The half a year that's gone but shared in photos

I opted to make a change in lifestly so I did join and finished a marathon

The clear skies at the finish line

Had cocktails in a Mexican restaurant after a hearty Thai dinner (photo below)

Because we craved for chinese food

And I find that cups of tea are more comforting than cocktails

Breakfast buffet to celebrate one of my favourite person's birthday and our common love for breakfast food!

Sushi loading after at Kura

Trip to Wellington where it actually snowed :)

Me turning 26

Someone asked me to marry him and of course I said Yes!

Fancy dress ups with girl friends

Videoke: The Filipino way

Making amends

Keping old ones

So, this is my life?

Walking home today carrying a 3kg parcel in humid Auckland after a 3.5 hour study day (paid as 8 hours), is sweet torture. I have been waiting for this parcel since Wednesday last week and it's obviously delayed (dunno who to blame). I am really, really looking forward to getting it today so I claimed it from Building 21 and off I trotted home. A huge smile is plastered across my face.

Somehow, I've come to think: So, this is it? 

I eagerly tore the plastic open. Seeing the presents inside, I immediately looked for one single thing: A Christmas card. That's it. After all the anticipation, that's all I ever want to get: a heart warming message scribbled on a card that is signed with 'Love, Mama' at the bottom. And then all the rest were just a haze to me as I read her letter and started crying.

So, this is what my life will be like? 

Agonizingly anticipating to receive something, opening packages alone, comforting myself as I cry some more on the thought of how cold and incomplete Christmas is. I lined up all the contents of the 3 kilogram parcel on the sofa and I stare in awe and gratitude at how my family continuous to remind me that despite the distance and financial constraints, they do remember me, not only on seasons like this but whole year round.

So, I realize that living overseas means exactly this. That letters matter more than clothes or bags, that photos sent enclosed in cards are a delightful surprise and that the one wish I could make but wouldn't be granted is just being home on Christmas.

Hopeful, Still.

The weekend was mostly about house chores just like any other week. And just like any other week, I was looking forward to the weekend because I know that I can wake up a little bit later than usual and that I can get out of the apartment and go somewhere even if that somewhere is just the Asian supermarket and the grocery. Still weekends give me a sense of relief that no other day in the week could do. But this weekend, I missed getting my eyebrows done. Instead, I met up with a college classmate who just arrived here a month ago. She needed transpo to shift all her stuff to a new place so I offered to help. And before I knew it, the threading place is already close so I'm off to another week of untidy eyebrows. I am working only 4 days this week because last week, I dragged myself to work for 6 days. And yes, I made it!!!

On Saturday, we went to Frasers in Mt. Eden to keep talking about our lives and dreams. I was so overwhelmed with all the things that are happening around me and all the plans waiting to be fulfilled. It felt so heavy in my chest that I needed to let it out somehow. My family's plans, our plans, his plans which in turn are affecting my plans---i felt like I am drowning. And then I went into some sort of realization-state about myself. So really, I spent the weekend doing lots of thinking.

At Church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry because I felt nobody else listened to me. I felt that people around me were hearing what I am saying but they weren't listening to what I really wanna say. So I just cried because crying means so many things for me. I felt silly crying at a public place but sometimes when you couldn't contain it any longer, you just give in. And that's what happened to me.

Today, I went home to neatly-cut, huge chunks of pumpkin waiting to be cooked. My back is still a little sore from all the lifting and hoisting at work. But I gotta do what I gotta do. So after an early dinner, I cooked tomorrow's dish so that Gelo can just heat it up before he goes to work. I am actually a little bit sleepy now but I'm still waiting for the squash to soften and the sauce to thicken before I steal a few hours of Zzzzz's under the covers.

The 1st Day

There's always something optimistic and hopeful about the beginning. And it is good to take advantage of that feeling of positively overwhelming joy. :) It gives you a sense of eagerness to start everything right and the feeling that you are able to do so.

It is the 1st day of 2010 today. At 12am, I was in awe as I watch the fireworks in Sky Tower waving goodbye to 2009 and welcoming the 1st few minutes of 2010 with an atmosphere of celebration and euphoria. 2009 flashed before my eyes with all its highlights and low points. yet, it was still 2009, one of the years I have received more blessings and for that I am grateful.

It is customary for me to write a long letter to God every beginning of the year. A letter, thanking Him in anticipation of all the things I will be receiving or getting or learning or experiencing in the coming year. That way it is a letter of gratitude more than a letter of supplication.

2009 was more of an impulsive and reactive year in terms of decision-making and shopping. 2010 will be year of big plans for me and of saving. Lots of saving. I think I am done with the frequent impulse buys. And I guess there's more fulfillment seeing your bank account loading up the $$$ from your hardwork.

