My September Issue

In fashion, September is January. Vogue magazine released their heaviest and thickest issue in 2007. But in the real world, things incredibly huge and significant happen in September.


In September 2000, 5 incidents mostly in Asia, one in Greece and in Saudi Arabia, occurred claiming lives of hundreds because of flood waters, epidemic (virus), boat sinking and a couple of bomb explosions.
9/11 of course happened on September 11, 2001
Hurricane Katrina happened September 2005
Tropical Storm Milenyo occurred on September 2006
And just this September, an earthquake and a tsunami hit the Samoa Island, an earthquake claimed lives in Indonesia and the Philippines was hit by the strongest typhoon in 40+ years.

What's with September? I used to like September because it is the first of the 'ber' months, which means that Christmas is just around the corner. But as all these unbelievably horrible things are unfolding, I begin to, not only dislike but dread September. And this year, my family had their share of the September nightmare. In fact, just like an aftershock, everything is still carrying on until now that it is October.

My family was one of the unfortunate victims of typhoon Ondoy. I was talking to my brother on Saturday morning when he said he'd talk to me later because it was starting to pour and ankle-deep water was starting to pool in our house. Even if we live in a relatively low area, we never had water going into our house and so talking to my brother about it made me both curious and worried. I had no idea what will happen next. I rang after 45 minutes and when my brother picked up, he was in a bit of a panic ordering my youngest brother to take what he could to the 2nd floor of the house. That was the last I hear and then the phone line got cut.

The following day, I rang them again and our phone line was "not in service" so I tried ringing my brother and my dad's phone number which are both shut off. So i started to worry. I rang my tita's place and there they were. I was so pleased and relieved to hear their voices and to know that they are safe. And so they told me what happened. They had to lift and shift as much furnitures as they could from the ground floor to the 2nd floor of our house. But they weren't able to save our dining table, our fridge and a more than a couple of big, bulky cabinets. So after they shifted as much of the stuff, they had to leave our house and walk in waist-deep floodwater going to my Tita's place which is quite close to our house and which is a safe place for them to be in as well because they weren't affected by the flood at all. Lucky. So yeah, they had to spend days there without enough food, but fortunately with enough water. It wasn't that grave though compared to the other victims but still, they had their share.

Following this sudden tragedy, I learned just a couple of days back that my dad was rushed to the hospital because of nephrolithiasis and he was in excruciating spasms and pain. He may need surgery. I felt terrible. I wish I was there beside him and nurse him instead of nursing people here whom I'm not related to. I sent as much money as I could because that's the only way I can compensate for my absence. It is very frustrating for me.

And just now as I am typing this entry, I am down with the flu, got no voice, having temperature spikes and miles away from my family.

September is just unbelievable. What else could September bring? Honestly, I don't wanna know because I am not ready to accept any thing worse than these things. I am still recuperating and i am sure my family had enough of it as well.

For me, September is a month of pessimism. I think September is cursed. It gives a whole new light and personal meaning to the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends." Still, Thank you God that September is over. Please give us a better tomorrow than today.

And today is October. Which makes me feel better already.

One month crossed off our calendar

I just can't believe how much you love me. It seems surreal. Y'know, the feeling that someone loves you more than you love him. It makes me feel conscious in a way...and secured in a really positive note. It makes me realize that no matter how ugly I am or how loud I snor, you will be there to watch me sleep and kiss me goodmorning the next day. It is unbelievable how you text me you'll miss me knowing we will only be 8 hours apart. Just can't belive that there is still someone so optimistic, so bitten by the love bug, so cheesy and yet, so proud of it. It also makes me scared and quite skeptical to a point. Is this gonna last? Will your feelings still be the same 10 years from now? What if someone better comes along? Is this for good? Forever? Yes, the doubts start crawling in. But I look back and remember all those years of good times, of sneaking, of sweet messages and phone calls, of reassurance, of movie dates perfectly aware of my curfew, of holding hands, of laughing at jokes, of introducing eachother to family and friends, of out of town trips, of quiet moments, of comforting words and hugs and kisses. And it certainly sealed everything perfectly.

