Don't Quit

Because sometimes, I need a mantra to keep me going. A string of words that I can hold on to and that'll give me a lift---a bit of hope. Something that will keep me running and believing even when it's really really hard not to.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

Parenting No-No

I don't think I am very old. Or that I've got a huge generation gap with the "teenagers" of today. But it feels like I do (have a huge age difference)! I can't begin to decipher how the 14, 15, 16 years olds are talking trash not only to themselves and to their friends but to their elders! Call me conservative or traditional but I think Respect isn't just a fad. I was going through someone's blog today and I am honestly appalled at the odd mixture of *fucks and *bitches inserted at every comma, every sentence, every pause that you can make out of one sentence. I didn't even know that it is as widely used now as the word "the". But boy oh boy, reading statements like those I came across with is completely different from hearing it 1st hand. I am in awe and in total shock when I heard a story of how a 14 year old snapped back at her brother. Ang sarap silihan ng bibig. It was gross and utter disrespect and for me, it is something that warrants not only humility but sincere apology.

And in this blind item, I begin to blame 2 sides. First, the person doing it. The one who is responsible for what slips out of her mouth. The one who is not dumb but apparently very gullible with her crooked reasoning obviously influenced by her friends. The one who is trying to fit in by adapting the same lingo and acting silly. The one who always asked for something (i.e. a new pair of shoes, top-up cash, eat out, even picking her up from godknowswhere!), but in the end still forgot how much of herself she owes to everyone around her more importantly, to her brother whom she called "dumbass". The one who is a stranger now. The one who lost her own values in a span of 3 years. Where there really values in the 1st place?

And now, I blame the parents. To them who did not fulfill the responsibility that God asked them to. To them who became lazy of disciplining. To them who condoned it. To them who turned a blind eye to everything that's happening around them and within their family. To them who are inconsistent with their rules. To them who allowed their children to walk out the door without even bothering to ask where are they going. To them who kept quiet and remained deaf. To them with the rules they always bent and never followed. To them who, in the very 1st place, didn't instill well enough what's right from what's wrong. There lies the problem.

I grew up in a family where we know how to behave in another person's house. Or how to accommodate guests who come to our own home. We are brought up to know that just a sharp stare from our parents mean we have to clean up our act. We grew up saying 'po' and 'opo' to any adult, we are not making faces and we are not cursing. Answering back means you are not only grounded, you are practically dead. On the inside, we are an emotional family. We are spiritual and contemplative. We share with each other how our days went. We try to talk it out when things are going out of hand. We may not be seen as 'tough' like what other people seem to be but at least we know that Respect is a value, that parents are next to God, that the authority given to parents and other elders need to be acknowledged and followed. And that we need to hold on to these values. For that, I am really proud and thankful.

If Life is a Game, These are the Rules

It is a high school book that we passed on among ourselves in our barkada. And somehow, it helped us survived the confusing stage of hormones and identity crisis. Personally, it brought some answers and inspiration because in the awkward years that was puberty, I could only turn to friends and yes, our self-help books. And today as I was giving advices to one of my dear friends in a long-term on-again and off-again relationship, rule #4 popped in my head. I suddenly felt all high school again. I realized that the rules I attempted to imbibe in me 10 years ago (oh my god, I just realized that high school was already 10 years ago?!?! It doesn't seem that distant to me..), is still something very applicable to my life now. Perhaps, helpful even. So yes, these are the rules:

1. You will receive a body
2. You will be presented with lessons
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
4. A lesson is repeated until learned
5. Learning does not end
6. "There" is no better than "here"
7. Others are only mirrors of you
8. What you make of your life is up to you
9. All your answers lie inside of you
10. You will forget all of this at birth

Thanks to Joy for lending me this book 12 years ago and to all my other high school friends who joined me in my quest of finding the value of myself and of life through all the meaningless mazes I had to go through.

Discovered

5 years back when I was going through a rough time in my life, I had a journal that I decided to compile, edit and lay-out (and print) for the sake of memories. So I did everything I mentioned except for the one in the bracket. I spent crazy hours editing, proofreading and editing again only to find out I lost it when my computer broke down. It was terrible! I felt devastated.