There was so much bitterness and hate in my heart in 2009 that I wanna get rid of it all. So 2010, I hope, will be a year of understanding and letting go (the latter sadly is my weakness). It will be difficult and probably tiresome but in the long run, I know it will benefit me hugely. And it's habit forming. So might as well form the habit now than later on.

I want 2010 to be more positive and bright.
Clean-Slate.

Two Sides of a Story

looking at this blog, for a while i thought i had already abandoned it. typing the 1st few words of this entry made me feel silly because i don't know where to begin. it has been so-so number of days, i think a month, even. and it seems odd to start writing an entry in the middle of the night (now) and in the middle of the month (now, too). sigh.

quarter life crisis --- I've heard of it several times that the term actually sounds cool to use. at first, i didn't believe that someone at the prime of his/her life, at the pink of health and with all the zest of youthfulness overflowing, is capable of going through the quarter life crisis. And then it donned on me.

***

At this age, it's really hard to believe and accept that my parents have stopped loving each other. I mean, I am 24 for Chrissake! I have gone through the raging hormones of puberty, my own version of juvenile delinquency and finally taming myself down as the prodigal daughter but i have never, ever imagined that my family love story will end at this age. It is so intensely painful to see that the 1st love stroy i have ever witnessed and later on, have grown to love is slowly breaking down in front of me. And I am helpless. Suddenly, I am naive about all these things. We are not a perfect or ideal family. We have our share of heartaches, screaming matches and all interesting bits of family issues but I just realized that knowing that it's not gonna work and actually hearing your parents wanting their marriage dissolution-ed is totally different and it has elicited a myriad of emotions and confusion from me. For a while, my brain stopped working and it was trying to prioritize what i should feel first because when you get news like this and your opinion isn't asked, you aren't left with anything else but to take a deep breath, gulp down the intensity of the decision that is meant to change your life drastically and flash your life before your eyes and think that as the 1st born, where did everything go wrong? I believe at this point, it's a question that will never be answered. It is so hard to be part of something whole and then suddenly not become a part of the "wholeness" anymore. It is the standing on neutral ground that is overwhelming because half of me is her and half of me is him and I wouldn't want anyone of them to feel hurt or betrayed if I sided with someone. It is the forced responsibility on me to look after my 2 brothers and make sure they not only understand but more so that they'll believe that they have done nothing wrong and we are all victims in this crazy episode of our life. It is difficult to decipher the "even if we aren't together anymore, we still love you" statement. From the moment I heard that, I knew everything won't be the same anymore.

In Psychology of family dynamics, they say that the 1st born is for the father. The 2nd born is always for the mother. And the third is for the family. I think both of them overlooked my youngest brother who is unbelievably thriving in this confusing and misleading situation to keep the family whole.

It's not easy to write about those things but I had to, or i'll go crazy.


***

Yes, I am out of the country. Yes, I am with my boyfriend of 7 years who is enthusiastically dreaming about our future together with our two kids. Yes, I am earning more than most of the people i know. Yes, I have the financial freedom to buy anything I crave for or anything I want to have. Yes, I am employed in the biggest hospital in this country. Yes, I have my own car at 23 years old, I have my own apartment in the heart of the city in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Yes, I am living the single and independent life. But underneath all of these things, I really want to know: am I genuinely happy? In my 2-year life living apart from my family and friends, I realized one greatest thing that I have heard all my life but never really understood it's meaning: Money can't buy happiness, specially the ones you only experience with your family and true friends.
And what's the setback for me of all these? I am taking sleeping tablets as I am too anxious and unable to sleep at night. I am dealing with my boyfriend's mom and her oh-so extraordinary ways of ruining my life. I have no true, tried and tested friend here which makes it doubly hard for me to deal with all my struggles and heartaches. I am apart from my family and that makes my stay here not so worth it and it definitely makes all the difference.

I used to love Christmas. The Yuletide Season is my favorite season because it's when the world stops fighting and you are safe and happy with your family with an abundance of food on yor table and presents under the tree. It's when you get to see relatives you haven't run into for ages. It's when you get text messages and phone calls from friends greeting you a meaningful Christmas and a truly abundant and peaceful New Year. It's a great time of the year! But when you are alone in a foreign land where the people can't even feign excitment for the season and you are miles away from everyone who means the world to you, it certainly makes the Christmas not so merry. Not to mention all the missed birthdays, reunions, mother's days, father's days, and all the other momentous occassions best celebrated when you are with your family.

***

This is my quarter life crisis.

But yeah, I am surviving. I was born and raised to overcome all that come my way. I am a tough shell. I say these things over and over again to get me up on my feet. I know that I will be given the chance to meet up with my friends over coffee while laughing our hearts out about the past that strengthened our ties. Plus I know that one day, I will be together with my family again. And that kicks me in the butt to get me going. Faith, i say...it takes you a long, long way.