Eighty-five.
85 months.
That's a really long time to be together.

A joke a day, sends all my blues away

Dear Lea,

You made me smile today...laugh, in fact.

I was so tired today when i came home from work. It was crazy this morning so I had a nap, ate early dinner and watched a movie on DVD and then I decided to go online. I didn't really plan on catching up with anyone today because I am still feeling battered from work. Poor body mechanics or whatever. This is one of the "too-lazy-i-don't-wanna-go-to-work-anymore day". And really, i just wanna fake it and stay in bed the whole day tomorrow. the routine just makes me sick. The silence is deafening, feeling all alone and miserable. Sigh. But I typed your URL on my search engine and boom, I laughed like mad! You made my day. Just like the old college days when you never fail to make me laugh in the middle of all the cramming and sleeplessness. Despite the distance, you push me to do good, you take my side, you tell me upfront if you think i'm wrong. Thanks for the company.

I wanna laugh beside you again, laugh so loud that my tummy begins to hurt and tears well up in my eyes.

This makes me miss you more.

i wish i could say this to you

we are molded by our experiences both pleasant and not. And this defines, creates and/or contributes to one's character.
i have loyalty and trust issues.
why?

because my boyfriend of 7 years have broken up with me once, have cheated on me once and didn't want to commit at one point.
because i was violated and it was traumatic and incredibly humiliating
because some of my then-close friends betrayed my trust by leaving me hanging in the middle of a very serious but unfortunate circumstance.
because when i first came here unsettled, i was rejected and made to feel very unwelcome.
because my parents' marriage is falling apart and nothing makes you feel more broken than seeing a commitment of a lifetime breakdown just like that.
because my boyfriend's mom thinks that i no longer deserve to wear white on my wedding day.
because i trusted some wrong people.
because some people think that it's okay to mess with me.
because i am someone who clings to the past, who is easily scared, very sensitive and never forgets.
because i learn from my past, and never want to fall down with the same reason ever again.
because i have earned my right to be tough and i have realized that there's no one out there to defend and protect myself but me.
because reality bites and you have to bite back.

***
i feel suffocated, enclosed in my own space because my world gets smaller and smaller as people get crossed off my list.
i feel bitter that it nauseates me.
i feel myself getting smaller as i sink in the mud that is just pulling me down.
i feel fragile, lethargic and helpless but still refusing any help.
i feel shallow and empty that it echoes inside me.
i feel lonely. the hurt, the pain and the tears stemming from within.
i feel misunderstood.
i feel ugly inside. terrible.
i feel unforgiving, unjust and vengeful.
i feel stuck with my feet chained to a steel ball, unable to move forward.

***

i need to believe again.
i need something concrete.
i need to experience that i can trust someone again with my whole heart and soul.
i want someone or something to prove that some people are worth my trust and that not everyone will betray me.
i want to be assured and reassured over and over again.
i want to suppress everything and forget about betrayal and rejection.
i want someone's contagious optimism.
i want to be brave again, not afraid to give my trust and friendship.
i want to move forward and to look back only if it is necessary.
i want to stop nursing the pain and the hurt.
i want to smile again.
i want a promise to be made and never to be broken again.
i want to be free from that steel ball, to feel secured in someone's arms and to let out a good laugh.
i want to move forward.
with you.
show me that it's okay to trust you again. let me feel safe in your embrace. keep my secrets. be on my side even in the toughest of battles. stay with me when everything else is uncertain. let me know that all the others will walk away but that i have a handful of genuine friends who will always stay behind. hold on to me. make me feel whole again. try to fill that gap. teach me that in order to be truly free, the past should be forgotten and left to let go. stay with me even during my ugliest. laugh with me. don't betray me. just try and on't give up on me. remind me to be brave. don't break your promise. show me the love that will endure all weathers. give me your word. love me and just continue to love me. always.

i'll be waiting for that sweet day. and then maybe, i can say i love you too with all honesty and in a way i have never said before.

until then.