Today while I was going through my old emails, I found attachments, bits and pieces of my old journal slash book-to-be and I am soooooo thrilled! I saved a copy on my computer and will go through it later. :)

Here is one random article I found:

What i know about pain
- lucy torres-gomez

i know it has to be treated with respect. Feel it and get to know it,
because only then will you be able to let it go. Know you are entiled to
your one last cry and make sure that happens on your own terms; let no one
tell you, you are grieving too much or too little. Be true to yourself and
while you feel but while at it, wait expectantly for healing to come
because, trust me, it will come.

Okay, this is final

One of my good friends started a blog so she can keep track of her eating habits and exercises and reach her goal weight. And I know I need to do this, too. I just need to quit making excuses, stop cheating on diets and stick with a regular exercise routine (got one. thanks, yen!) and start eating healthy. I am tired of feeling dissatisfied with my body and my weight mostly because I gained a lot when I 1st came here 2 years ago. Right now, I don't feel as good as how I felt a couple of years back. So every single pound that I gained, I need to get rid of it all slowly. And I need to start working on it NOW!

So occassionally, I will be posting here entries about how my day has been in terms of exercising and eating good food. I really hope this can keep me on the righ track. :) And I know yen will be following me, too. :)

Be Better II

I will appreciate instead of whine.

I will not take life too, well, seriously.

I will marvel at the beauty of nature. And I will continue to believe that every storm will pass and there'll be a rainbow right after.

I will not be bitter.

I will do my house chores and stop complaining. I should realize that it's a good training for me and one day, I will be a great homemaker. :)

I will try and try until I reach the top.

I will accept defeat.

Be Better

What: We all want a clean-slate new year for a new "us". So this is to a better me (hopefully). :)

Where from: I saw this idea from one of my good friends in high school and I immediately told myself that I need to adapt it! :)

How: I will not post everything in one go. Instead, I will try to post a few 'resolutions' every so often under the same title.

I will not loose faith.

I will look down and be humble.

I will commit myself to him. :)

I will value the gift of time.

I will engage myself in more physical activities.

I will cherish memories with good friends.

What I learned from my Mother

I've always looked up to her. She is extraordinary. Not only is she the most beautiful woman I've ever seen but she is someone full of wisdom that only her experiences can attest to. Most of the valuable lessons I've held on to in this life came from my mom and I want to go through each one and share it. This is not in any order.

1. You don't have to experience something to learn from it. - I always had this notion that in order for you to learn something you have to go through it yourself. But my mom proved it wrong. She said that God allows and gives people different experiences so that you can learn from other people: you can learn from their mistakes and from their successes. You don't have to fall into the same pit as someone for you to say that you've learned your lesson. Learn through others.

2. Honor your father and your mother. - This is my favorite commandment because this was deeply instilled in me (and my brothers). My mom stressed that this commandment doesn't have any conditions. God didn't say "Honor your father and your mother IF..." He just said, "Honor your father and your mother." No ifs or buts. And after God said, not to praise any other God besides Him, He immediately put parents on the next category, which to me appears pretty important.

3. Let men do the chasing. - Yeah, my mom said, "Ang pinaghihirapan, hindi basta-basta pinapakawalan." My mom still swears by this rather than the modern woman approach, which will lead to a badly bruised ego (if turned down) and lingering thoughts of regrets. This is all about holding your ground and it is actually very sensible.

4. Look for someone who treats his parents well. He will do the same to you. - More than looks, see if a guy is polite to his parents, if he is gentle to his siblings, even to their family pet. That says something about how he treats others.

5. Ubos-ubos biyaya 'pag wala nakatunganga - This applies to everything: food, clothes, money. In short, save for the rainy days.

6. You are defined by your values. - How you were brought up, what values were instilled in you, how you act and react in situations---it all says something about your upbringing. Your values and morals are what separate you from others; it's what makes you stand out. She always, always said to respect others. Respect your elders. Respect others' time. Respect their beliefs and opinions. Respect yourself so that others will respect you.

7. Trust is never given. It is earned. - I have let my mom down so many times. And each time, it was so hard getting her to trust me again. So I've learned by experience that trust, if broken, will never be the same again.

