey - if it's possible to do this way. - i like that line. :)
- Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk, do whatever you need to in order to not be alone with her. - I have experienced this first hand. They are lurking in corners waiting to attack when there's no one around to protect you except yourself.
and the follow up: It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child, undermining your relationship with that child.

I'm here all lost and confused and blind, tripping over issues of the past that are scattered all over, all around me and then I stumble on this article. This article is gold for me!God really provides. :) This is hope peeking.

Parenting No-No

I don't think I am very old. Or that I've got a huge generation gap with the "teenagers" of today. But it feels like I do (have a huge age difference)! I can't begin to decipher how the 14, 15, 16 years olds are talking trash not only to themselves and to their friends but to their elders! Call me conservative or traditional but I think Respect isn't just a fad. I was going through someone's blog today and I am honestly appalled at the odd mixture of *fucks and *bitches inserted at every comma, every sentence, every pause that you can make out of one sentence. I didn't even know that it is as widely used now as the word "the". But boy oh boy, reading statements like those I came across with is completely different from hearing it 1st hand. I am in awe and in total shock when I heard a story of how a 14 year old snapped back at her brother. Ang sarap silihan ng bibig. It was gross and utter disrespect and for me, it is something that warrants not only humility but sincere apology.

And in this blind item, I begin to blame 2 sides. First, the person doing it. The one who is responsible for what slips out of her mouth. The one who is not dumb but apparently very gullible with her crooked reasoning obviously influenced by her friends. The one who is trying to fit in by adapting the same lingo and acting silly. The one who always asked for something (i.e. a new pair of shoes, top-up cash, eat out, even picking her up from godknowswhere!), but in the end still forgot how much of herself she owes to everyone around her more importantly, to her brother whom she called "dumbass". The one who is a stranger now. The one who lost her own values in a span of 3 years. Where there really values in the 1st place?

And now, I blame the parents. To them who did not fulfill the responsibility that God asked them to. To them who became lazy of disciplining. To them who condoned it. To them who turned a blind eye to everything that's happening around them and within their family. To them who are inconsistent with their rules. To them who allowed their children to walk out the door without even bothering to ask where are they going. To them who kept quiet and remained deaf. To them with the rules they always bent and never followed. To them who, in the very 1st place, didn't instill well enough what's right from what's wrong. There lies the problem.

I grew up in a family where we know how to behave in another person's house. Or how to accommodate guests who come to our own home. We are brought up to know that just a sharp stare from our parents mean we have to clean up our act. We grew up saying 'po' and 'opo' to any adult, we are not making faces and we are not cursing. Answering back means you are not only grounded, you are practically dead. On the inside, we are an emotional family. We are spiritual and contemplative. We share with each other how our days went. We try to talk it out when things are going out of hand. We may not be seen as 'tough' like what other people seem to be but at least we know that Respect is a value, that parents are next to God, that the authority given to parents and other elders need to be acknowledged and followed. And that we need to hold on to these values. For that, I am really proud and thankful.

If Life is a Game, These are the Rules

It is a high school book that we passed on among ourselves in our barkada. And somehow, it helped us survived the confusing stage of hormones and identity crisis. Personally, it brought some answers and inspiration because in the awkward years that was puberty, I could only turn to friends and yes, our self-help books. And today as I was giving advices to one of my dear friends in a long-term on-again and off-again relationship, rule #4 popped in my head. I suddenly felt all high school again. I realized that the rules I attempted to imbibe in me 10 years ago (oh my god, I just realized that high school was already 10 years ago?!?! It doesn't seem that distant to me..), is still something very applicable to my life now. Perhaps, helpful even. So yes, these are the rules:

1. You will receive a body
2. You will be presented with lessons
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
4. A lesson is repeated until learned
5. Learning does not end
6. "There" is no better than "here"
7. Others are only mirrors of you
8. What you make of your life is up to you
9. All your answers lie inside of you
10. You will forget all of this at birth

Thanks to Joy for lending me this book 12 years ago and to all my other high school friends who joined me in my quest of finding the value of myself and of life through all the meaningless mazes I had to go through.

Doing February in such a rush

I realized I don't have a decent entry this month because I hardly found time to sit down and blog after all the stress (both positive and negative) that's been going on around me. So here's my February in a whim.

My heart's day was full of reds and sweets just like how it should be. 6 Valentine's days ago, we broke up. Yes, on that day when you're supposed to celebrate the gift of love, we decided to end it. So February 14 will always be that day when I suddenly became aware that "Love" really needs to be celebrated. So even during those Valentine's days when I didn't have a special someone to celebrate it with, my family would go out to dinner and be each others' dates. :) For the last 4 Valentine's days, however, he has been trying to undo the ugly memory of that 2nd Valentine's day we spent together (or apart?). But with red roses and white tulips, chocolates, a card and a cake, Valentine's on February 2004 is a faint memory now. After all, love is found in one of the hardest things to do: forgiving someone.

that greeted me when i entered our flat

On our 90th month (yes, we are that long together!), we went to TopGear Live show and had some serious thought about getting a European car in the next 5 years or so.hehehe The parade of high-end vehicles and luxury cars made both of us (including me who is not really a car aficionado) drool and wish we had like $100,000 or more in our bank accounts and go home with a new M3. It was a fun experience being a part of the whole event seeing sportscars everywhere as if its the only vehicle there is on earth. :)