My wishlist

Because I am a goal-oriented person, I decided to make my own wishlist that'll hopefully push myself to save instead of spend. :) This is not arranged in any order.


1. A classic wristwatch. - and I am eyeing a pricey one too. For me, it just defines and puts a statement on the whole wardrobe. I actually like something like that on the photo.
2. Chanel 2.55 - every woman's must have purse. I really hope this deosn't remain stuck in my wishlist...it is soooooooo expensive! But it's a really classic and vintage purse. And when my daughter turns 18, i'm gonna give it to her. :)

3. A slide phone - My current mobile phone is actually playing up already so I might change it soon. I've already have a classic phone, a flip phone and so I want a slide one. haha And as long as it can call, text, receive calls and text, take photos and save photos, then i'm all good. :)

4. Macbook pro - i'd really love to have it! I've been going to shops to check for prices and been telling myself to save so that I can buy it soon.

5. Honda CRV - This is actually my dream car...So yes, i have to have this too...hahaha I've been in love with this car since i dunno when. Because it is so cool to see a lady driving a 4x4. And yes, I wanna be that lady. :)

6. LV Speedy - Classic in style, form and brand. And I'm sure it'll last for ages! I don't care if everyone already has a speedy. I told myself if im given a single chance to get a designer bag, i'll opt for this one. My mom got an LV which she is giving to me but i think after all her years of hardwork and housework, she sure deserves her own. :)

7. Tiffany & co. heart charm bracelet - one of those must-haves too! :) When teamed with a white shirt and jeans, it definitely finishes it all off! :)

I love daydreaming! :)

Athos, Porthos, Aramis

I have been here for a couple of years now and it hasn't been easy. And during times when my hormones are surging, it becomes more difficult because I am more contemplative and extra emotional. Just like now, which is why I think that this entry shouldn't be written in the 1st place because I might regret it later on. Just like being sober after a terrible night of being drunk or the feeling that "i shouldn't have" the morning after...

I am always in a trio.

In the early years of high school, I was with 2 other newcomers: Vanessa and Janus. We got along really well, staying late after school, trying to decipher how it is to fit into an exclusive all-girls school after years of being in a co-ed classroom. Vanes is the bubbly one who is very extrovert and who everybody else loves. It was easy for her to form new friends. While Janus on the other hand is the more introvert type, very smart but who takes time to come out of her shell. Later, we drifted into different sections, thus different barkadas but we still got that bond that holds us close because afterall, in a strange environment of everyone wearing a skirt, we managed to survive and settle.

During the next 2 years in high school, I was with 6 other friends who shared the same love for eraserheads, gigs, late night phone calls and passing messages. We weren't the sleezy bitches that everyone hated for cutting classes, stealing boyfriends and spending 95% of the time putting makeup on. We were good, i think. We belonged to decent clubs and electives, became part of the school newspaper, student council and debate club. None of us failed or was sanctioned for whatever reason. But over the years, only 3 of us managed to stay present for eachother. It's me, Donna and Joy. We are different on so many levels yet we get along really well. Joy is always brutally honest. If one of us needed to face the truth, Joy is the one who will tell it to us. Donna is more sympathetic. She will listen and give unsolicited advices but in the end will tell you it's still your call. They are 2 persons I badly miss. Joy just moved to Texas with her family while Donna is busy with her healing workshops back home.

College was different. I was at a loss. It was the real world: strange and scary. But i found Lea and Paula. We got along so well laughing at each other's jokes, learning from everything that seemed alien to us, crawled our way out of nursing alive. The difficulty of nursing was compensated for by nights of staying at Lea's unit sharing secrets and love stories. And everything seemed realtively easier. Lea is the hilarious one who knows when to get into serious business. She copies notes for all 3 of us and makes sure neither of us miss class. And she is the possesive one too, which I think is reasonable because I am the same as well. Paula is the happy go lucky type who doesn't seem to care, who will push me to do anything as long as it will make me happy. She will cover up for me if needed and will not let me feel guilty about the stupid things i did or said. Both of them are very supportive, very loyal, very sincere and that's what I love most in them.