8. Education will take you places. - That's why she said, "Finish it!" We aren't rich but she made sure we were sent to prestigious schools and she always pushed us to finish College. She believed in what a good education can do to oneself, ones career and ones future. "Yan lang ang maipapamana namin na hindi makukuha sa inyo ng kahit sino."

9. Be kind to others. You have no idea what their journey is. - Pretty self explanatory.

10. Groom yourself well. How you look is your market value. - The hard truth. People will judge you by how you look so she always made sure we are dressed appropriately and neatly. She didn't want any of us leaving the house with mismatched socks or anything with a tiny hole or missing button or crumpled clothes. She made sure we wore our Sunday's best to Church and we have a splash of cologne on.

11. Don't wash your dirty linens in public. - Keep the mystery. Don't tell the world everything about yourself, your family, your problems, your faults and the list goes on. You owe yourself some privacy and a lot of respect.

12. You don't have to be religious. Be spiritual. - "Believe in God and know that He is the one who created you and that you will return to Him one day. Know that He provided you with everything and thank Him in return. He has a plan for you and He will never forsake you. Talk to him, like how you would do to a friend. He will listen to you and grant your prayers. Miracles always happen. "

Two Sides of a Story

looking at this blog, for a while i thought i had already abandoned it. typing the 1st few words of this entry made me feel silly because i don't know where to begin. it has been so-so number of days, i think a month, even. and it seems odd to start writing an entry in the middle of the night (now) and in the middle of the month (now, too). sigh.

quarter life crisis --- I've heard of it several times that the term actually sounds cool to use. at first, i didn't believe that someone at the prime of his/her life, at the pink of health and with all the zest of youthfulness overflowing, is capable of going through the quarter life crisis. And then it donned on me.

***

At this age, it's really hard to believe and accept that my parents have stopped loving each other. I mean, I am 24 for Chrissake! I have gone through the raging hormones of puberty, my own version of juvenile delinquency and finally taming myself down as the prodigal daughter but i have never, ever imagined that my family love story will end at this age. It is so intensely painful to see that the 1st love stroy i have ever witnessed and later on, have grown to love is slowly breaking down in front of me. And I am helpless. Suddenly, I am naive about all these things. We are not a perfect or ideal family. We have our share of heartaches, screaming matches and all interesting bits of family issues but I just realized that knowing that it's not gonna work and actually hearing your parents wanting their marriage dissolution-ed is totally different and it has elicited a myriad of emotions and confusion from me. For a while, my brain stopped working and it was trying to prioritize what i should feel first because when you get news like this and your opinion isn't asked, you aren't left with anything else but to take a deep breath, gulp down the intensity of the decision that is meant to change your life drastically and flash your life before your eyes and think that as the 1st born, where did everything go wrong? I believe at this point, it's a question that will never be answered. It is so hard to be part of something whole and then suddenly not become a part of the "wholeness" anymore. It is the standing on neutral ground that is overwhelming because half of me is her and half of me is him and I wouldn't want anyone of them to feel hurt or betrayed if I sided with someone. It is the forced responsibility on me to look after my 2 brothers and make sure they not only understand but more so that they'll believe that they have done nothing wrong and we are all victims in this crazy episode of our life. It is difficult to decipher the "even if we aren't together anymore, we still love you" statement. From the moment I heard that, I knew everything won't be the same anymore.

In Psychology of family dynamics, they say that the 1st born is for the father. The 2nd born is always for the mother. And the third is for the family. I think both of them overlooked my youngest brother who is unbelievably thriving in this confusing and misleading situation to keep the family whole.

It's not easy to write about those things but I had to, or i'll go crazy.