I finalized my plans for this April. I am going home. :) And I can't wait! I purchased my ticket and secured my A/L dates so I am all set to go. Only, there are huge events to take place when I get home that needs lots of planning, coordinating and yes, spending...That last bit, I can't run away from. hehehe Going back, there's my Ate's wedding. She will tie the knot with her boyfriend of 10 years, I think. Good for them! And since hers is the 1st wedding in the family amongst cousins, everybody from overseas will come home to attend. (I am still pondering and slightly regretting that I am going to this wedding instead of coming home next week, just in time for my cousins' (from my father's side, who I haven't seen in 13 years) balikbayan vacation. What a shame!)
There's also the service for my Uncle who succumbed to Brain Ca last September. Since the whole family is around on April, my Ninang decided to do the service over there as for apparent reasons, not everyone can go to North Carolina on September for the babang-luksa. And lastly, there's my mom's advance 50th birthday celebration, which I think will be bigger than the wedding in the end. *naughty grin* I just said that because there's more preparations going on for the 50th birthday than for the wedding. *another naught grin* So, I am really looking forward to this trip. And as I mentioned in a previous entry, this entry means a lot to me in terms of soul-searching (My 2009 was a bit intense and draining boyfriend's-family-wise).

There's also the house-hunting which is currently ongoing. We went to view a unit yesterday which was so cosy, it's actually small. The couple who was renting it out seems fine and there's this feeling that they are genuinely good people. But we said we'd let them know at the end of the week. We are viewing 2 more units tomorrow and I found a couple more new listings online so that will probably be in for next week. It is just a bit of a challenge to find the right place for us, within our budget and the one that accommodates all our needs. Sigh. The anticipation and (good) stress of moving houses. :) Plus, a couple of weeks back, we went window shopping for couches, lounges, beds and dining sets. It was so exciting!!! We were browsing the display rooms and choosing which lounge set we want using this colour with that material. I felt like a housewife. :) hahaha It was actually a good feeling. Honestly. :)

This last week has been particularly stressful for me because I was dealing with mending friendships and letting go of really damaged ones. And yesterday, I found out I was blocked off. Reading "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog."
It hurt because it was an obvious slap on my face that I was rejected. I considered it as another baggage but instead of dragging myself down, I opted to just move along pulling it right behind me. Things indeed happen for a reason. And because Kuya Jess just loves me, He gave another reason to be stronger. Tanggap lang ng tanggap. That's my mantra.

Past the hugs, kisses, love letters (we still do this but not as often anymore) and all the goody-goody, ultra positive side of love, February gave me a whole new perspective about all the other aspects of love that I often overlook: learning, accepting, giving, receiving, letting go, sharing and yes, FORGIVING. It is never, ever easy to love. Sharing what was instilled in me during my DWTL days: Love and love until it hurts. Love until it hurts no more.

What I learned from my Mother

I've always looked up to her. She is extraordinary. Not only is she the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but she is someone full of wisdom that only her experiences can attest to. Most of the valuable lessons I've held on to in this life came from my mom and I want to go through each one and share it. This is not in any order.

1. You don't have to experience something to learn from it. - I always had this notion that in order for you to learn something you have to go through it yourself. But my mom proved it wrong. She said that God allows and gives people different experiences so that you can learn from other people: you can learn from their mistakes and from their successes. You don't have to fall into the same pit as someone for you to say that you've learned your lesson. Learn through others.

2. Honor your father and your mother. - This is my favorite commandment because this was deeply instilled in me (and my brothers). My mom stressed that this commandment doesn't have any conditions. God didn't say "Honor your father and your mother IF..." He just said, "Honor your father and your mother." No ifs or buts. And after God said, not to praise any other God besides Him, He immediately put parents on the next category, which to me appears pretty important.

3. Let men do the chasing. - Yeah, my mom said, "Ang pinaghihirapan, hindi basta-basta pinapakawalan." My mom still swears by this rather than the modern woman approach, which will lead to a badly bruised ego (if turned down) and lingering thoughts of regrets. This is all about holding your ground and it is actually very sensible.

4. Look for someone who treats his parents well. He will do the same to you. - More than looks, see if a guy is polite to his parents, if he is gentle to his siblings, even to their family pet. That says something about how he treats others.

5. Ubos-ubos biyaya 'pag wala nakatunganga - This applies to everything: food, clothes, money. In short, save for the rainy days.

6. You are defined by your values. - How you were brought up, what values were instilled in you, how you act and react in situations---it all says something about your upbringing. Your values and morals are what separate you from others; it's what makes you stand out. She always, always said to respect others. Respect your elders. Respect others' time. Respect their beliefs and opinions. Respect yourself so that others will respect you.

7. Trust is never given. It is earned. - I have let my mom down so many times. And each time, it was so hard getting her to trust me again. So I've learned by experience that trust, if broken, will never be the same again.

8. Education will take you places. - That's why she said, "Finish it!" We aren't rich but she made sure we were sent to prestigious schools and she always pushed us to finish College. She believed in what a good education can do to oneself, ones career and ones future. "Yan lang ang maipapamana namin na hindi makukuha sa inyo ng kahit sino."

9. Be kind to others. You have no idea what their journey is. - Pretty self explanatory.

10. Groom yourself well. How you look is your market value. - The hard truth. People will judge you by how you look so she always made sure we are dressed appropriately and neatly. She didn't want any of us leaving the house with mismatched socks or anything with a tiny hole or missing button or crumpled clothes. She made sure we wore our Sunday's best to Church and we have a splash of cologne on.

11. Don't wash your dirty linens in public. - Keep the mystery. Don't tell the world everything about yourself, your family, your problems, your faults and the list goes on. You owe yourself some privacy and a lot of respect.

12. You don't have to be religious. Be spiritual. - "Believe in God and know that He is the one who created you and that you will return to Him one day. Know that He provided you with everything and thank Him in return. He has a plan for you and He will never forsake you. Talk to him, like how you would do to a friend. He will listen to you and grant your prayers. Miracles always happen. "