And then for a long time, I didn't have friends as close as those I mentioned above. and then when I came here, I formed another friendship with Carrie and Yen. When I first started my job, there weren't very much young nurses on our ward which made me and Carrie really close. We did our workbooks together, took our exams and practicals almost at the same time and eventually we started going to Mcdonalds for supper after work. When Yen started we didn't know if she was nice but when we started working together, we found out that we jived a lot! And so we started hanging out, requesting for the same breaks, telling each other about our own struggles, our difficulty coping, our complaints about co-workers and patient workload. And then we started liking the same persons and disliking the mean ones. And then we started having our girly dates wherein we would binge out and eat and indulge and windowshop and talk endlessly.

This next one, makes me feel ambivalent. 2 of my friends from college are here as well and we've been seeing each other more often recently. It is actually quite securing to know that I am with people whom I already know..that it's just a matter of developing the friendship deeper. We have planned to go shopping in Australia and buy LVs. And then suddenly it hit me straight and hard. These are the plans and promises I made with Paula and Lea. And i felt really terrible inside. It was like betraying myself because I knew in my heart that i wanted to do these things with these 2 tried and tested friends of mine. But I also reminded myself that it is not feasible at the moment and the more i felt like crying.

I miss my trios a lot. I miss being secured between 2 close friends of mine without a care in the world. I miss the secrets, the jokes, the advices, the late nights, the loyalty, the certainty, the genuine friendship. And now, I really feel like letting out a good cry.

overhaul myself

i have a feeling that i need to start my year right. try to move on from the failures, struggles, embarassment, loneliness and all the misery of last year. and move forward to another year of hope, goodness, blessings and love...make that lotsa love! :)

1. Do everything in moderation. and that goes with everything particularly with spending and eating. i have sorta indulged myself with food and so much shopping the past year that i wanna cut it down. and start some serious saving. My bank account is tired seating on too many zeros. hahaha and i forgot about the eating part. yeah, i don't usually talk about my eating habits or my weight this openly but i wana start living healthily. i don't really have a target weight. Just eat more healthy foods, cut out the sweets (cakes, ice creams, cookies, pastries) and carbs (buh-bye pizza, rice, breads) and get that 5 fruit and vegetable servings a day. i know it will do me good. and the effect is always cumulative.

2. Be kinder to those who are nice and bitchier if the need arises. okay, that was too harsh and stern. but it does mean that i need to be more assertive because i am really a very passive, go-with-the-flow type of person for i dunno how long. And it hurts to be this type of person: to not have the gutts to take a stand and speak up to get what is righfully yours. that's why i know i have to work on this. and i know that change is hard and not always easy to embrace but as they say, no pain no gain.


3. Learn to let go. when i was i high school, i memorized a prayer which goes:

Let Go and Let God
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched it back again and cried, "how can you be so slow?!?"
"My child," He said "what can I do, you never did let go."

I am a lover of the past. I think i got it from my mom. I dwell on the past and nurse both the highs and lows of what happened to me. That's just me. And at times, it is no good clinging to the past a lot. It makes me bitter and pathetic. It is good to look back once in a while and learn from my mistakes but to practically live in it, it is not healthy. And the damage it is doing to my relationships is wrecking. I don't want broken relationships all my life. I don't wanna be left alone either. So I say, i really need to move on.

4. Dig in some patience and understanding that I could share with everyone else. And hold that judgement. yeah, i am pretty judgemental and usually work on preconceived notions about persons and that limits my circle. so yeah, i need to keep an eye on this too.


5. Mend my relationships. applicable to all: the love-hate realtionship i share with my dad, the tarnished relationship i have with my boyfriend's mom, the recovering and so far, still intact relationship I have with my boyfriend, that of which will fall apart if i continue to act as childish and self centered as how i usually am. And of course, the taken-for-granted relationship I have with my Life Director up above, which is the worst I can do and the only one I will regret breaking if it does break down. That last one, I really need to focus on.


so that's it. my birthday resolutions that i could hopefully keep up with. :)