***

Yes, I am out of the country. Yes, I am with my boyfriend of 7 years who is enthusiastically dreaming about our future together with our two kids. Yes, I am earning more than most of the people i know. Yes, I have the financial freedom to buy anything I crave for or anything I want to have. Yes, I am employed in the biggest hospital in this country. Yes, I have my own car at 23 years old, I have my own apartment in the heart of the city in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Yes, I am living the single and independent life. But underneath all of these things, I really want to know: am I genuinely happy? In my 2-year life living apart from my family and friends, I realized one greatest thing that I have heard all my life but never really understood it's meaning: Money can't buy happiness, specially the ones you only experience with your family and true friends.
And what's the setback for me of all these? I am taking sleeping tablets as I am too anxious and unable to sleep at night. I am dealing with my boyfriend's mom and her oh-so extraordinary ways of ruining my life. I have no true, tried and tested friend here which makes it doubly hard for me to deal with all my struggles and heartaches. I am apart from my family and that makes my stay here not so worth it and it definitely makes all the difference.

I used to love Christmas. The Yuletide Season is my favorite season because it's when the world stops fighting and you are safe and happy with your family with an abundance of food on yor table and presents under the tree. It's when you get to see relatives you haven't run into for ages. It's when you get text messages and phone calls from friends greeting you a meaningful Christmas and a truly abundant and peaceful New Year. It's a great time of the year! But when you are alone in a foreign land where the people can't even feign excitment for the season and you are miles away from everyone who means the world to you, it certainly makes the Christmas not so merry. Not to mention all the missed birthdays, reunions, mother's days, father's days, and all the other momentous occassions best celebrated when you are with your family.

***

This is my quarter life crisis.

But yeah, I am surviving. I was born and raised to overcome all that come my way. I am a tough shell. I say these things over and over again to get me up on my feet. I know that I will be given the chance to meet up with my friends over coffee while laughing our hearts out about the past that strengthened our ties. Plus I know that one day, I will be together with my family again. And that kicks me in the butt to get me going. Faith, i say...it takes you a long, long way.

overhaul myself

i have a feeling that i need to start my year right. try to move on from the failures, struggles, embarassment, loneliness and all the misery of last year. and move forward to another year of hope, goodness, blessings and love...make that lotsa love! :)

1. Do everything in moderation. and that goes with everything particularly with spending and eating. i have sorta indulged myself with food and so much shopping the past year that i wanna cut it down. and start some serious saving. My bank account is tired seating on too many zeros. hahaha and i forgot about the eating part. yeah, i don't usually talk about my eating habits or my weight this openly but i wana start living healthily. i don't really have a target weight. Just eat more healthy foods, cut out the sweets (cakes, ice creams, cookies, pastries) and carbs (buh-bye pizza, rice, breads) and get that 5 fruit and vegetable servings a day. i know it will do me good. and the effect is always cumulative.

2. Be kinder to those who are nice and bitchier if the need arises. okay, that was too harsh and stern. but it does mean that i need to be more assertive because i am really a very passive, go-with-the-flow type of person for i dunno how long. And it hurts to be this type of person: to not have the gutts to take a stand and speak up to get what is righfully yours. that's why i know i have to work on this. and i know that change is hard and not always easy to embrace but as they say, no pain no gain.


3. Learn to let go. when i was i high school, i memorized a prayer which goes:

Let Go and Let God
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched it back again and cried, "how can you be so slow?!?"
"My child," He said "what can I do, you never did let go."

I am a lover of the past. I think i got it from my mom. I dwell on the past and nurse both the highs and lows of what happened to me. That's just me. And at times, it is no good clinging to the past a lot. It makes me bitter and pathetic. It is good to look back once in a while and learn from my mistakes but to practically live in it, it is not healthy. And the damage it is doing to my relationships is wrecking. I don't want broken relationships all my life. I don't wanna be left alone either. So I say, i really need to move on.

4. Dig in some patience and understanding that I could share with everyone else. And hold that judgement. yeah, i am pretty judgemental and usually work on preconceived notions about persons and that limits my circle. so yeah, i need to keep an eye on this too.


5. Mend my relationships. applicable to all: the love-hate realtionship i share with my dad, the tarnished relationship i have with my boyfriend's mom, the recovering and so far, still intact relationship I have with my boyfriend, that of which will fall apart if i continue to act as childish and self centered as how i usually am. And of course, the taken-for-granted relationship I have with my Life Director up above, which is the worst I can do and the only one I will regret breaking if it does break down. That last one, I really need to focus on.


so that's it. my birthday resolutions that i could hopefully keep up with. :)